I Hate Fruit

You know what I hate?  Fruit.

I hate eating oranges.  That god damned juice runs all the fuck over your hands, leaving them sticky.  You can't do a damn thing while you're eating it because of all the juice they're covered in.  There is no way to peel and eat an orange without getting juice all over yourself.

I hate the foul juice of the orange.  School groups are crying out for the removal of soda vending machines from America's schools in order to fight our youngsters' obesity problem, opting instead for healthy beverages... like orange juice.  Two to four medium-sized oranges will yield about one cup of juice.  Let's suspend our disbelief for a moment and pretend someone is going to vend one cup -- eight ounces, just 2/3rds the size of a normal can of soda -- of any beverage out of a machine.  Even then, kids would be consuming the equivalent of four oranges in one go.  What a great, natural alternative!  According to the USDA's nutrition database, 8 ounces of orange juice contains 20 grams of sugar, compared to 22 in an equal amount of cola.  Gee!  Junior's given up cola in favor of orange juice; I can't figure out why he's still so damn fat!  A more useless juice I have not seen.  The only consolation I take is in knowing that almost an entire goddam tree of oranges must be plucked and pressed in order to make just one glass of juice.  Drink that glass a day, friend, and watch as one orchard after another falls before you!

And they're so damn pungent, oranges.  Once you're done with one, if you toss the peel into the trash can you'll smell it all day until you take the trash out.  An orange peel in the trash can will smell up the entire joint.  This is why I think oranges should be banned from all workplaces.  When that co-worker throws an orange peel into the wastepaper basket anywhere near your desk... well, hope you like the smell of orange.

But you know what's even worse in the trash than an orange?  Bananas.  And they're popular.  They're fucking popular.  Every morning I ride the train to work, and each seat (they're in little booths, facing each other) has a small trash can next to it, bolted onto the wall.  More days than not, the smell of banana is coming from that trash can.  Why?  Why do so many people eat so many bananas?  What the fuck is wrong with them?  I mean sure, bananas taste good and are a pleasing consistency, but doesn't anyone care that a discarded banana peel will make the whole place smell like banana the whole goddam day?  No fruit is worth that.  No fruit tastes that good.

Even worse is when there's an orange or banana peel in a trashcan along with something fishy or rotten.  The rotting food smell mingling with the other smell which I know and recognize as a food-smell immediately makes me gag, bringing me nigh unto vomitting.  It's what I imagine it must be like finding out you're attracted to animals.