By: Annna
[2006-03-14]
A Useful Rejoinder
helpful hints #73
Depending on how frequently you make the mistake of talking to people, many of you loyal thingsihate readers have probably had someone tell you they’d pray for you. This is historically one of the most annoying conversation-enders; there’s really nothing you can say at this point to take the "final word" award, although you can certainly remind your debate partner of their asshole status.
But! I have, through long pondering and cross-country driving, finally hit upon the perfect, non-religious response to "I’ll pray for you:"
And I’ll think about you the next time I masturbate.
Every bit as creepy, and arguably just as well-intentioned. The key is accompanying it with a benign, cow-eyed smile.
Let me know how things work out!
I'll prey upon you, and have your liver with some fava beans and a nice Chianti! Yes, someone saying that they'll pray for you is like they are saying that you are morally defective or something. I should say, "Hey, go fart in a colander!"
Saying "I'll pray for you" is exactly the same as saying "you can't draw cartoons of the prophet Mohammed." Both are attempts to foist one's belief system on others. Just because the intent of the "I'll pray for you" statement is good doesn't make it any less offensive to those of us who live outside the belief system in question.
My grandma used to say "Keep you bad habits to yourself." I find religion in general and prayer in particular to be bad habits. I don't jerk off in public and I don't expect people to discuss prayer in my presence. So that's why my response when someone says they'll pray for me is:
"Oooo, you're gonna pray for me? That makes me so HOT! I'll give you something you can pray to ... hehn? How 'bout that, tube steak for Jesus! Lose the dentures ... that's it ... oh yeah baby ..."
Getting offended because someone is praying for you is like getting offended because the hobo is trying to pop your head with his spooky mind rays. Honestly, if you acknowledge prayer as an attempt to force their beliefs on you, you're pretty much conceding that prayer has some sort of inherent power. The best option is to aid them in the spiritual path they chose to walk by helpfully pointing out hypocrisy and self-righteousness. They strive to become more Christ-like, we strive to become more rational.
They are striving to become more Christ-like!?!? Well, one guy I saw was cheating. He had a huge wooden cross that he had over his shoulder and was dragging it down the edge of the road. He went for miles! But it had little wheels on it! No fair! I would have liked it if it was like at the carnival where you throw baseballs, hit the target and the guy falls in the water; but they could have a guy on a cross and if you hit the target he falls off into a tank full of cherry jello. Praying? How about mud-wrestling? Would you mud-wrestle for me?
I need a response I can use with family members that won't get me arrested.
...well, say "Yes! Pray for me! And sacrifice a goat and maybe a couple of virgins!"
I just reciprocate with, "Mmmmkay, and I'll keep my fingers crossed for you".
So, I was reading that Bush is trying to discourage theocracy in the Middle East. That, while encouraging theocracy here. Go figure!
SaraLee, I say unto you!
Lead us not unto vermiculite
But deliver us from weevils!
There! Feel better now?
You hit it right on the mark. I prefer using language they're used to when I reply "I'll pray for you; I'll pray that God has mercy on your idiotic soul." Or I say "Thank God I'm not imprisoned in religious intolerance like you". Otherwise, fuck you to hell works just as well with relatives.
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Or I say "Thank God I'm not imprisoned in religious intolerance like you".
/quote
Sounds pretty religiously intolerant to me...
Not that I really disagree with you, I think it's kind of intrusive to have someone say that to you when you are of a different religion or agnostic/atheist. However, "there is no god" is a belief too, and it's just as annoying to hear people spouting that. Religion can be good, but it's often best to keep it to yourself. If you don't believe in god, and that keeps you rational and objective, let your virtues say who you are, not your mouth. The same goes for the other end of the spectrum. If god says to help others, to forgive, whatever, fine. That's good. Do it, but don't tell me about it.
As a rule I don't oblige people to listen to me talk about things they don't want to hear, so if I sense that they don't want to hear about political parties, or Tolkien vs. Lovecraftian novels, or historical revisionism, or the price of bread, or religion, I don't talk to them about it.
The topic of religion is part of the landscape of human activities. At least, I think it would be odd to hear someone say, "Cooking and painting and writing and kickball are fine for him, but why does he have to talk about them? Can't he just keep that to himself?" When two people cease to have anything important in common, they usually just stop talking to each other; even in violent disagreements I try to avoid being inhuman.
Knowing someone might be offended by a well-intentioned remark and saying it anyway is not morally equivalent to deliberately shocking them. The former (if they're not actually guilty of being supercilious) possibly derives from a sense of urgency, a lack of imagination, or even cow-eyed benignity. The latter can be an indication that someone's overly-delicate comfort-zone has been ruffled. "It's a dangerous business, Frodo, going out your door." If the regular landscape of life is too traumatizing and Farmer Maggot begins to resemble a Nazgul, does that mean one should stay in the hobbit hole, or get out of it more often?