The Saddest Personal Ad

I am a budding musician, currently a Meg White sound-alike, but I’m improving. I read books like some people eat red meat, and I write when the mood strikes me, like now. I’m trying really hard to be excited about myself, you know, getting all "look at me" over here, but I don’t think I can really convey just how awesome I am in words. I mean, come on, I’m colossal like Kilimanjaro, the PHAT-est mountain on earth. See, just being in my presence ought to make a mortal lady’s knees weak, and you know, get all woozy like. My mojo is just that potent. I could spray my load on a hundred chicks, and they’d all birth twins of impressive size and virility. One of my spawn is guaranteed to choke at least one of the midwives or doctors that slap his or her ass to get him screaming. He’ll be all like, what, I’m awake, and just start choking. When he’s done he’ll flip out his placenta lighter and light up one of the doc’s cigarettes before moving to Denver and become a child star.

Or not.