By: Gary Smee [2006-04-18]

Man vs Train

or I May Be An Insufferable Asshole

This girl I had a big crush on a few years back politely declined to date me, but chose instead to date a man who had been hit by a train. I thought this ludicrous enough to comment upon by telling people I was the reasonable alternative to men who had been hit by trains. I had a poster and everything, and plans for a bumper sticker for my car. It was funny in an uncomfortable way, like the old Ellen DeGeneres show, where the crux of her humor was how uncomfortable she could make a situation her character was in. It forces you to laugh, but you're cringing the whole time.

Couple of months back I go out with some friends and I relate to them the story, which one of them hadn't heard, and we laughed. I mean a train, a real life goddamned train, hit the motherfucker. It's hilarious when you think about it. Anyway, I'm telling the sotry and they're laughing, and our waitress comes up to the table and asks if we'd like our drinks refilled. When she leaves with our glasses, my friend who hadn't heard the story before tells me that the girl in the story must have had issues, but I disagree. About this time the waitress returns to the table with our refills.
I ask her if she'd ever date a man who'd been hit by a train, and she looks at me like I'm stupid, and asks me how fucked up the guys is, and I tell her not very, he's just a guy you wouldn't be surprised to find out had been hit by a train. She says as long as that's the case, then sure, she'd go on a date with him. We thank her, and she drifts away, looking bemused.

When she's out of earshot, one of my friends tells me he thinks the waitress thought I was asking her out. This makes me laugh, because, Jesus, what a pick up line. So we kick a few other pick up lines back and forth before settling on this one, which we thought the best: Would you ever date a man who had been hit by a train? And if she says yes, tell her you've got a train to catch.

Terrible part of this story: since we talked to that particular waitress, she hasn't been our server one time since. So maybe my friend was right and I am an idiot.
Good. [2006-04-18 00:36:43] The_Cheat
Hit the fucker with another train!
Makes me laugh.
Hit by a Car! [2006-04-18 01:59:46] König Prüße, GfbAEV
I know a guy who was hit by a car, and lost 10% of his brain! He says this is why he's not smart. How smart was he to be in the street to get hit by a car!?!? OK, ok. So, he thinks he's John Lennon, so he married a Yoko Ono kind of a crazy woman, except that she's not Japanese, she's Philippine. Sometimes, when he feels very much like John Lennon, he won't go out of the house because the chicks might him. No chicks have ever screamed or wanted his autograph. One time, he got his arm caught in a cement mixer. Don't ask! Maybe the "hit by a train" guy has a certain aura. Maybe you should eat more garlic!
Oh! A train! [2006-04-18 06:55:56] König Prüße, GfbAEV
I just remembered that I had an uncle who had been run over by a train, and it didn't hurt a bit! He'd been sort of a bootlegger in Chicago during Prohibition, and was walking home drunk from the warehouse one night. He was walking down the train tracks, and passed-out cold in the middle of the tracks. A train ran over him, and he came-to and sat up to watch the tail-lights on the train pulling away! God watches out for drunks and idiots. I guess that some people are twice blessed.
Yes, you are. [2006-04-18 10:25:13] Wyatt
By your own description you are NOT "the reasonable alternative to men who had been hit by a train." If you were the reasonable alternative, then the girl would have dated you, not the retarded train boy. You've been making fun of yourself for all the wrong reasons. Your friend was right, you are an idiot. No wonder the waitress was bemused.
description [2006-04-18 13:41:41] posthumous
"a guy you wouldn't be surprised to find out had been hit by a train"

Who does that describe exactly? Someone with a limp? Someone who only exists in two dimensions?
Cowcatcher [2006-04-18 14:08:55] König Prüße, GfbAEV
A man who has been hit by a train has very distinctive cowcatcher marks. Curiously enough, the cowcatcher was invented by Charles Babbage! who originated the idea of a programmable computer.
Geez [2006-04-18 18:34:01] FGS
I didn't say it was my proudest moment. The point being that I have been making fun of myself for the right reasons. I think it's funny that she picked the train guy over me. I am making fun of myself because of that. Welcome to the land of low self-esteem.

The point was that I wasn't trying to weird anyone out, I was asking the waitress a question and she mistook my question for a request. I realize that this little article is poorly written enough that this is difficult to understand without explanation. I am sorry.
On trains [2006-04-18 18:37:05] DeWalt Russ
The true "cowcatcher"--a wedge-shaped prow designed to push bovines to one side or another--hasn't been a feature on railroad locomotives since the early 20th century. If our friend were to be hit by the front end of a locomotive now, he'd get a coupler up his ass (if we're trying to be comical about it. If not, then he'd probably be crushed and/or dismembered).

I will admit, though, that it's funnier to think of the guy as a grainy, sped-up Buster Keaton-style sad sack running from a slow-moving steam engine than as a drunk, aimless twentysomething who was either caught at the edge of a bridge or stumbling alongside the tracks when he got clipped by the edge of a boxcar traveling at 70 mph.
Wheel Link [2006-04-18 22:50:09] König Prüße, GfbAEV
Wasn't there a scene in an old silent movie where either Keaton or Chaplin were riding on the big link between the wheels? They were going up and down, it was funny! Some guys have been hit by meteors, I bet the chicks really dig that. Especially the waitresses!
Ack! [2006-04-19 01:26:27] Wyatt
Don't apologize you spunk stain! You're supposed to come back with either proud silence or, preferably, witty repartee*. Look at Konig's Pube for example - he's so on topic he finds shit between the p an the i and he could care less if he comes across as a doofus. Not that the Pube should be your ideal, per se, but you see what I mean. Get with the program spooge.



*Don't worry Antwan, you're excused.
But of course! [2006-04-19 02:16:05] König Prüße, GfbAEV
It's a funny story to me, and worth exploring the attraction between waitresses and guys who have been hit by trains. It's sort of surreal, and I think that William Burroughs would have relished a set-up like that. Having a bad hair day, Wyatt?
here's p in your i [2006-04-19 06:17:07] pithymood
The waitress was actually looking Burmese. The train guy 's chick was looking Burma-shave, cf. Republican. Wyatt is looking bumptious.
On dumbasses and trains [2006-04-19 06:44:40] DeWalt Russ
OK, so it's possible to be hit by a train and not critically injured. At least in Canada.

BEHOLD!
Man Hit in Head by Train for Second Time [2006-04-19 14:01:35] König Prüße, GfbAEV
It must be fun! This guy's done it a couple of times!Man Hit in Head by Train for Second Time
Weeld Heeland Cooz! [2006-04-19 14:09:51] König Prüße, GfbAEV
I think that the cowcatcher reminded me of it. A Scots girl started talking to me about weeld heeland cooz! What she was saying was wild highland cows.
Whooooo! Whoooooo! [2006-04-19 18:12:32] König Prüße, GfbAEV
Here comes the 4:19! Right on time!
Train [2006-04-19 21:35:54] Toc
I am the train.
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