By: Frank Shacknasty [2006-07-18]

Love

A poem.

I read this poem at a wedding recently. Sometimes Anne Landers posts inspiring poems.

Love is patient and kind;
love is not jealous or boastful;
it is not arrogant or rude.
Love does not insist on its own way;
it is not irritable or resentful;
Love does not read The DaVinci Code;
it does not disturbingly use the last of the toilet paper and leave an empty roll on the dispenser, as though there was by an amazing coincidence just enough toilet paper left on the roll as Love needed;
Love does not pull out in front of me at an intersection and proceed to take five god damned minutes to get up to speed, even though there was nobody behind me for miles;
it does not always spit out its gum because it actually believes that seven-years-to-digest bullshit;
Love does not insist on ordering a pizza with just cheese, as though that were even really pizza anyway;
it does not leave its earrings on the floor for someone to step on and practically require a tetanus shot;
Love does not sleep with its future brother-in-law and then, later, when he buys it that crystal dragon figurine its stupid pig of a financee would never realized it'd love, tell him it was "just a crazy, last-minute thing" that "could have been anyone" and then hand him some belittling shit about "always being good friends";
And love sure as shit does not push the fucking elevator button when it's already lit up

[Ed: He makes some good points.  What else does love not do?]

I must resist! [2006-07-18 01:28:43] König Prüße, GfbAEV
I must resist the temptation to do the macho thing and mock sentimentality. My first urge was to do a take-off sort of like, "You might be a redneck if..." but "You might be in love if..." But this here piece does take the interesting perspective that love is a process, not a passive thing that one is in. Anyway, it did also remind me of the cool pome I read one time wherein I first encountered the word "effluvia."
I like that word so much that if I father another daughter, I'll name her Effluvia. Never mind what it means. But the pome, it might have been by Blake or Yeats or one of them weirdos, was an interesting contrast of the garbage and corruption and death and rot, and that something as beautiful as a rose can grow out of that, and in fact needs all of that to become what it is. See what happens when I'm not drunk!?!? Thus is the virtue of beer! OK, Love doesn't name a daughter Effluvia.
Love could use a shave [2006-07-18 06:30:55] pithymood
Love rolls out of the chair and wiggles on the floor
Crystal dragon figurine [2006-07-18 07:49:15] Hatless Jack
The desire for crystalline sculptures of any form is similar in purpose to the lovely colors of the coral snake: "Danger: not for touching." Analogous rules also apply for unicorns, snow globes, stuffed animals of any kind, the color pink, and pastels in general.

(unless it is a really really wicked awesome crystal dragon figurine)
Emotional Apocalypse Now [2006-07-19 00:00:00] Wyatt
Love don't surf
no, no
love don't jump rope
and love don't play skeeball
and if it did, love certainly wouldn't walk up the ramp
and put all the balls in the 50 hole
and keep all the tickets for itself
to buy one of those frizzy hair dolls that you can
stick a pencil up the ass of
oh no
love don't play football
nor soccer neither
and frankly, love dances for shit
(it's not widely known, but love really only has one foot)
love
don't smash your change jar against the stair rail
after moving furniture all day
into the three-story walkup
you've agreed to share
love is tired of climbing stairs
and is willing to pay for an extra day on the rental truck
and love won't keep on, no matter how you push
no, no
love don't do stairs
but most importantly
love don't surf
Love [2006-07-19 04:48:17] König Prüße, GfbAEV
Love don't need no steenkeen green card!
~love is never having to say ur brains r spilling out~ [2006-07-19 18:32:18] perfktMperfktshn
...love doesnt try to make u wear an axe for a hat and then never apologize becoz u didnt look good in red anyway....
~the game of love~ [2006-07-19 21:27:19] perfktMperfktshn
love doesnt piss all over the toilet seat and the wall..and if it did it would clean up after itself...
love doesnt cuntsider genital warts as pleasure bumps...
love doesnt leave crusty jack rags under the bed ...
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