Internal Monologue

You know, she just acknowledged you by name. You're not going to be able to get away with a nod and a wave this time. Shit, what the hell was her name?! She's been an acquaintance for, what, half a year now? Shit. Shit. Shit. Shit. Shit. You don't know the name of the chick that's been hitting on you for the last couple of months, either. You're not helping here. And you didn't learn Chris' or Ryan's names for three or four months, even though you talked to them almost every day. Jennifer? Melissa? Rebecca? Sarah? Caressa? Diego? George. Think I might go with George. This is becoming a persistent problem. Look, it's not my fault most people's names are utterly useless and uninteresting in the extreme. Is remembering everyone's name that hard? No, caring about remembering peoples names is that hard. And then by the time I care it's too embarrassing to ask. AND GODDAMNIT WHAT THE HELL WAS HER NAME? I think it was either Julie or Nikki. It ended in the '-ey', '-ie', '-y' sound. Thanks. Fifty-fifty shot. Going with Julie...

Ow, Swing and a miss! We were looking for Nikki on that one, apparently. That's a rough break, kid.

Plan for global domination

TOP SECRET

The Red-Wattle Imperative:

Breed a hyper-aggressive strain of cassowary for use as biological shock troops.

Advantages: Built in helmet. Superior in melee combat. Natural understanding of flanking. Mid-project monetary costs can be defrayed by the sale of cassowary meat.

Disadvantages: Normal cassowaries are notoriously difficult to breed, raise, and keep. Combat effectiveness of airdropped ratites in modern warfare has yet to be determined. Estimated time for project completion is half a century or more at a cost of several billion dollars. Maximum efficacy may require simultaneous deployment of conventional military forces.

END TRANSMISSION

We're talking a Tunguska of pure cosmic mischief, here. Just an observation: 'Cosmic' is your new word for 'God'. No, it's my new word for 'Synchronicity'. We just kicked the magical-thinking habit, and you go and invent a new God. The old God sucked so I'm cobbling together the new God entirely out of causal fallacies. So this new God is some sort of transcendent cosmic nightmare joke? I made it in our own image. Oh Jesus Christ, that's a hellish thought. I can't imagine a God fashioned in your image. You're only a hop, skip, and a jump away from mainlineing Dadaism. Dada? Good Christ man, that shit's ugly. And unfun. I want Postmodern with a twist of Surrealism. Shaken, not stirred. So what was my contribution to this new divine providence? It doesn't actually exist. Wonderful. So we're using a philosophical view of the world we know to be false just so we can laugh at the resulting joke? Yep. And that doesn't seem odd to you? Of course not, I have my razor-sharp talons on the pulse of the Cosmic punch line.

Plan for global domination

TOP SECRET

The Hamelin Alternative:

Breed a hyper-aggressive strain of rat for use as a biological area-denial weapon.

Advantages: Superior to cluster munitions in urban areas. The Belyaev work can be adapted as a potential starter colony giving the project a fifty-year head start. Efficacy can be improved with concurrent use of Unit 731 flea research.

Disadvantages: Sterilization of rats before drop will be required to ensure strain does not have long lasting environmental impact. May require development of rodent delivery system. No way to defray cost of project. Inferior to salted nuclear weapons. END TRANSMISSION

If the choice is between overall better quality food, dumping it into a savings account for a rainy day, an mp3 player, a nice jacket, or a nice suit we should probably go with... Neodymium. Huh? We could purchase that 6" x 4" x 2" block of industrial grade nickel-plated magnetic neodymium. I remember seeing that. That's the most terrifying thing I think I've ever seen sold on the internet. Exactly. We must have it. How does that improve the quality of my life, though? It will give your enemies cause to fear you. Since when do I have enemies? Do you want to find out you have enemies when you don't have access to a ridiculously powerful permanent magnet? I guess not. Still, I believe any future hypothetical enemies already have enough reasons to fear me. It's also the most awesome possible thing you could possibly own. This is true. Women love neodymium. Okay, that one is pushing it. Hey, if you want to be responsible you could get the 4" x 2" x 2" block for significantly less. You're right. Hell, that's practically a bargain! Damn right!

Plan for global domination

TOP SECRET

Atlantic Heavy:

Unload large amounts of particulate iron in high-nutrient / low-chlorophyll zones of ocean and seed with toxin-producing algae.

Advantages: Highly unpredictable results. Estimated lethality at nearly 100% within HNLC zones. Efficacy against nation-states directly proportional to seafood consumed. Most effectual way to lay siege to large underwater cities. Most effectual way to cripple economies of large underwater cities. Leaves large underwater cities and resources intact and unharmed for reuse by occupation.

Disadvantages: Reduces efficacy of all humboldt squid-based projects. May solve global warming. Atlantis does not exist. END TRANSMISSION

Don't throw that woman over the railing. What?! That woman, don't throw her over the railing. I mean, you could undoubtedly lift her up and over the guardrail with little to no effort, but we're three stories over the food court and there's no way she could escape that fall without serious injury. Why the holy hell would I do that? Well, you're clearly thinking about it. I guess that's technically true... And I'm telling you not to do that. This world is horrible enough without the constant lurking threat of anonymous random violence perpetrated by madmen and crazies. But I wasn't going to. Good. I wasn't even thinking about it until... Look, I'm just telling you not to attempt to kill that woman. Why are you arguing about it? I'm not arguing about it, really. I'd never do anything like that. Although I guess I could, in that I am physically capable of it. Easily.

It doesn't matter. We're out in the parking lot now, and she's probably moved on. You'd have to go back inside, track her down, drag her back to the railing to throw her over, and that's just crazy.

Plan for global domination

TOP SECRET

The Bonsai Directive:

While wearing a red headband and in a sleep-deprived state, down enough caffeine for slight caffeine toxicosis to set in and then scream "BONSAI!" while driving heedless of the dangers of speed, vehicle mechanics, poorly maintained roadways, and the laws of man and physics in an attempt to return home before the big crash.

Advantages: I'm fairly certain this is just a description of last Saturday night / Sunday morning and not a plan for global domination

Disadvantages: Yep, this has yet to result in global domination. Although we should continue our work in this exciting field of research. BONSAI!!!!

END TRANSMISSION