By: Sean
[2007-02-26]
How to Cook an Omelet
Breakfast in 12 easy steps.
Dice up two strips of bacon on non-wooden cutting board, and place into pan over low heat. Stir around with spatula to cover entire pan. Throw cutting board and knife into sink. Wash raw meat germs off hands.
While bacon cooks, slice up three to four mushrooms with new knife and on second cutting board. Wood is OK.
Check on bacon. Wonder if, for only two stips of bacon, it's really supposed to have gotten this goddam greasy in the pan. Remove bacon from pan, set on saucer. Curse self for trying to save the planet and having no paper towels to place under bacon and absorb grease.
Put mushrooms into pan. Stir around with spatula. Get sudden, terrified chill that there may be lingering uncooked-meat germs on spatula from initial bacon-stir. Choose to ignore.
While mushrooms cook, break three eggs into coffee cup. Retreive milk from fridge, open and try hard not to wretch from spoiled milk smell. Go to bathroom and pour milk down toilet. Add three tablespoons water to eggs. Beat with fork.
Remove cooked mushrooms from pan, use spatula to place on same saucer with bacon. Ignore back-of-mind fears about spatula.
Pour egg-water mixture into pan. Swirl to get it up on inside walls of pan, to form upward-curled crust for easier folding-and-removal later with spatula. Do not think about spatula.
Salt and pepper egg mixture. Stare at egg mixture. Wonder why egg mixture does not seem to be cooking at all. Curse audibly in response to egg mixture on inside walls oozing back to bottom of pan. Wonder why egg mixture still doesn't seem to be cooking. Turn up heat and remind self that a watched pot never boils. Attend to cutting of two slices of swiss cheese from block in fridge.
Check on eggs. Wonder why they still do not seem to be cooking at all. Remember pot and watching and boiling. Go play piano for a few minutes, then check on eggs. Discover that they've completely cooked. Apply sliced cheese, bacon and mushrooms to top.
Attempt to slide spatula under and around outside rim of what can now be called an omelet. Curse audibly at failure. Attempt to fold omelet, creating large tear in perfect roundness of said. Decide to "fuck it" and make scrambled. Use spatula to wreak terror and destruction upon eggs, bacon, mushrooms and cheese, too enraged to worry about spatula.
Scrape mess onto clean plate. Curse audibly in response to shit stuck to bottom of frying pan. Run frying pan under hot water, scrubbing with rough-side of sponge, to remove thin layer of burned egg which will just not fucking come off, removing dime-sized bits of teflon in process.
Eat shitty eggs while looking up symptoms of trichinosis on internet.
...kahns bacon doesnt make a greasy mess...in fact it is so non~greasy u have to wonder if its real bacon a'tall....might i suggest a thawed frozen p&j sammich its much easier...
Such a humble turn from the former Great Man of Bacon Science.
prefer the French omelet method. Everything is cooked within the eggs, plus it cooks quicker when you scrape holes in the mixture while it's cooking, letting the raw egg ooze to the bottom.
1. Clean as you go. There's nothing wrong with washing the cutting board and knife (and spatula) while things are on the stove. Plus this has the duofold advantage of keeping you in the kitchen to keep an eye on the eggs and away from the piano, sparing the neighborhood your laborious attempts at classical music.
2. Never make the eggs in the same pan as the bacon, I don't care what your mom used to do. All bacon grease does is make the eggs turn brown. And because the pan is already too hot from cooking the bacon, you're guaranteed to burn the eggs.
3. No papertowels?!? Yes, this really is the kitchen of the damned.
4. In a clean, cool, dry pan, add 1 tablespoon of butter, turn on heat to medium. When the butter is just completely melted and just starting to sizzle, put in the whipped eggs. Milk makes the eggs too thick anyway, so maybe the only right thing you did was use just a bit of water, which makes them nice & fluffy. Add all your mixins to the eggs while they are still wet.
5. NOW you can roll the pan around, but the point is to make sure the mixins are completely covered with egg. You can also take your (recently washed) spatula and start to lift around the edges of the omelet, letting egg run underneath to cook.
6. Pick up the pan by the handle and shake it back and forth until the omelet detaches from the bottom of the pan. Once the omelet is loose, it's easy to get a (clean) spatula under it to make the fold. IMPORTANT NOTE: make sure that you don't shake so hard the whole mess goes flying.
7. Enjoy your omelet with a nice cup of strong coffee.
8. Seek professional help, (but never on an empty stomach.)
The code I had to enter to make my comment was NUC SF.
Terror plot, or wishful thinking?
...which is it thats good for u this year..the egg yolk or the egg white..i never can remember which cycle its on...
..i like how the captchas make me feel retarded onaccounta i know damn well i enter the right text and it still says it doesnt match...
...but I don't know about this two-pan business. It's only an omelet; is it really worth two pans? That's twice as much washing up. Do I really want an omelet that bad? I think not.
And what's with those special pans just for omelets, that have that hinge in the middle? The fuck's up with those things? Are you supposed to, like, put half the egg in one side, and half in the other?
Like I keep telling my wife - clean as you go. 1 pan, make bacon, while pan is still hot (but after removing bacon) run 2 tblspns water into pan, wait for it to sizzle and boil (s/b about 10 seconds), swirl, rinse, get back to work.
But for a technical guy like you, I can see how that would seem like a lot of trouble.
Enjoy your "omelet". ;)
Step 1: Wake up in a boozy haze and stumble towards kitchen.
Step 2: Open freezer and remove bottle.
Step 3: Hair of the dog.
Step 4: Open refrigerator and remove chorizo, bacon, and four eggs.
Step 5: Look at clock.
Step 6: Realize you were supposed to be at work two hours ago.
Step 7: Say "Fuck it", leave everything just sitting on the counter and go back to bed.
...u go to bed at 2 with a 10 and wake up at 10 with a 2..hopefully she knows how to cook and u have her cook it...better than an omelet is scrambled eggs with salsa and a corn tortilla with coors beer...
fuck eggs. Pancakes are easy and problem-free. Even when made from scratch. From now on, I'm a pancake man.
..the chicken or the egg? the one smokin a cigarette...
But thanks for reminding me of chorizo! Also, there's a local Portugee woman who knows how to make linguisa. So, what local bacon that they got here got wrote-up in the NY Times! It's not slab bacon but gnarly twisted smoked meat. Much closer to what the buccaneers used to make in the Caribe!
My mishmash of several omelette techniques calls for three eggs, a seven-inch or so pan, butter, cheese and tomato. If you hate tomatoes you can do peppers from a jar if you squeeze the vinegar out of them first. Butter the pan, turn it up to a temperature that you know will eventually brown/burn the butter if left to its own devices but is just hot enough to do so because you actually don't want that to happen but that's how hot you need it to be for the eggs, and add the butter (about a quarter-inch slice from the stick, or a little less than the tablespoon marker). Observe the butter in the pan neurotically; smell it repeatedly and almost burn your hair or ear on it. While doing so, roll it around in the pan so that it goes far enough up the sides to keep egg from burning onto the pan.
When it is about to turn brown, dump in the eggs, which you have scrambled gently with a fork. When a very thin ring of firmness appears around the edges of the eggs, use your spatula to poke holes through the center of the liquidy eggs, which have some done egg under them. Lift the egg mass up slightly so that liquid egg goes through these holes and gets to the bottom of the pan. That way, you move done eggs to the top to keep them from drying out, and you get all the eggs cooked eventually. Keep doing this until it's almost done. Put your toppings in the middle and fold. It will split in half along the fold roughly one-third of the time, but it tastes the same. If you have anxiety about using the spatula that touched the undone liquid eggs, use a new spatula to remove the omelette from the pan.
Also works with five eggs, a ten-inch pan, a little more butter, two (or three) spatulas and a helper for when it comes time to fold.
