By: Hatless Jack
[2007-03-02]
A List With No Explanation
[Ed.: Seriously, we asked for one, to no avail.]
- Stabby
Stabby is three types of autistic and five types of quiet. He once, miraculously, got some chick's number at a party and left his entire schedule on her voicemail. For the week. To the minute. Stabby once wore a shirt made of felt to a job interview. To the best of my knowledge, Stabby has yet to stab anyone and he doesn't carry a knife. That is why we had to take his name away from him. But we love Stabby like a kid brother and that is why he is on the list. - Diego Delgado De Gato
Diego drinks Goldschlager to the exclusion of all else with the notable exception of the night where he got shitfaced on mezcal and belligerently claimed Tuco, from "The Good, the Bad and the Ugly", got the shaft because of the filthy fucking gringos and their filthy fucking gringo ways. He then threw the bottle against the wall and told a group of African Americans to go back to Canada. That is not why he is on the list, though. Diego Delgado De Gato is on the list because he has a child, but has not told his girlfriend. They've been together two years. - Geraldo
Geraldo looks like the amalgamated CompSci department of every university. When he's not wearing shiny silkish shirts with dragons on them he is wearing shiny silkish shirts with hovering-ninja-techno-samurai on them. Geraldo once methodically punched through all the windows of a car with an automatic centerpunch because it cut him off four months previously. Geraldo has some slight anger management issues. Geraldo is quiet-terrifying. Geraldo is on the list. - Big Gay Rodger
Big Gay Rodger isn't really gay, he just likes to have sex with other men. Big Gay Rodger traveled in the gay rodeo circuit for a while but he stopped because it was "fucking queer". Someone once called Big Gay Rodger "a faggot" and he came at them with a baseball bat. It took five people to drag him down to the floor, and we're still not certain where he got the baseball bat. That is why Big Gay Rodger is on the list. - Mollycoddle Jim
Oh, you better believe that bastard's on the list. In fact... - Mollycoddle Jim
That's right, Mollycoddle Jim's on the list twice. Mollycoddle Jim has extensively studied various civil rights movements, mass demonstrations, and filthy hippie-styled riots. Mollycoddle Jim once beat the shit out of someone to prove the validity of his interpretation of satyagraha. His interpretation of satyagraha apparently allows him to beat the shit out of someone. That is why Mollycoddle Jim is on the list. - Rodney... the Jew
Rodney is Jewish.
This is about cultural diversity, huh?
Do any of these guys have stinkfoot?
...if'n Hatless Jack doesn't write some of the funniest stuff.
Yeah. Move over Rainbow Coalition, we have a Chicano and a Jew!
...is that I can identify with all of the above! Or maybe I know someone who is an amalgam of all of these.
...these r the kinda kids my kids always drug to the house (i initiated all who dared enter by throwing a dish at their feet...that way they didnt have to think i was crazy..they knew it)....scotty goddammit (he was callled that coz thats what his momma always screamed at him as she chased him with a broom, he liked to punch himself in the head with his fist and run down the stairs and bang his head into the door...one dubbed fairy coz i guess he bowled like a girl, he was like a lil kid when he came in the house..had to touch everything and always broke sumpin, no lie he actually stepped on one of those big janitor type brooms and it came up and smacked him in the face...lets see donnie he was called downy coz he drank sum downy..he also jacked off a fish..one was called flat matt coz his head was flat as a pancake in the back(apparently they didnt turn him when he was a baby)..least he wouldnt roll off the couch..he couldve worn a toaster cover for a hat...anyway the menagerie of abnormal is abundant 'round these here parts which makes life a lil more intersting...also who decides whats normal... the only normal i know is NORML
