IN THE HALLS OF THE MOUNTAIN BEARD

NERDINESS WAS MY BIRTHRIGHT

LESSER NERDS QUAKE BEFORE THE APPROACH OF THE THUNDERBEARD

PHONETIC DYSLEXIA

THE THUNDERBEARD WRITES THE WAY A WORD SOUNDS, GRAMMAR RULE BE DAMMED

THUNDERBEARD CANNOT SEE THE KEYBOARD BENEATH HIS MIGHTY BEFURRED CHIN

(IT MATTERS NOT)

HE IS A SLEIGHER OF DICTION

OR IS THUNDERBEARD SO OLD SCHOOL THAT HE MAKES HIS LIVING CRAFTING HORSEDRAWN WINTER CONVEYANCES

IN FACT HE DOES BOTH

HIS SLAYS ARE PULLED BY CORRECTLY SPELLED WORDS THAT OTHERS HAVE ENSLAVED

HEH

ON DASHER, ON DANCER, ON PRANCER, CONVICTION

ON TOIL, ON DRUDGE, ON DRAY AND LUG

ON STURM, ON DRANG, ON TRESSLE, ON FRICTION

TRULY THIS WAS MEANT TO BE

THERE IS A CAUSTIC RUMBLING FROM THE THUNDERBEARD

TROUBLE IS BREWING

(cue soundtrack of sturdy men's chorus chanting in ominous Latin)

MEN WITH TORCHES ARE SCALING THE STEEP SIDES OF THUNDER MOUNTAIN

IT IS TIME THEY ARE GREETED IN PROPER THUNDERBEARD FASHION

SMIRNOV ICE AND A TEN-HOUR GAME OF RISK

THAT WILL DO NICELY

WHO AMONGST YOU HAS THE SAND TO BATTLE FOR THE SUPREMACY OF THE WORLD? WHO AMONGST YOU CONSIDERS HIMSELF A TRUE MAN, AND WORTHY OPPONENT OF THUNDERBEARD?

WHO?

LEATHER WOMBS JERRY? OR PERHAPS JEW BARREL SMOTHERY? NO?

STRAWBERRY HELM JOE?

CONSIDER THIS ADDED BONUS: THE PICK OF MY SERAGLIO: CHOLERA SLAIN WINOS, OR THE LUCIOUS NASAL CHILI SWOONERS, YOURS IN VICTORY

ANY OF THESE FINE LADIES CAN BE YOUR PRIZE IF ONLY YOU DEFEAT ME

BUT NO, EVEN AS YOUR ARMIES SWARM ACROSS THE PENINSULAS AND GREAT PRAIRIES OF BEARDLANDIA, A SINGLE SOLITARY SENTINEL, THE LONELIEST HARDCORE SOLDIER, ROLLS NEVERENDING SIXES AGAINST YOUR HORDES

OH, RAWEST JOBREL RHYME, GAZE UPON MY SECRET ALASKAN ARMIES AS THEY DESTROY YOU IN DETAIL, REVELING NOT IN CONQUEST BUT YOUR ULTIMATE DESTRUCTION

THUNDERBEARD CLAIMS A MIGHTY @& NEW ARMIES AS THE PEASENTRY SIDES WITH THE INEVITABLE VICTOR

HAHAHA

DAMN MY SHIFT KEY

A MIGHTY 27 NEW ARMIES

AND ALL BEFORE I TURN IN CARDS FOR REINFORCEMENTS

THEN IT JUST GETS SILLY

I’M GOING TO STRATEGIC MOVE THESE MEN INTO YOUR ASS NEXT TURN

AND THEN THUNDERBEARD WILL HAVE SECURED BEARDLANDIA FROM THREATS FOREIGN AND DOMESTIC FOR ALL TIME

ERECTING A GIANT NECKBEARD ALONG ALL BORDERS AND PENINSULAS

CARVING MY GRAVEN IMAGE IN THE LANDSCAPE, SO IT CAN BE READ FROM SPACE

I WILL TURN THE MIDWEST INTO A RELIEF BUST OF MY PRODIGIOUS HEAD AND LUSTROUS BEARD

EACH PIMPULAR POCKMARK NOW A FORTIFIED EMPLACEMENT

THE GREAT NOSTRILS PORTALS TO MY FANTASTIC UNDERGROUND PALACE

BUILT WITH THE TINY HANDS OF ALL THE CHILDREN OF THE WORLD

MOTHERS, MOURN YOUR CHILDREN FOR THEY WILL DINE IN THE DOWNY CREASE OF MY JOWLS ERE THIS NIGHT IS THROUGH

WEARING TINY COWLS WOVEN FROM THE BEARD HAIR OF FALLEN ENEMIES

THEY THINK IT'S FOR WARMTH IN THE SUBTERRANEAN CAVERNS

WHEN IN ACTUALITY IT IS MERELY TRIBUTE TO THE UR-BEARD