Sperm Soccer
Sorry if this is gross. We were teenagers at the time and very bored, so I think that's a good excuse.
We were just hanging out at video store, and I was explaining to Jimmy Carter (names changed to protect people) that when I try to impress people at parties by talking about Neil Young I always get him confused with Ted Nugent and end up looking like a jackass. Jimmy wasn't paying attention to me and that's when he noticed her picture. I'm not sure if it's practiced in larger cities, but in small towns the businesses have this arrangement where you agree to sponsor the local high school sports team and they'll give you a picture of one of the players to post in your business. (Because after all, charity is when you do something for somebody else while other people are watching.) I think the 4H has a sort of similar deal with raising animals, although I could never figure out if the company was sponsoring the 4H'ers or if they were just buying and slaughtering the animals.
So there she was, all smiles and soccer outfit. In our high school, the football team lost. And plus it was made up of a bunch of creepy looking hicks that looked like something out of The Hills Have Eyes. Plus they lost. Couple that with cheerleaders that were mostly dumpy and hyper-Christian. But we had a winning soccer team made up of attractive, popular rich kids, so the usual jock-asshole positions in our school were filled by the soccer team.
We started asking about the girl, and it seemed that the general consensus was that she was a total poo portal. I think it was then that I started joking to Jimmy about taking the photo into the bathroom and ejaculating on it -- sort of a voodoo screw you thing, the sort of thing you don't really do unless you're Jimmy Carter, the only non-Christian straight-edge kid I ever met, and certainly the only straight-edger I ever met who's sold porn to school kids. Seriously, I mean one time he tried to get us all to bribe him to pee his pants. Later, while playing drums for the now defunct Colostomy Kitty, he did piss himself. I still don't know why, but he didn't even stop drumming. He's answered the door wearing nothing but semen-stained shorts, challenged strangers to push up contests, challenged people to jerk off contests, embezzled a great deal of money while working at a grocery store spending over 300 dollars of that money on scratch-off tickets and taken a bath in baby oil. He was one of the members of the Bobby Douglas Experience (more about that some other time) and he once broke into a warehouse, stole a bunch of shampoo, and then dumped it into the town fountain. Personally, to me, he's like a folk hero, but even I didn't think he'd steal the picture.
Cut forward about two months when I'm over at Jimmy's house to see a collage he's made of the members of his band using cut out penises from his porn collection. And then, he pulls out the picture ? semen stains and all, which is pretty disturbing because none of my friends ever showed me their semen on purpose.
Unfortunately we never got the picture put back up up because FDR, one of the owners of the video store and a good friend, got wind of the plot and noticed the picture missing. The kicker is that even though the picture never again graced the wall of the video store, it was still a pretty good prank because it turns out the pictures are returned at the end of the year. So a little warm sponge-on-spooge action and the picture looked as good as new.
So there she was, all smiles and soccer outfit. In our high school, the football team lost. And plus it was made up of a bunch of creepy looking hicks that looked like something out of The Hills Have Eyes. Plus they lost. Couple that with cheerleaders that were mostly dumpy and hyper-Christian. But we had a winning soccer team made up of attractive, popular rich kids, so the usual jock-asshole positions in our school were filled by the soccer team.
We started asking about the girl, and it seemed that the general consensus was that she was a total poo portal. I think it was then that I started joking to Jimmy about taking the photo into the bathroom and ejaculating on it -- sort of a voodoo screw you thing, the sort of thing you don't really do unless you're Jimmy Carter, the only non-Christian straight-edge kid I ever met, and certainly the only straight-edger I ever met who's sold porn to school kids. Seriously, I mean one time he tried to get us all to bribe him to pee his pants. Later, while playing drums for the now defunct Colostomy Kitty, he did piss himself. I still don't know why, but he didn't even stop drumming. He's answered the door wearing nothing but semen-stained shorts, challenged strangers to push up contests, challenged people to jerk off contests, embezzled a great deal of money while working at a grocery store spending over 300 dollars of that money on scratch-off tickets and taken a bath in baby oil. He was one of the members of the Bobby Douglas Experience (more about that some other time) and he once broke into a warehouse, stole a bunch of shampoo, and then dumped it into the town fountain. Personally, to me, he's like a folk hero, but even I didn't think he'd steal the picture.
Cut forward about two months when I'm over at Jimmy's house to see a collage he's made of the members of his band using cut out penises from his porn collection. And then, he pulls out the picture ? semen stains and all, which is pretty disturbing because none of my friends ever showed me their semen on purpose.
Unfortunately we never got the picture put back up up because FDR, one of the owners of the video store and a good friend, got wind of the plot and noticed the picture missing. The kicker is that even though the picture never again graced the wall of the video store, it was still a pretty good prank because it turns out the pictures are returned at the end of the year. So a little warm sponge-on-spooge action and the picture looked as good as new.