On Learning English in Japan

I got into a bit of a discussion the other night with a couple of folks on IRC about teaching English in Japan. It's a good option, particularly if you're about to graduate from college and can't decide what you want to do with yourself. Without a degree, it may be trickier to get the visa. In the early '90s, teaching English in Japan was incredibly lucrative (/hr, easy) but nowadays it pays much less. Still, it's better than flipping burgers for minimum wage. There are a few things you might need to know, though, before setting out. Here are some of the things I noticed about how the Japanese people experience English.

First, you have to realize that Japanese people all already know English, so you can't teach them stupid phrases, or trick them into asking waitresses for blowjobs. The average Japanese starts studying English in middle school, so they've had six years of it by the time they graduate. Of course, generally they can't speak it for crap, as it commonly portrayed in the movies, and is why they train the Asian-American chefs to talk in broken English at Benihana restaurants. Benihana's not really Japanese anyway. I don't know who started the chain, but it was probably some white guy from Minnesota.

English education and exposure starts much earlier than middle school, however. Sure Mickey Mouse and Snoopy are printed on everything a Japanese child sees, but there are all sorts of other influences too, like television. I used to watch Sesame Street with my host-niece. (She was two.) The show is broadcast in both English and Japanese, and you can toggle back and forth with a button on the remote. Elmo is just as annoying in Japanese, and Big Bird's voice is too deep (it's creepy), but the thing that really weirded me out was the Count's laugh. You know how he counts and then says, "Ah, ah, ah"? Well he only says "Ah" twice in the Japanese version. It drove me nuts. After the regular American Sesame Street is over, there's a Sesame Street English lesson, given by some hideous green and orange muppet named Tiki or Mambo or something. It's a wonder the children aren't frightened away.

There are several other American TV shows on Japanese television, mostly for the older audience, usually late at night. They are absolutely obsessed with 90210. "Ally My Love" (Ally McBeal) was broadcast at around 1 a.m., so if I took the last train home, I would just catch the end of it while waiting for the room to stop spinning.

Of course, TV's not the only thing. Popular music gives them English exposure too. They like boy bands, Mariah Carey, Aerosmith, and of course, the Beatles. Every single Beatles song is available at karaoke. One of my regular tutoring stints was a high school boy who just wanted to translate Backstreet Boys lyrics for hours. What a pathetic motivation to learn English.

Another of my tutoring jobs was for a middle-aged golf instructor and his wealthy friend. Of my students, they were the least skilled at English. They wanted to learn so they could chit-chat at society functions. This was a little bit difficult for me, since I don't chit-chat well. We went over how to introduce ourselves, and how to make small talk about occupations and family members. They didn't want bother to with grammar, so I just let them memorize sentences. I doubt they learned anything, but they were nice and they paid me very well. Especially since I showed up drunk once.

Then there's the World Family Club, which is an English school-type organization for small children. A couple of my friends worked there, but couldn't talk me into it. The English speakers never actually meet the kids - they work at a call center. The children call in and they sing songs together over the phone. It seems simple, but usually the children are too young to understand the concept of phone conversation, and are so disturbed by the strange voice that's not Mother's, that they scream. Loudly. Into your ear. Also, you have to memorize over 100 stupid children's songs.

We all taught English to our Japanese friends, of course. The guys all wanted to learn slang with a passion I could never comprehend. We started a language exchange group that we called "The Badass Club". It was great in theory, but pretty much boiled down to the Japanese kids memorizing 20 different words for "drunk". They didn't really get it though. A friend once said to me at a party, "Jana, I am so fuck!"

English is still a required course in college, so a lot of the kids I knew were taking it, and some of them tried to get me to do their homework. One kid though, was particularly amusing. M was not really very interested in international communication and events, even though he was in the International Club. He was mostly interested in meeting girls. So he'd hang out in the lounge all of the time talking to the cute freshman Japanese girls. Anyway, M was studying slang in his English class. One day he said, "Jana, is there such a thing in English as 'XYZ'?" I laughed. He knew "examine your zipper" already. I tried to teach him, "Barn door's open, horse is gonna get out!" but he didn't seem to catch on.

One day M and I were sitting in the lounge and there was this book on the table, with pictures of dolls dressed up like models. In one scene, the doll is naked standing next to a tree. In the background is a Hooters restaurant. Of course I recognized the juxtaposition and I laughed. M probably just thought I was laughing at doll boobies. It was awkward, so I had to explain the joke.

"Well," I said, "Hooters is the name of a restaurant. But do you know what else hooters can mean?"

"Yeah, yeah!" he said. "It means owl, right?"

"Err, right, good, but..." I explained the other meaning. He was ecstatic to know a new slang word for boobies. Right away he tried it out on a freshman girl sitting nearby. (M was later expelled from the club.)

Well, I hope that was useful. If you feel the urge to go teach English in Japan, JET applications are due Dec. 5.