Emergency MS Paint Clip Art Comic

factor of ten!??!?!! It's the WEEKEND! I don't have to deal with math for at least another 4 days!

I have heard that people with a lot of anger get stomach problems and that people with a lot of fear get lung problems; I wonder what diseases are psychogenic like this? What causes dropsy and dyspepsia? Why do some people have six fingers? What caused Hitler's excessive flatulence? For the answers to these and other questions, tune in next week.

I'm a relatively agitated person, to some extent, and I have an ulcer at 18 simply because I let too much crap get to me... I guess that fits in somehow.

wait! I get online last minute and email comic! Don't let this travesty continue!

ok, it's kinda funny...

Yes, let us have a farce of a travesty, rather than a travesty of a farce. Or vice versa. Or vichysoise.

hahahahahahaha

This has to be the oddest one yet. It's like some kind of abstract dreamscape, or some kind of poetry sketch acted out by angsty teens at an art gallery, or the kind of street-mime-comedy you get from street performers out the front of a comedy festival opening. Why is the good doctor a moon? What's with the jar of poison? And why would it be in a doctor's office?
Why is the moon doctor like some kind of mathematical mascot?
WHY!?!?!?!!?

That's not poison, it's alcohol--i.e. "moonshine". The doctor is potrayed as a moon because he is drunk. That's why it doesn't make any sense.

any malady is related to an emotion/thought..for instance: my friend recently broke his back. the general emotion associated with the back is 'support'..in this case, my friend was feeling very unsupported in his life decisions. ouch!

I read that if you're depressed, you catch more colds. That might be, but for me, I've found that the best preventative for colds is running, walking, or biking in cold air. The exercise in cold air makes my nose run copiously, and flushes the lil' rhino-virii out; at least that's my theory. If your sinuses get stuck, you can open them with a 60-penny nail.

My new medical technique is unstoppable.

Cocaine enema?

one of my favorite gags is: "yes, if by (concept) you mean (complete opposite of concept, stated in a funny way)"

like that grey guy who had that picture thingy in his attic, it somehow never gets old

The Picture Of Dorian Grey. See, I know what you're talking about.....

Yeah! And then Oscar Wilde dresses up like Salome and dances around all over the place!

one thing i read which struck me was that apparently he was embarrassed about how yellow (or crooked, i don't remember) his teeth were, so he would often cover his mouth with his hand when he laughed... this surprised me because in the pictures of him that always get put on the book covers he looks pretty suave... but i think he was really just a big gay dork

I had heard that Oscar had his schlong not only bifurcated, but split up to resemble a cat o' nine tails! They called him, "Oscar the Octopus"

Coffee Enemas are often prescribed to treat colon cancer...!!! I wonder what preventative qualities it has. AND you still get your dose of caffeine!

that was light-years beyond the workaday non sequiteur, that was truly surreal. please don't ever lose that special sparkle... also don't forget to take your meds tonight...

Oscar Wilde was fond of camomille enemas. There's a routine where Ricky Ricardo and Fred Merkes are talking--
Ricky: "I gave Lucy a coffee enema."
Fred: "Oh? How'd she like it?"
Ricky: "She didn't."
Fred: "What'sa matter? Too hot?"
Ricky: "No, not enough cream and sugar."

Dear H________ B________.

I have seen pictures, ones I would rather forget, that comment about bi-furcation brought them back. I am not thanking you right now.

I'm not sure what an enema is, I've probably been told but I've forgotten, I like to think its the singular of enemy.

With friends like you, who needs enemas?

Many people may wonder how you can have a singular of a singular, but by using my advanced form of english grammar that uses exponential pluralism you can!

In typical english you would only use your singular or plural^1(E.P.), and your plural or plural^2(E.P). However even the most dull school boy can see that there exists plural^0, and upwards plural^3 and up, as well as square root plurals and in advanced exponetial pluralism even imaginary plurals.

Ahh Dear H.B. if more people did have friends like me I imagine the enema would be a thing of the past. As it is I find that the enema is an excellent deterrent to those who would not become my confederates in crime.
I believe a witty retort to those people would be "up yours" ;P

Anime would be the plural of animus? But I sort of follow what you are saying. Last night, I had an idea for converting English to a form of Chinese Pictographic Calligraphy, wherein sentences would be parsed into their schematic form and written as single characters. Since most people and most conversations are cliches anyway, a pictograghic shorthand would suffice. Perhaps the Chinese are onto something.

Well, it could be that a three-day yoga fast and swallowing 10 yards of gauze would eliminate the need for a high colonic. Or a monthly can of sparkling Drano crystals, for foaming relief and bubbling satisfaction right on down the drain. Or turkey sangwidges with Grey Poupon and cranberry jelly washed down with Delaware Punch. Someone here is full of something, and I aim to get to the bottom of it.

I've always felt the english language is a quaint form of communication, and whilst I use(abuse) it to its limits I would find it much easier if people used a language which could actually convey complex concepts unambigously. Just try to explain a 9 dimensional Calabi-Yau Manifold in english and you'll see what short comings there are. Add to this that a large component of english and many other languages are the subtle nuacnces that are body language and in situations where these cannot be conveyed the language breaks down.

Exponential pluralism is just one bow in the quiver of Advanced Rhetoric Semantic English.

Ye mean yarrow, a quiver full of yarrows, no bows in the quiver, the bowstring quivers, and no bows in the yarrows neither (hopefully) and I've a picture of you launching the bow standing there holding the yarrow, as I once did but can't for the life of me replicate the experiment.

Maybe this here yarrow would set you aquiver for describing your manifold.

yes

That just butters my biscuits.

hahaha

Does this cartoon reallt compensate us for a whole week of non updates? Are we supposed to read one pictures every other day?

Oh man I should have continued my tètè a tètè with THE BISCUIT.

And no I didn't mean yarrows, I meant bow, bow being the singular of both bow-wow and bough, arrows being made out of boughs of trees and all. *sounds of barrel scraping*

I know the one about the zen archery advice of never aiming at the target, which if you think about trajectory, Kentucky windage, paralax, gravitational pertubations, barometric pressure and humidity would make eminent good sense. But I have never kept a bow in the quiver. Sometimes, I use an arrow rack of three Bear arrows on the bow, thus eliminating the need for a quiver, nothing to do with The Three Bears, just three broadhead arrows. I think that this is why there is a cautionary regarding mixing metaphorage. I think that the whole brouhaha over quivering eros led to the invention of gunpowder and the alchemical transmutation of lead into tin foil. A most singular bow-wow of the genus canus phylus majorus clitoris Doris. Dumb Dee Dee, we called her. Dum Dee Dee Dum Dee Dee Dum...not saying dumb anything, I'm just so profoundly agrieved that there is no new postage on the thingsihate, also I'm out of Camels and it's below freezing outside, but here goes anyway.

When shooting a bow I always promise to flay a young heifer with gilded horns at Apollo's temple if he allows me to hit the mark.
I am still a lousy archer but I have a good way of getting rid of all those heifers in the garage.

If you're a really bad archer, it's a good way to get rid of the arrows, too! What is "orking cows" anyway? I see people talking of their cow orkers.

Is that the whole point of archery? To get rid of your arrows? I've been doing it wrong all these years. I suppose its a bit like shooting where your trying to get rid of all your bullets.

I get a nice cluster when I shoot. Telescopic sights are over-rated.

Can sarcasm be an effective form of communication in written content?

I started the Slashdot troll "Imagine a Beowulf cluster of those" I am so proud.
http://everything2.com/index.pl?lastnode_id=111377&node_id=514712

Ork as far as I can tell is a stupid spelling or Orc an Orc being a nasty monster like a goblin or something. So I guess if your orking a cow your somehow doing whatever a scary monster like a goblin or a orc would do to it, perhaps pushing them over in the middle of a night?

I'm impressed by clusters, they seem like the workingman's alternative to the supercooled soopercomputers of which I just read about another new fastest/biggest. I sort of liked the idea of the Mac G4 cube, but I think that you can get a Mac with four processors or also dual or quad PC sort of arrangements. Two slower processors are faster than one faster one, but I'd rather have four faster ones. Some of the home/desktop animatiors use the "render farms" that are clusters. I'll ask my coworkers. Line printers impressed me also, that they could print a line at a time, whomp, whomp, paper would fly out of them. I guess that you could make an electrostatic plate that would print a page at a time.

Multiprocessor is all very nice and stuff but things have to be written specifically to take advantage of them in most cases or have a OS that supports SMP so runs all threads balanced between the two CPU's, I think its mostly some kind of geek testosterone thing.
Despite actually working in computers I hate them, I also hate a lot of other things, like the people who are always trying to kill me. But computers especially because its a very elegant way of the people I hate annoying me and/or trying to kill me.

There was once a time when computers were invented to take over the boring repetative tasks, now a days they're all programmed to have all the fun and leave me with boring and repetative tasks.

Working in computers also gives you a bad back, the cases are so small, luckily I am a contortionist.

There are some free use render farms, too. This render farm still isn't as impressive looking as the Compaq thingie that looks like Tardis

A thousand ink jet heads ejaculating ink onto a page in unison. Ink jet line printers feel the power of PIEZO!

To be truly impressive the computer must be as large as a decent size 18th century solid oak wardrobe, and have lights lots of lights, green ones and red ones. It must also have as a companion a high speed tape reel that spins up randomly. (Experts say this improves speed by a factor of up to 10). I once saw a SGI machine with a laugable 16 processors, it did have an lcd screen on the front that was supposed to show processor usage, but it just went up and down like someone was listening to music.

It could happen. Or maybe piezo with reactive color film paper so as to get rid of the pesky ink jet cartriges. Smart color nanoink, you could just yell at it, and it would make pictures as yet unimagined forms and hues.

Did you know that most mens toilets have a clever system where the urinals flush when there is a drop in the water pressure.

This drop in water pressure would obviously be precipitated when the user of said urinal washes his hands.

Its the most compelling reason for wearing gloves I've ever heard.

I like the urinals that are automatic by virtue of a proximity sensor. One friend recently got part of their house re-done; the bath got gold fixtures and nice tile with marble parts, and a bidet. The architect was checking stuff, so he bent over and flushed the bidet, and it douched him right in the face! Lots of pressure! I kid my friends by asking them if the gold fixtures make the crap smell better. My friend works for the Department of Agriculture, but doesn't have computers figgered out too good. He's paranoid of virii, so won't open any attachments, and I can't get him to use Adobe PDF files. But I bet that he'd be up for gold knobs on his computer, especially if the government paid for them. I like to eat at their house, they put out a nice spread; lot of stuff. They had an apple tort that was about two feet in diameter and two inches thick, sort of like an apple pizza! They have a pottery shed that I want to use, also. The missus, she collects antique Italian things and African masks, but her butt is four feet wide, I measured it! She has to hand sew all of her clothes because she has a very peculiar build. She was very beautiful when she was young, but now she dresses in black and wears spider jewelery. Her dad was an IWW wobbly union guy, and an Alaskan gold miner. She got a big ol' butt.

someone may have contracted logorrhea

I think that you would contract logorrhea: lgr'a. Or you could get The Mob to put out a logorrhea contract. You can lead a horse head to water, but you can't make it appear to talk without peanut butter.

every one of those jimmie mcmanises out there that are so retarded that they think brad's mom is a new jones soda flavor. they all need to be caught smoking the cock have the end lit and jammed in their forehead while brad's mom rubbs her penis on the back of their heads

Why does everyone look like Wayne Newton? What the hell is going on? I only stopped here for a...I forget what it was now. Willie Nelson''s brother was just getting a 12-pak of Old Milwackie, and he'd been in a fight with Willie on Thanksgiving because somebody had knocked over the turkey and then scooped it up with a shovel like nothing had happened, so Willie Nelson's brother got a broken hand and a broken nose and all the turkey, Wild Turkey and beer, and at eight ante meridian en la pinche madrugada he was looking for some hair of the frog. I gave him some cigarettes for some beers, and got him lit, because he claimed he couldn't strike a match on account of the broken hand. Lying sack o' shit, it was because of his nose was out of joint.

etymologically, biscuit means 'twice baked', but you good sir appear to be only half baked

Believe me! I'm like totally toasted!

Hey el cocinero if your so clever...

1: What does Hieronymous mean?
2: What are you doing here?

El Cocinero! Are you one of those Mexican wrestlers? I like the Lucha Libre!

At least the website is finally living up to its name...

Think of it like sex, you get out of it what you put into it. If you're one of those sexually passive people who just lays back and says "Do me!" don't complain about the way you get done. If you're not getting much out of this, try putting more into it, teenie-weenie person! If we were in jail, you could be my be-yotch. In fact, you can be my be-yotch anyway.

WE ARE STILL ACCEPTING SUBMISSIONS YOU KNOW

No tickee, no washee!

At last I see this concept, so long denied, come to fruition. I daresay it is even better in it's current form than when staniel conceived of it as a "pokey" comic long and drunken months ago.

I stand as witness that staniel has rage in the bowel and is therefore unstoppable, & c.

Bowels of Steel! Bowels of Steel in only six weeks, with the amazing Bowels of Steel work-out tape. New Chinese invention allows your bowels to live forever! The rest of your parts may waste away and fall off, but your bowels will slither on into eternity. As seen on TeeVee

Editors: You have my cartoon from last week, yes?

"Think of it like sex, you get out of it what you put into it?"
I hate thinking of sex as something where only I put something into it and only get something out of it and then only get out of it what I put into it. And I hate corn-on-the-cob too because you have to shuck it and throw away the outside and then cook the inside and then eat the outside. And I hate to think of getting medical advice from a crescent of cheese without knowing what phase the cheese is in.