By: Annna
[2002-12-02]
Five Dreams
short ones
I've been working on a cold this past week. The bugs and the drugs have resulted in some uneasy sleep.
Richard Nixon
I wake up to the telephone ringing. I knock the cat over, roll out of bed and answer; it's Pop. He met Richard Nixon and he's bringing him over. Great. I look around and think of what I have to hide or put away, figuring that I have the three hours it takes to drive between Medford and Eugene in which to shower and clean up. Then I realize that Pop's end of the call sounds pretty loud.
"Are you in a pay phone?"
"We're in Roseburg!"
That's about an hour south of here. So I run around, straighten things up, hide the fake breasts, take a shower and do the dishes, but it's all still a mess when Pop and Nixon show up. They're already pals, slapping each other on the back and giving each other high fives, and I feel like the third wheel. Pop decided that we should go to a movie, specifically Jackass. I don't think we should take Richard Nixon to Jackass, but I can't think of any way to say so politely.
Cat
The cat is chewing on my feet, which is not so unusual except for the vigor she's applying to the task. Also, she's not biting my toes; she's chewing on the tops of my feet. I look down and am horrified to see that she's torn off nearly all the skin from the top of my right foot and I can see muscles and tendons. The cat runs off with the skin; it's like a fake chamois, except thicker and wet.
Matchmaker
We've gotten a new appliance and it makes matches. You put a block of wood inside and press the lever - matchsticks! They stay in the cutter and you dip them all at once in the red goop, let them dry and then dip them in the white abrasive stuff if you want strike anywhere matches. The two pans of goo are little drawers beneath the cutting area. The whole thing is made of white plastic - it's like a cross between an onion rose maker and an ice cream maker - and it's taking up counter space for no good reason. I'm not happy.
Stroke
I cough and cough and cough and there is suddenly a wet burst and it feels like leaning back into a lukewarm bathtub except inside my head. "Oh, crap," I think, "as soon as this clots I won't be able to think anymore." I can't decide whether to write something or call 911, but then I figure that if I don't call nobody will find me until it's too late anyway, so I don't need to write any kind of living will after all. I still can't think of what to do with my last minutes of consciousness, though.
Roller Disco
There's a roller disco in the living room. I hung two rotating light balls from the ceiling when Target had them on sale (really) but now there's actual disco music and more lights and all the rugs and chairs are gone and there are 1970s PEOPLE ALL THE HELL OVER dancing and making out. I am running around yelling at them: this was supposed to be ironic! Stop rollerskating! But they aren't paying attention to me and I can't get my footing on the floor, without wheels. I don't fall over but I am in constant fear of it.
Throwin' Up
When I get up, I start coughing and coughing, coughing up all the horrible mildew-tasting green stuff that's been dripping all night. I cough so hard, spitting into the toilet, that I start throwing up, but it's nearly clear because I haven't eaten in 18 hours, just drunk several liters of water. It comes out like the first spurts from a sticky outdoor faucet. As I'm coughing and throwing up, my nose starts bleeding.
That one wasn't a dream.
I was counting!
When I start to get coagulated, I stop all milk, eggs, and anything that has gluten, like grains. They have grapefruit here cheap now, so I get those. Oranges are sort of pricey, but they've got Christmas citrus boxes like Clementines, and weird crossbred hybrids. I don't remember any of my deep sleep dreams. Sometimes after getting drunk for a couple of days, when I resume normal sleep I get vivid dreams, as if there is more dreaming to catch up.
ON saturday/sunday, or the saturday sunday transitional period known as the night I spent 24hours of time moving my friends stuff from one house to the other.
This being notable because everythign had to be carried down 2 flights of steps, then loaded into a van driven to the new place then carried up 4 flights of steps.
We only had the van hired for 24 hours and we didn't get anyting done in the first 12 hours because nothing was packed!!! So we had to run up and down the 4 flights of stairs with the stuff so we could get the rental van back before they reamed our asses. (Thats what van companys do, and we'd already popped a wheel.)
My legs hurt, my arms hurt, I hurt all over, and even in places I never knew existed, and now I'm at work.
Don't ever say that about Satsuma's again.
Satsuma's are similar to clementines, they always appear at christmas, some satsumas are nice other are not. Satsumas are what you would call a mixed bag, they are nice and easy to peel. I like satsumas, if you want good satsumas then don't buy the cheap supermarket satsumas, in fact don't buy anything at supermarkets.
Supermarkets are inherantly evil, whilst they outwardly appear to be a useful convenient place to get all your food, but all they want is your money and they don't care how they get it as long as it involves a trolley.
I can't imagine oranges being expensive but in america fresh fruit may be a precious commodity. Then again I have very little clue as to the value of money these days. Still if you can make your money on FCOJ, who cares right?
I like the name Miss Beau, but I have no idea what a Face Pee Pot is. The site looks work safe and the link I tried brought up what looked like doormats, but the site was so badly designed it will give me nightmares tonight, I assume thats what your on about, either that or dreams about Miss Beau, and her little Face Pee Pot shop.
I think that it's probably Admiral Possum Face-Pee Pot. Certainly, if I were a pretender to the throne, I'd choose something else. Pee Pot may be a title or term of endearment in that part of Alabama. Or refer to watersports, I dunno. Admiral Possum Face Pee Pot did have some wicked-looking switchblades and brass knuckles, and some glitzy glitter clothes. I would wager that it would be fun to party with the Admiral. I think that I might remember seeing nice small wooden boxes of individually wrapped satsumas that were relatively cheap. I also like Chinese persimmons. Persimmons and kiwis make a colorful tray.
so do you really have fake breasts lying around, or were they just in the dream?
I had a dream about work last night. My old boss came back to the company, and everyone started working on this big project. I didn't know what the project was at first.
I went into this large warehouse that we for some reason had now, and in there I saw the project: Giant keyboard. This keyboard was about four hundred feet long, taking up the entire room.
They keys were large and required a person to push down on them with both hands, putting all their weight into it.
I don't know who needed a keyboard that large, or why we were suddenly in the keyboard building business.
I expect the giant keyboard was for some remake of all clued up, only bigger.
http://www.ukgameshows.com/atoz/programmes/a/all_clued_up/
Quality!
This is why you should always drink bottled water
Ha! bottled water!
I have secret fantasys where the whole of the civilised world die off from some obsure bug because they clean everything, eat antibiotics in every meal, drink bottled water and so haven't built up any immune effect.
Maybe I'm just jealous because I was brought up on pig fat and road grease as my staple.
Yeah, I got sort of the same thing started by the furor over peanuts, not that I like peanuts that much; I'd rarher have the almonds with the Scotch on the airplane. But I have an allergy or two, and I have to read the damned labels on things. I think that people with peanut allergies should look out for themselves. I resent the effort to turn the World into a big rubber room that is safe for even the most lame-assed retards. If you can't run with the big dogs, stay on the porch and pee with the puppies!!!
I think ultimately the idea is to breed the human race into a pathetic drone dependant on the life it leads, it needs to have expensive bottled water, new clothes, processed food, generic entertainment, it works daily to get enough money so it can buy these things, the circle is unbroken, until one day they can be replaced by machines.
Its only when they've done this and centurys have passed they realise they don't need machines either and they'll get rid of them too. All you'll have left is the idiots who made all this happen, who will eventually take their own lives, leaving nothing to explain the demise of the inhuman race.
The irony is even knowing what is to ultimately become of the human race i'm unable to stop it happening. I love this world.
Drink muddy water and sleep in a hollow log.
This fellow claims to eat raw pork and poultry with no adverse effects, after building up his immunity: start with raw eggs, unpasteurized milk, sushi, and raw beef, then work your way up. If you dig around on his site enough, you can read his take on the foreign (French, I think) guy who ate wild animal livers and drank water from a muddy pond and went into a coma. The authorities delivered him into the care of a hospital, where he was pumped full of antibiotics. The site owner's mentor in all things uncooked argues that the guy's body was comatose because such an influx of helpful (which he thinks they all are) microbes was flushing out more toxins than his system could handle, but he would have survived (and come back stronger!) if left to convalesce.
Vinny claims also that he no longer gets sick. He does admit to frequent and nasty "purges," in which his body, filled with jolly, loving bacteria, releases pent-up toxins that had been buried deep inside during his former, cooked food-eating life.
Another thing is: hormones. I think all that bovine growth hormone is responsible for the early onset of puberty these days; as I gather, it was common a few generations ago for menarche to occur during the teenage years, and now about once a year you hear about some pedo getting an eight year old pregnant.
what a wonderful note that he's from frederick, not terribly far from my home house location.
I know that live yoghurt, live grains, live veggies raw, spring water, fresh fruit, nice hot bread and unpasteurized beer are good. But I still like a nice hunk of red meat charred on the outside and still bloody. I like Yakima apples, but they found that what makes red apples red is Red Dye #2 that has been outlawed by the FDA but occurs naturally in apples. The Canadians are having a big cheese war over certain kinds of cheese having possibly harmful bacteria. I like Smithfield Country Hams, which are cured by a process of salt, sugar, smoke, mirrors, and a green mold that is not legal under current FDA standards, but the FDA lets Smithfield continue this process because it is the traditional method of curing hams. Moderation is probably the key, do not exceed the LD50 too often. Or maybe like that hemlock drinking Greek said, "A little poison now and then for pleasant dreams and finally much poison for a pleasant death." Either that, or get an eagle to drop a turtle on your skull.
I looked at Vinny Pinto's web page, and while healthy eating is probably a good idea, I don't know that I can take him seriously because I think that he has named himself after a bean or the worst car Ford ever made. Also, if he were from Hagarstown I could take him more seriously, but Fredneck?
Also, where can I find mastodon meat?
When my ex greets me at the door wering a T shirt with 2 men having oral sex-YUCK!
Is your ex a fag hag?
mouse over mistake's e-mail address and you'll see the horrifying truth... that's no fag hag, THAT'S A MAN, BABY!
In our "wilderness" classes, we were always coached to drink pond water over river water. River water is full of chemicals rushing downstream, but pond water has had a chance for microbes to break down the hazardous chemicals (pesticides or what have you).
You're still supposed to filter it to get the bacteria out. Filters work great on big things like bacteria and girardia, but not chemicals. Of course, you've got to remember to carry one.
I'd still hope for the bubbling spring to appear if I were lost in the wilderness.
I've had some good stream water, but it's been in the mountains from snow run-off. It's very good! It runs over limestone rocks. Once, I took some home because it was so good, but it seems to kind of go flat, not being freshly aerated from cascading over the rocks. You can make a simple solar still with some sheets of polypro. Some guys here get old whiskey barrels from the distillery and put a pan in the bottom of the barrel and a sheet of polypro on top, and they get another gallon out of the barrel from solar heat. The vapor condenses on the plastic and drips into the pan.
One time when surveying in the woods all day, we were thirsty but didn't have any water. Some surveyors are good water witches. We use two-foot long sections of plumbing pipe to mark survey points in the ground. So, we're walking out of the woods and it's a couple of miles but everyone is thirsty. One of the guys saw a low place in the woods covered with dried leaves, and he hammered a piece of pipe into the ground about a foot and water shot up about a foot out of the pipe, nice and cold and sweet. When we came back the next day, the water was still bubbling out of the pipe. Some water witches use green willow sticks, but some just feel where spring water is. One guy that I worked with was called "The Grazer" because he was eating stuff all along the way through the woods, and at lunch time he'd never buy anything because he was full.
Take Nixon to see "Jackass" and get him a box of Raisinettes.
I like rambutans, and Ilex, I live near Melbourne, and yes, I am Australian. How do you see Kath 'n' Kim, if you're not Australian yourself? Name me one Australian comedy show that does not try to emphasize that we are Australian and making Australian shows that emphasize that we're really Australian.
How do I see Kath 'n' Kim if I'm not auss myself, erm...with special glasses that have different lenses. East Timor is only 200 mi fom Austrailia. raisins, raisins
Richard Nixon? Heh, Richard Nixon.
Nixon: Have any of you guys seen that move? Jackass?
Aid 1: No, sir.
Nixon: That Steve-o, I tell you, he's a... he's a crazy one.
Aid 1: That's what I hear.
Nixon: A crazy one.
Aid 2: I saw it.
Nixon: He's not one of them, is he?
Aid 2: One of who, sir?
Nixon: I dunno, Jew, darkie...
Aid 2: I don't know sir.
Nixon: You don't know?
Aid 2: No.
Nixon: If he's a Jew? Christ. Next thing you know I've got to explain to ever ambassador in the world why Americans are stapling their nutsacks to each other.
Aid 1: Stapling their nutsacks?
Nixon: That's his thing, I guess. He staples his nutsack.
Aid 1: To what sir?
Nixon: To himself! Staples that thing right on there, to his uh... to his leg.
Aid 2: I love you sir.
Nixon: Let's make uh... let's make sweet love, why don't we?
Aid 2: Yes sir.
Nixon: mmph.... HUALAGAGALLCLACCLACLALEL
Aid 1: *fwap fwap fwap*
Nixon: hualaclalual.. nutsacks... mphh... hualala.. stapled right on..
It's a good thing that Nixon and Clinton weren't in the White House at the same time, or Nixon would have been walking bow-legged.
I've never seen clinton walking close up, he could very well have had a body double to do the walking so everyone didn't know he walked like he was bow legged.
You should've made that a new update. Or is it barred for being Nixon audio tape slash fiction?
I can't remember what channel #thingsihate is on?
irc.fojar.com
if you like the less reliable servers
twins, i have no clue how you'd watch it unless you were Australian, and i can't think of one: most Australian comedy is rubbish; except the comedy which isn't supposed to be comedy.... Melbourne is a quaint place, indeed...
"BUSH OUTS HIS ECONOMIC TEAM"
Crap! I could have told him that! Everyone knows about accountants. And hairdressers and interior decorators. And choreographers, florists, and priests. And plumbers and pinball machine repairmen. And Sgt. Maj.'s in the Austrailian Army. You got to be damned careful where you drop the soap these days.
The only Australian comedy I think is worthwhile are the originals from the late 70's, the 80's, possibly early 90's. The only ones I like are Full Frontal, and Fast Forward. Damn those were funny. I have only a coupla tapes with 80's episodes.
Now I think it's just getting old and demeaning.
I read somewhere that Melbourne is the gay capital of the WORLD.
THE WORLD.
'Nuff said.
