By: staniel
[2003-02-20]
Stealing
everything about it is appealing
Boris stolen from
The National Neighborhood Watch Institute
I keep wanting to steal things. Not specific things, in fact, I can't think of anything I've seen recently that I want to steal. I just like the idea of grabbing something, running off with it, and getting away. I can't really put a finger on a specific thing that would fill the need, though. This idea is still colored a little bit by practicality, and the ideal item would have to be something with which I could conceivably abscond. It can't require skill to steal, like a car, or present difficulties with people looking for it, also like a car.
No, the ideal object of theft is small. It is desirable, at least to me, but uncommon, or at least not an everyday item. Things I enjoy but often purchase are right out -- I'm not a high school kid or a kleptomaniac. It's something I'd never buy, for example, overpriced cheese. Unfortunately, food presents difficulties. Grocery stores are more and more observant these days, and half a pound of imported Canadian yellow cheddar aged two years for maximum sharpness would be cold and discomfort-inducing against my skin. And it would most likely be against my skin, after all. I never got into pocketing things when I was a teenage shoplifter. The pocket is open to the flighty, disloyal air, and therefore presents a vulnerability, albeit more perceived than actual. No, down the pants is the way to go. Thus arrives another stipulation: the item must fit down my pants.
Shoplifting itself kind of turns me off anymore, though I'd do it in a flash if all the other signs were right. What I really want is to make off with something that won't be sorely missed, but which will present a conspicuous, bewildering absence. A pie cooling on a windowsill would fit the bill admirably, but I don't think people do that anymore. If they do, it's probably only in rustic areas where people will shoot you for taking their pie, which is a risk I'm not yet willing to take.
Your suggestions are welcome. Without them, I'll remain law-
abiding. Second definition.
That's Boris? That's good to know; I'd been referring to him as "The Skulker." If you were willing to become an Italian Organ Grinder w/monkey, I could suggest training the monkey to fetch things. One guy in Washington, DC trained a pet rat to fetch rocks of crack coke and stuff in little plastic bags. I don't know how he got caught at it, but it made the newspapers a few years back. Fiber-optic guys use trained rats to help them install. Maybe you know the story about the Russian guy who was stealing wheelbarrows; not that you should steal wheelbarrows, but that's a good method, too. Crows like shiny things, and I guess that a crew of crows and rats could gather a bushel of jewelery in a day, I betcha.
Cattle rustling! Think of it! Round-ups! Branding irons! AND you get to wear chaps!
I would say to go into a delicatessen, grab a hanging german sausage shove it down your pants and make a run for it, chances are if they do catch you they won't want it back anyway.
"Claws in the Night"? Staniel could be like Tyaa, only less womanly. If he wanted.
You can't link that Merriam-Webster goodness. Try
Dictionary.com--hmm... you have to pay to get the Merriam-Webster defintion on Dictionary.com. That site really went down the drain.
If you really want to be cool, take up vandalism.
I'll take care of that Webster's thing later. How annoying.
First, get really good at dancing. Then, forget dancing and take up Ballet. Then get really good at Ballet. Then wait until you're in the position to perform the most acclaimed and famous ballet in the history of mankind. Then, do the Gorrila dance to ruin it. Then you can take the choreographers HEARTS (he has 2) and SOUL (he has one)
I'm stealing my company's money just in taking the time to type this.
Sigh.
Well, back to work, I guess.
My best friend's brother-in-law works in a prison, and he knows a kid doing time for car theft. The thing of it was that it was the car theft is just a small part of a larger operation. See, they'd find a car they'd like to have, steal it and take it to a friendly mechanic who would remove the engine. Afterwards, they'd take the car out and leave it somewhere, and report it in as abandonded. When car went to the junkyard, they'd go and buy it for $300, put the engine back, and Presto! The car is yours, free and clear. The only drawback is that the car has a salvage title.
I don't know if it would actually work, but it's scary how easy it would be to lose your car if it was true.
Move to London and get a gang of child pickpockets.
...pretty rocks?
The Toys R Us here has a big basket of free diapers of various sizes, just sitting there in the bathroom. (The women's, at least.) I'd be lying if I told you our inflatable monkey isn't diapered now.
(on his best behavior because Annna is around) My friend, who we will call Micah since that is his real name, used to be really good at swiping computer parts from the Science lab. He would just chunk them out the window into the bushes, then pick them up after school. Pretty ingenuis huh?
Our Science lab was on the Third Floor. I think Micah makes a living sniffing markers now.
At the local Borders Books here, in the mens room they have diapering stations, which there is big publicity about not using because they tend to be unsanitary, not specific to Borders, but any of the public rest room diapering stations. But anyway, I'm glad that the monkey is diapered, lest it be doing unseemly things in public. So, at these local Borders Books, there is often a big stack of like 10 lb. bags of espresso! I would have to be wearing a very bulky coat, or have a baby stroller to trundle out some of this fine coffee for which they charge prices like it was narcotics.
Nappies to youse guys in the UK, but were not allowed to say "nappy" here.
Nappy
!!!(what have I done?)!!!
You want pie? Track down the art installation created by a Brooklyn artist, Anissa Mack. Titled "Pies for a Passerby," the piece consists of this picturesque little cottage, complete with red-and-white checkered gingham curtains, in which Mack bakes apple pies from scratch, one at a time. The artist then places the pie on a windowsill to cool -- and, presumably, to be snatched by an opportunistic bystander. She was interviewed on NPR; apparently she spends (spent?) all day in the house baking pies for people to steal.
What a great
display! At a minimum, I'd want to stick in my thumb. But also, I'd think it was too good a setup, and probably boobytrapped!
If you do go for shoplifting, here's some advice on technique. Be quick and decisive in your movements, and develop an opportunistic eye.
When I look back at my short-lived career as a schoolboy shoplifter (you don't get many shops selling schoolboys anymore, do you?) my technique was to make movements towards the desired item so slow and gradual that the grumpy looking shopkeeper with the big eyebrows would not be alarmed and therefore I'd avoid suspicion.
The thing is, that never worked.
Stealin', I'm stealin'
Pretty Mama, don't you tell on me
I'm stealin' back to my long time used to be
Baggy Trousers are good with the ends tied or bicycle clips, then just walk up to the hair shampoo, undo your fly and gently slip the hair shampoo down your trousers, when your full do fly up and walk out normally.
I honestly cried when dictionary.com became dictionary.reference.com. I was so attached to that accessible site, with the wealth of vocabulary so breezily tapped into. I used to be able to find not only ridiculously non-used "words," such as *brobdingnagian*, but definitions of literary terms, like *theater of the absurd* or *English sonnet*. Okay, maybe that's not so impressive, but for a damn dictionary it is. Harrumph. Now, I am constantly referred to medical dictionaries, for reasons unbeknownst to me, or pay sites, or whatever have you. I am pissed. Has anyone a comparable site to suggest? (I am not quite impressed with Miriam Webster, but [sigh] I suppose I'll make do.)
I have been using www.yourdictionary.com which has undergone some downgrading from having lots of specialty dictionaries also to just being a plain but serviceable sort of dictionary.
I like to steal free things from various places, just to get it out of my system. For example, you could rent a hotel room and steal the soap! Take napkins and straws from convinience stores. Don't look too suspecious though, or they'll think you're taking something valuable. To avoid this, I usually announce loudly, "I am stealing this pencil,"(for instance) then proceed to stuff it in my shirt. You could stuff them in your pants though!
Sometimes you can get clerks to play along. If you have a local thrift shop, or privately owned "punk clothing" store, they usually have a basket labled "free" (I don't know why). Bring an item from it to the counter, and ask how much it costs. Usually they will reply "it is free." After that, stuff it in your pocket, or shirt, or pants, and look like a seedy character!
If you use public transportation, steal a schedule! When you get to your stop, be sure to take it out and make the driver aware of his folly of not gaurding his schedules better! They really like it when you do that, especially if you call them a sucker, as you run away, like a little girl.
That's all I can think of, Bye!!!
I usually steal books. I have amassed a great collection of them and they cost me nothing. In all honestly I don't steal if I can pay for it but if I am broke then there hd better be lasers guarding it.
Our local mall has a Walden Books. It has no sensor so you can step in and out freely without an annoying buzzer going off. The best method is to wear pants that can spare an inch or so in the waist and a button up shirt that hangs slightly past the waist, unbuttoned of course. Go and find a book and do a quick check to make sure no one is around and insert it in your pants, against the small of your back. As you nonchalantly walk out you can feel good knowing you jipped those publishers who charge an outrageous $25 for a 250 page hardback.
