By: Antwan Hearts [2003-03-18]

Me Story

I had a certain attraction to faeries

the consensus is that this is probably a true story

Hieronymous Biscuit asked me to write a story and I wasn't sure if he was joking or not, but... I've got something interesting if you wanna hear it.

It was about four years ago. I was surfing around the internet absent-mindedly, just killing time really. I happened upon a "He-Man and the Masters of the Universe" message board. Having loved the show as a youngster, I battled off a barrage of pop-up ads and started posting.

It didn't take long for every other member of the board to begin hating me. Maybe it was because they were jealous of my extensive knowledge of the show, or maybe it was because my user name was "Prince Adams" and I was declaring that I was He-Man in real life, but they were all probably just jerks. Anyway, not wanting to rant on about useless details, this is where I met my girlfriend. Her user name was "Little Fairy" and, I had a certain attraction to faeries.

We talked for a while (and by a while I mean two years and $700 worth of phone bills) and decided to meet. Now, I haven't lost my mind from watching too many cartoons, the reason I told you about the message board was because when we met in real life, I was supposed to say "By the Power of Grayskull!"

Now, flash forward to the airport. I had written down what her gate was but my sweaty hands had betrayed me (CURSE THEM!) and I had smeared the number. So, using usual Antwan logic, I decided to wander around and look for a anybody who slightly resembled her in any way. Just as I was considering having her paged, I spotted her. Our first face-to-face conversation went something like this:

"By the Power of Grayskull!"

"...hi"

Six minutes of uncomfortable silence.

The moment was so romantic that you could taste the animal attraction.

"uhh... Ta?"

"Yeah?"

"Do you wanna go somewhere and do something?"

"Sure, you're the boss."

Now, we'd never been the most romantic couple, but we had waited about 660 days for this moment, and we had literally counted off the days. Well, I knew she liked to mess with me sometimes, so I went ahead and took her out for our first date.

I took her to a movie and tried to hold her hand. Denied.

I took her out to dinner and she ate a steak. She was a vegetarian.

I took her to a local park just as it was getting dark. She kept looking at her watch.

Up to this moment, we had exchanged less than fifty words. All she did was continue to stare at her watch and smile at me occasionally.

"Is something wrong, Ta?"

"No."

"You wanna sit down over there?"

"If that's what you want."

So we sat down. She pushed her watch and it glowed green in the dark. She spoke without provocation for the first time since we had met.

"Six hours."

"What?"

"You've had me for six hours."

Well, that was cute wasn't it? She had been counting the hours that we were together. Ta had never been very talkative anyway. I guess everything was okay after all. She looked up at me and my heart sort of fluttered.

"You're a strange boy."

"Me know."

I muttered back to her in baby talk. It had been a rocky start... I bet she was just jet-lagged.

"Most guys don't keep me for more than an hour."

...what...

"Most guys?"

"Yeah, so, not to be ungrateful because you're really nice, but are we going to fuck soon?"

"What...?"

"That's normally what you do with a woman of my profession"

...

"What's your last name?"

"Marcy."

My girlfriend's name was Ta Gorsod.

"Just because you took me out, doesn't mean you get a discount. It's still $20 and I don't provide condoms."

"But... but, this isn't possible... I said By the Power of Grayskull..."

"Yeah, I do 'tards too."

The moral of the story: If you're meeting someone that you've never seen except through poor-quality pictures and have a secret code-phrase worked out - MAKE SURE THAT BOTH OF YOU HAVE SOMETHING TO SAY.

Also, He-Man is gay.

Quad Amp Nympho [2003-03-18 06:42:00] Hieronymous Biscuit

I'm not sure exactly why, but this reminded me of my date with the quad amp nympho. While at school, a mate told me of some fantastic sex that he'd had with a quad amp nympho. At the outset, he didn't mention that she was a quad amp, just how great the sex was and that he could fix me up with her; then as sort of an afterthought, he mentioned that by the by, she's a quad amp. So, in any event, I called her up and arranged to pick her up on Saturday evening. We drove around for a while, then she suggested that we drive up to a scenic overlook and park, which we did. We sat in the twilight listening to the music on the radio, and she told me to kiss her, and I did, for she had a pretty face with full, pouty lips. Soon, I was clutching her breasts and we were both breathing hard. She told me to remove her blouse, and I did. Then she told me to pick her up, and hang her by the back of bra strap from a nearby tree. Then, we proceeded to have some of the best sex ever, for although she was a quad amp, she was surely magic in that department. Well, after several sweaty hours, I put her back into the car and drove her home. I was somewhat embarrassed when we arrived at her house because her father walked out to the car to help her into the house, she was obviously disheveled, and her father must surely have known what we'd been up to. "Thanks for bringing her home, " he said. I said, "What?" He said, "Yeah, most of the guys just leave her hanging there."

Hey Antwan [2003-03-18 08:02:00] posthumous

I thought that was pretty damn funny.

You want to write my next cartoon?

Hey, I got an idea, sort of... [2003-03-18 14:27:00] Hieronymous Biscuit

It's an easy cartoon, a chicken and an egg, it doesn't matter which one you draw first. The chicken is asking the egg, "Hey, you want to get laid?" See, the humor part is about which one comes first.

[2003-03-18 16:00:00] Jonas

I really really hope that story is true. It's too good not to be true.

The end? [2003-03-18 18:04:00] Snotkitty

Is it just me, or is this story missing an ending? Forgive my curiousity, but did you take the girl back to the airport or... make use of her services?

Tho if you have a "certain" attraction to faeries [2003-03-18 23:27:00] Jonas

I might suggest the docks. Maybe you could find a Theo.

Ending [2003-03-19 08:00:00] Hieronymous Biscuit

Not to be left hanging there, I guess that the moral of the story is the importance of having a countersign as well as a sign. Naturally, my curiosity was also piqued, wanting to know if romance ensued regardless of its haphazard nature.

Fairy Conflict [2003-03-19 09:11:00] posthumous

I see that you use the traditional latinate spelling whereas your girlfriend uses the revisionist Tolkien spelling. Do you still cling to these opposing beliefs, and if so how does your relationship survive? Is it because you still haven't met her?

[2003-03-19 09:53:00]

I prefer the story without end, it is entirely irrelevant whether he got laid, whether he had an argument with his girlfriend when he spoke with her next, whether she waited for hours at the airport for him. But thats all just boring pointless stuff, its the things soaps are there for, or Big Brother.

It's better to imagine what happened after, in the end we know he finally met his Ta, and they became attached so its not like we don't know it worked out in the end.

I call for a complete lack of ending to all storys. End the ending of storys today!

Denouement [2003-03-19 10:29:00] Hieronymous Biscuit

Or just have the ending, and you can figure out how the hell to get there. But stories without beginnings or endings would be nice, too; like a slice of life, or just eating the middle out of an Oreo. There could be stories with "double-stuff" or stories that are like a pizza without the crust or tomato paste, just a big ball of mozarella. Or like a baseball diamond with only third base. Who's on first? You'd never know. A story that's all caboose and no train.

All caboose and no train [2003-03-19 15:09:00] Jonas

Porn?

Good point, posthumous.

quad amp [2003-03-19 16:24:00] jane

that might have been really funny, and I might have believed it, had my ex boyfriend not told me that joke about a month and a half ago. Yeah. Great story, Antwan!

Quad Amp Joke [2003-03-19 17:22:00] Hieronymous Biscuit

Well, at least the quad amp joke isn't as old a joke as Antwan's joke. Ask "The Frog"

Thoughts [2003-03-19 20:43:00] Andre Young, M.D.

Personally I find the idea of having sex with a quadriplegic much less repulsive than the idea of having sex with a chick with no legs but fully functional arms. I think that the large ratio of arm length to leg length would make me feel like I was having sex with a gibbon. Plus, chicks with no arms or legs won't cop out and give you a hand job instead of performing fellatio... Also, seeing 2 quad amputees trying to have sex would be hilarious. If I saw a quad amp in a bar I would walk over and buy her a drink and say, "Hey, your radial symmetry is sexy."

Short Hair, too [2003-03-20 02:28:00] Hieronymous Biscuit

Because they often stop to fiddle with their hair a while, too.

YA FOR HEMAN! [2003-03-21 17:58:00] SlightlyInsane

None of you know me...and I have never heard of this site..I sorta stumbled across it while surfering another one....anyways, my lame point i you guys made me laugh...like fall off my crappy computer chair laugh...I needed that...I really really needed that...thank you.....

Antwan you are fat [2003-03-31 06:26:00] Zim

Antwan, is so fat. Make him write more, say "Write more Bee-itch" LOLZ!!!11 OMG DUDE HE IS SO FUNNY

I WANT YOU SO BAD!!!!!!1122!!24 [2003-04-07 06:42:00] Hot_4_U

ANTWAN HEARTS IS SO HOTT, HE IS THE SEXYEST MAN ALIVE. ALTHOUGH HIS BEARD LOOKS LIKE PUBES, AND HIS HAIR SMELLS LIKE ASS, BUT THATS OK, I LOVE HIM!!!

All content copyright original authors; contact them for reprint permission.