Cliff Notes: Hitler's Crystal
originally on eBay, but worthwhile
This is a lot of EIGHT new, mint, trashy books, each 3x4", 96 pages. I feel I can safely state that these are the best books ever. It's like someone wrote a cheesy novel to sell at airports, then they left it to boil for a while. I'll use the Nazi book, Hitler's Crystal, as an example.
A summary (it's 96 tiny pages, so bear in mind that a chapter is 4 or 5 pages the size of a Post-It note):
PROLOGUE: Some Nazi scientists invent something evil.
CHAPTER 1: Rip Stanfield, the protagonist, gets in a big gunfight. No reason is given, but a lot of stuff gets shot up.
CHAPTER 2: Something mysteriously blows up. Rip talks with his boss, some kind of CIA guy:
"Which reminds me, have you ever explained to your jet-set clientele how you got your nickname? That would curl their goddamn hair."
"C'mon, Jim. So I take one guy's head off with a ripsaw and bang, right away I got a nickname. What would you do if you got jumped in a hardware store?"
In a lovely and subtle bit of exposition, atomic structure is compared to Tinker toys.
CHAPTER 3: For the benefit of the readers, Rip thinks about all the different guns he has, and how he quit the CIA. His boss tells him to check out a bicycle factory.
CHAPTER 4: A guy at the bicycle factory has a big snake tattoo. This is what people in the business like to call foreshadowing. Bicycle manufacture is discussed at great length.
"My God," Stanfield whispered to himself, "these bastards really are building bicycles."
CHAPTER 5: Suddenly, a guy tries to kill Rip. Luckily, the attacker is wearing a tool belt.
"Sorry to screw up your social calendar, pal, but I had to settle a little matter with Norm Abram's mutant twin." Stanfield held an ice-filled towel against his swollen lips. "The world's biggest fix-it man tried to do a little dentistry work on me. I think I offed him, but I'm not sure. He was gone when I came to."
"Offed him? With what? You shouldn't have a gun, Rip."
"Well, I wish to hell I'd had a gun. I guess now you'll have to start calling me 'hack.'"
CHAPTER 6: Rip gets beaten up more effectively by a mysterious figure who is not wearing a tool belt.
CHAPTER 7: Rip wakes up in some chick's apartment. She tells him she's from the KGB, so they have sex.
CHAPTER 8: It turns out that the KGB has been paying the chick in counterfeit money. She seems mildly put out. More sex. The KGB chick establishes herself as a good bicycle mechanic.
CHAPTER 9: After some sex, the enormous hit man comes back and tries to kill Rip and the KGB chick. After Rip and the KGB chick have more sex, I mean. I don't think the tool belt guy was getting any. They stick his head through a TV and make a horrible joke about violence on TV.
CHAPTER 10: Car chase!
CHAPTER 11: Our heroes infiltrate some KKK/White Pride people directly from Central Casting, then escape in a pickup truck that comes conveniently loaded with automatic weapons.
CHAPTER 12: Rip dyes his hair. There is witty banter, which leads to more sex.
CHAPTER 13: They infiltrate the bicycle plant by wearing overalls and mentioning racial purity. Ex-Nazi scientists show up. The mysterious stuff is being smuggled under high pressure in bike tires.
Everything hits the fan. Rip's boss turns out to be a double agent and gets shot. Other people get shot. Then a lot of stuff blows up. Rip and the KGB chick escape.
EPILOGUE: It is hinted that Rip and the KGB chick will have much sex in the future.
Clearly the best work of literature on the face of the Earth. It takes about 15-20 minutes to read.
As if Hitler's Crystal weren't enough, I'm also going to send you Hole in One, a super-accurate yet crazed sniper talks to his dead parents and kills people on a golf course, Dead in Red, a detective story with extra grit, Walk with the Dead, which features some of the best developed characters in this line in the person of some rotting zombies, Carnivore, a Jurassic Park rip-off with more of a focus on evisceration, Cowboy's Lady, which is a romance and is every bit as bad as you'd think, Hot Pursuit, in which an aloof secretary and a rough and tumble pilot must band together and escape from organized crime and Rebel Justice, the touching story of a Civil War veteran who wanders around killing people until he abruptly decides he's done and the prostitute he impresses.