Last Wednesday Night

conjures up images of community college on a balmy summer night

I get the feeling that it might have been more than spelling fiduciary, but you couldn't have very well just bent her over and loaded her up like a shotgun, eh? No clubbing her and dragging her off by the hair. I wouldn't have given up, I think that's just the preliminary. More to follow. You will probably exchange bodily fluids.

Punch her out and snort cocaine off her chest.

It just occurred to me after reading the bit about the brouhaha with the partner and LOOMING DIVORCE that you are trying to saw-off your ring finger much as a furtive fox gnaws its leg when caught in a trap. Be careful! Who knows what your subconscious will try next!

I bet that if you try the punch-out and 'caine routine with an airport hooker, Mack Daddy will rearrange your parts.

Are you Antwan's friend, Chris?

i read metacarpals and thought marsupials. for a second afterward i wondered what kangaroos had to do with anything...


nothing at all...

I like this because you didn't ruin it by making it too long.

It is a shame that your comment section is about to be ruined by the collective boring idiocy of morticia and antwan and their hangers-on, just as the last comment section was ruined, and the one before that, and so on.

This topic made me a tad bit uncomfortable; I mean, if it were just sex, OK! but it was a little mushie and made me feel oogie.

Hey, don't be so quick to complain, I haven't had that wonderful oogie feeling towards a girl for quite some time now. And in regards to Morticia, I definitely agree with the general sentiment. Isn't there something anyone can do about it?

of sexual anxiety as portrayed by the imagined creation of weapons and tools from her bones. I like how the lyrics only fit the tune if you are sobbing. I like how the importance of Elena's question allows us to hear it even though the narrator did not. Or is it the narrator imposing his own question upon Elena?

I'm not the editor, and while I enjoy Morticia's breath of fresh air, I suppose that if she posted somewhat closer to the topic at hand, and left the name link to her site with a note indicating urgent updates, it might be ok. But I still think that she's funnier than Antwan. Oogie is OK, an ice cream soda with two straws is just fine. An awkward youthful encounter is tender and sweet, usually these days you just plow her on the desk and have done with it. Wham, bam, etc.. But so anyway, I'd give Morticia 8:5 odds with Antwan. I figure she's got enough British Bull Dog in her that she'd get him by the nards and give him what fer.

Yah, I caught that, too; but it seemed a little spookie to go there. But perhaps it is as you say, it is a bit of the primal hunt.

On the sidewalk in front, there were two sparrows. The female sparrow was crouched fluttering her wings, and the male mounted her briefly. She kept at it, so the male mounted again. Same deal yet again, but I figured that's enough to continue the species and I'm going to walk by and disturb them, so if they want to continue with it, they should go get under a bush or something and out of the middle of the damned sidewalk.

As far as Antwan goes, I like having a mortal enemy. It makes me feel important. But Morticia is spamming the comments section with her blog entries. That is bad.

Just she seems less tedious, has a larger repertory, and doesn't make me feel like a puppy dog is humping my leg.

Who called me Chris, my name isn't chris. Anyways, you should punch her out and snort CRACK off her chest...thats what antwan said today

I hope fluids are exchanged - in retrospect I surely gave up too early. But the game's not over yet

this is what the (first) "???????" originally read


(hoping it doesn't come out as ?????? again)

I second all of posthumous' comments. Even the one about Morticia. I don't like where thingsihate is going with all of these stupid people, but there have been some good submissions lately, like this one, that have kept me from giving up on all hope.

Also, it cannot be argued that Morticia and Antwan are good for thingsihate because they fuel hate, because they do not. They are just irritating, and this is not thingsthatirritateme. I hate long domain names.

ihatereallyfuckingloooongdomainnames.com

Putting me in the same class as Morticia... You should be ashamed. At least I'm spewing gallons and gallons of hate toward Zirealism. What have you hated lately?

And since Jonas and Casey are right and this poor comment section is entering a hellish existence greater than having to read no less than three zirealisms, I'd like to say that this story reminded me of the time that, as a highschooler, I boldly walked over to the Elementary side of the school in a desperate attempt to find a girlfriend.

Note: It did not end in the exchange of bodily fluids. Needless to say, Antwan was pissed.

I wish you people would shut the hell up, if you don't like the article then don't read it, or post a comment and say piss on this article. but Antwan will surly bring us some good content soon.

No wonder they think we're idiots.

More stories of the quality of you first one would be good. I should work on something, too. Some of the work here has startled me by being beyond what I expected, so I am much amused by this web space. Neither do I care to see it degenerate into a pissing contest unless there are pictcures and illustrations.

You say pissing contest like it was a bad thing. Hey don't worry, my comic will save thingsihate.org.

Unless Antwan is willing to match Morticia's latest venture into lopping-off body parts, I still think that she's out in front for all round down home entertainment value.

dO not COMPARE ME TO antwan okay? It's rude and uncalled for.

And will cost you six bucks like eveeeryone else.

Antwan only charges five bucks!

All hail the Mighty Antwan! I once masterbated to a photograph of his foot....oh god , he is so sexy!

Wait..Damn you antwan, you charged me 7 bucks.

We're completely out of things to say and we've still got at least an entire day before another article pops up. We're doomed.

KIRBY Dance! *_*)> ^(*_*)^
yea I'm out of things to say....NEED ANOTHER ARTICLE!! Has antwan sudmitted his comic yet?

I've been trolled. Now I reeeeeaaally feel important.

I am sober. It is something I will remedy immediately.
I had this boyfriend who loved to have his balls stretched. I mean reallly stretched out to an impossible length. And I loved to accomodate him. I would tie him up first, naked and helpless (that part was for me) on a stripped down waterbed, then start out slowly oiling him up with
warm baby oil. The combination of the warm rubber of the mattress and the slippery slidey baby oil would get ME pretty oiled up as well. I'd purposely avoid his groinal area at first, concentrating on his nipples and armpits and and down his arms and torso to his waist. I'd be naked and shiny with oil
with my tits hanging over his face just out of reach of his mouth, and start massaging that oil into his thighs and backs of his knees and his feet, watching as his hard penis started to bob up and down looking for some much needed attention. As I would work my way back up to his member I would start slowwly rubbing that baby oil into my tits and hot pussy, stretching my lips way out, and telling him how I am going to be doing that to his balls, playing and stretching those lips and rubbing my nipples and watching his tortured face and rockhard cock that he just_couldn't_reach himself. Finally circling in toward his shaft I would give it a slippery pull or two before getting his balls in my grip and gently tugging them up and away from his groin. Turning around on the bed so my ass and pussy were sticking in his face and stimulating myself with my vibrator gripped between my legs, I really went to work on his nuts..using my one hand to stroke his cock, I would start TWISTING those balls around with the other and PULLING the skin taut till they looked like they were barely attached to his body. He would start moaning and telling me to stop, all the while wriggling around trying to get his mouth near my driiipping pussy. He'd actually start to whimper that it was hurting too much but I could tell by how hard he was that he was really enjoying the whole humiliating degrading experience. Stretching and pulling and turning that sack purple, I would finally grab my vibrator and finish myself off while he blubbered and puled, which excited me even more. I would buck and grind against that vibrator till every last wave of orgasm was finished.
Then I would send him home, unsatisfied and unsatiated.
Okay maybe HE didn't like me twisting his nutsack like that but *I* sure as hell did.

When I was a kid I think one of my favorite possessions was a little key chain peep viewer that had a photo of a woman with her tits caught in a wringer. It's a old saying, and someone had posed a model with big honkers laced through an old fashioned laundry wringer. We kids were so hard-up for pornographic material that we'd take a Land o' Lakes Butter box and fold it so that the Indian woman's bare knees looked like boobs. Ya know, it's a good thing that SEX IS FUN! or who would do such a ridiculous thing, and we'd die off like the goofy Shakers.

Morticia, hun, "we're out of things to say" does not mean tell a more obscene story than the Bunny.

She'll getcha by the nards and give ya what fer!

Antwan, "too" only has two o's when it means "also."

And "Antwan" is spelled "Antoine."

This is a really good trick to play on your enemies and it is made
from ingredients you can find in your own home!
It is comprised of two slices of white bread, a dollop of margarine
and a plastic-wrapped slice of pseudo-cheese.
Taking great care to not tear the bread, remove it from the bread
holding container and lay it out on any flat surface of your
choosing with the rounded parts facing north assuming you are
standing directly in front of it. Taking a spreading implement of
some sort, preferably metal composite with a handle shape at one end
and blade shape at the other end, dip the blade end into the dollop
of heat-conducting toasting medium (margarine), and taking care not
to get any on the flat surface of your choosing OR the sides of your
incendiary ingredient holders, cover the holders with the
heat-conducting toasting medium right up to 5 mm from the edges.
Find a turning implement to turn your incendiary device and a round
metal pan with a handle on it, large enough to hold the device and
maneuver the turning implement. Putting the round metal pan on a
heating appliance that should be in the same room you are in but not
necessarily so, turn the appliance to medium high and stack your
incendiary device into the pan thusly:
White bread marg side down
Slice of pseudo-cheese WITH THE WRAPPER STILL ON
White bread marg side up
THIS is where it gets tricky so watch your incendiary device
carefully till the outside is a brownish tan colour and using your
turning implement flip device to the other side.
After carefully watching the device till THAT side is an even
brownish tan color, remove from the pan checking twice that you have
turned the appliance to the OFF position. Slide the incendiary
device onto a round flat shaped disc and serve to your unsuspecting
enemy. When your target takes a bite, the cheesy wrapper will slide
RIGHT OUT OF THE INCENDIARY DEVICE and stick to the target's chin
causing second degree burns!!
And that's the dish! The target will be dancing around the room
screaming in agony while you film everything for an upcoming episode
of "One Hundred Things To Do With White Bread".

In future episodes, we will cover "The Crouton Cannon"

that was more of a obsecne story than the true article. I'm bored with this article, and I want a new one.

That part about banging your knee on the table continues to crack me up, for it is so true. That crap always happens to me, like leaving a store and knowing that the cute cashier is watching me, and then I walk into a pole. There's this hott girl who works at the record store, I should ask her out for coffee--I will preempt fated disasters by walking up to her to buy the new Weird Al CD. If that doesn't put her off, we're solid. Actually, she'll probably turn out to be in high school or something. Then when I leave I bet I'll forget my CD or knock a display over.

To sum up, your article still rules.

If you're not going to make it with the suavecito routine, clowning sometimes works; sometimes the chicks like when you clown for them, chicks like it when they have that effect. It's a good way to break formality. It's cool when chicks laff in a good way when you screw-up, but when they really like you, they pretend not to notice. If they are total masochists, they'll tell you it's their fault when you screw-up. I still feel oogie.

I will stick with clowning, my only suavecito plan would be to sing "No Diggity" while making the faces Dick Valentine makes in the "Danger! High Voltage" video.

"I like the way you work here, at HMV, now bag it up (my purchase I mean)."

The pencil-line moustache reminds me of Howard Hughes, and the blinky bra seems like something he would have done. Crazy Howard lived on Portland and Vancouver for a while. I think that if you had a back-up group following you around and a blinking codpiece, it would improve your chances. I think that I might try the blinking codpiece myself.

If I had that blinking moose all my problems would be solved. Or forgotten about. Did I say blinking moose? I meant gin.

Any advice on how I can get a really hot underaged girl? (much younger than high school)

Well, one British guy that I know used to teach English to the Royal Lao family, in Vientien I believe. He regaled me with tales of getting an opium permit for two bucks which entitled him to frequent the opium shops and smoke a "leper's paw" pipe. So, when he was getting ready to leave Laos, there was a Laotian goldsmith who had fifteen children, and my friend bought a baby girl for US$300-- I think that there are 17 countries where slavery is still legal, and more countries where you can purchase a girl bride of young and tender years. In India there are working girls under 10, but they've already got a lot of miles on them. So what's the deal, Antwan? You looking for a woman that can't beat you up?

Antwan, Don't tell me your trying to get a underage girlfriend still? I thought this was over! The only underage girls you can have is on like. LolitaParadise.com thats pretty bad antwan...You've sunk to a new low.....

I had figured Antwan was younger than high school anyway. Or did he just get held back a lot?

but please, Morticia, SHUT THE FUCK UP.