Confessions of a Mouth-Breather

I first realised something was wrong with me when I heard what I remember as, but probably have internally mixed up my pop-culture references on, Elaine callously insulting one of the well meaning one-shot minor characters on Seinfeld as... [sob] a mouth-breather.

How easily I remember the almost hate crime-like insult falling from her lips. Its soul-destroying import washing over and slowly seeping into my every pore like the most degrading of Japanese mass circle jerk money shots.

Suddenly I realised, like a 4-year-old boy told angrily not to touch himself THERE by a neurotic mother ("Look, Shane! He's masturbating!"), that my choice on which particular orifice to breath both in and out from was somehow a cause for ridicule, vilification, and ostracism by the supposedly "right" breathing moral majority on their march towards the inevitable destination of intolerance and lowest common denominator mob rule.

As is always the way with these things, now that I was conscious of this personal failure of mine, there seemed to be a wave of references over the next few months to mouth-breathing on American sit-coms (to which I am particularly weak.) At best they suggested a disappointing rash of plagiarism and lack of pride festering in the sit-com scriptwriting fraternity. At worst they suggested the deeply rooted yet admittedly well known Zionist control festering in the sit-com scriptwriting community, yet with an until now unknown agenda against alternative orifice breathing communities.

With so many hot knives of accusation burning under my skin, put there by such, to me, well-respected sources (me being quite positive towards the Zionist leech sucking at the shin of the American news and entertainment industry; after all, those Jews certainly are funny guys!), my mental state was understandably one of despondence, disillusionment, and self-hate.

I tried breathing through my nose. Oh God, believe me I did! I tried in-nose/out-mouth, in-mouth/out-nose, and even in a fit of extreme mouth-breathing denial, in-nose/out-nose. But without continued and intense conscious effort, over 20 years of filthy ingrained mouth-breathing urges were impossible to suppress.

I am a mouth-breather. At the time, coming to terms with that was hard, nigh impossible. I carried the spectre of it around and added it to the array of other well-known inadequacies that I am constantly concious of.

But that was then; by finally unburdening my soul with the telling of this story, and seeing my previous thoughts in cold hard Notepad-generated text (yes
Notepad - eat my balls you holier than thou "vi" using linux motherfuckers - Windows IS easier to use!) -

- I have come to realise the futility of self-denial. So in conclusion I would like to sum up my contempt for all you self-rightous, sanctimonious breathing orifice nazis out there.

FUCK YOU NOSEBREATHERS!!!!!!!!!

Author's note:

It has come to mind that my complete inability to smell anything has something to do with the lack of air flowing inwards over my olfactory system, i.e. nosebreathing. The author assures you, the reader, that further thought into the merits of various breathing regimes is being had by the entire authorial team.