By: Annna
[2003-08-07]
Apes?
something I have needed to get off my chest for a long time now
Okay,
Planet of the Apes, the apes are humanoid. We assume this is because they have evolved, and only a tiny bit because that's what shape actors come in.
Beneath the Planet of the Apes, same world, same deal.
Escape from the Planet of the Apes, Dr. Zira and Cornelius and the other guy (I'm not looking it up) get the hell off of the
PotA and to modern day Earth, where they are promptly mistaken for test chimps.
Okay.
I see chimp-looking humanoids in clothes get out of a spaceship, I assume they're just aliens who
happen to look like chimps. God knows what aliens will look like, so anything less hideous than Lovecraftian fungus-thing gets a big smile and handshake and "welcome to my planet" from me, and even the fungus-thing gets a greeting (that involves less physical contact), on the assumptions that we look equally strange to the aliens and they probably have big laser rifles.
Anyway, Dr. Zira and Cornelius get put in a cage right next to a regular chimp (played by an actual chimp) and are still indistinguishable from it to humans. This leads me to believe that the
PotA apes are meant not to be humanoid apes but normal apes, and the fact that they are weird-looking is only due to the fact that that's the only size legs you can get on most actors.
Conquest of the Planet of the Apes, Earth is covered by apes who look basically like the ones in the first movie, but it's only been 20 years since Zira and Corny landed so they can't have grown long legs so quickly, they must be supposed to be regular apes. They're a little smarter than regular apes, but pretty dumb by human standards. However, they're able to talk a little if you just yell at them enough, which
I'm pretty sure would have been discovered by now.
Battle for the Planet of the Apes, it's been maybe 30 years since Z and C showed up, and we have fully-functional talking ape communities. But the apes look exactly the same as in the first movie, which we now know is supposed to be how apes look right now.
I ask you: what the goddamned hell is going on the monkey planet? I would reread the book to figure out ape shapes, but I think it's in Medford, if not at Goodwill.
Also, Tim Burton's version sucks for every reason that is not Tim Roth.
It bothered me the most that the apes had lost the ability to make paper airplanes. Also, I got a sort of H. G. Wells "Time Machine" feeling from the "Apes" series because the people had gone pussy-simple and back-to-nature, and the bad dark hairy critters had a lock on technology, such as it was without paper airplanes. If it was going to be a post nuclear war movie, they could have had everyone being chased around by giant horny cockroaches.
Honey, you so need to get away from those chimps/apes....
we miss you in the real world... Loves Nikki
These movies are bad and who even wants to watch them anyway? My guess is that they have all the problems you described because they suck.
Lastly, let me say that I haven't seen any of these movies.
in the tim burtin version, WHERE THE HELL DID THE GORRILAS COME FROM?!
All of the Song and Dance numbers fix the plot problems. Then the cement will get the rest.
"Oh, Monkey Lincoln. You make absolutely no sense, but you're wonderful."
I make no sense either, does that mean I'm wonderful?
I've got good news and bad news.
The bad news is that it's only 52 more hours until the next Zirealism.
The good news is that it probably won't be about monkeys.
Now I could accept you disliking Zirealism...I mean you're iconoclastic tom-foolery was enjoyable.
However if you dislike monkeys...them's fighting words.
I simply meant that Posthumous's feble mind and slippery grasp of humor could never do monkey's justice. Do you remember the Zirealism about the giant ape eating people out of a small car?
I thought that the giant monkey eating people out of a small car was an allegorical cartoon depicting the exploitation by the auto industry of the people and the environment. After all, more people get killed by poorly engineered cars and highways in a year that get killed in an average year of war, yet there aren't masses of anticar protesters yelling, "Hell no, we won't drive!" It falls under the category acceptable losses.
Make big money selling Female Chimp Appliances in your spare time!
Please refrain from talking about chimps around me. They bring back such horrible memories.....kinda like the time I went to the zoo and a monkey grabbed my nuts from my hand (no seriously , I had a bag of cashews in my hand that I bought for 4 bucks , I hate you Planters) Oh yeah , welcome back Antwan!
I thought we all agreed that it wasn't a giant ape so much as a monkey looking elder god.
Make big money selling monkey-looking elder god appliances in your spare time!
Whatever the monkey/god/abomidation of Posthumous's sick mind creature was, we can all agree that my one comic utterly destroyed Posthumous's fragile world filled with ceramic unicorns.
Mr Biscuit
I saw Meet the Feebles. I don't recall any monkeys...did I miss something important?
We here at thingsihate believe in talking about only the most important of issues facing our world today, like in-depth discusions about the insertion of monkeys into famous movies. With that in mind, I'd like to remind everyone that MONKEYS ARE NOT TO BE TRIFLED WITH THEIR POWERS ARE TOO INCREDIBLE TO WITHSTAND RUN MORTAL RUN WHILE YOU STILL POSSESS THE MEANS TOO.
Monkeys smell rilly bad! They are funky like a monkey, they got monkey funk.
They all have prehinsel tails...and there's no defeating something with a prehinsil tail.
Their lasers! The horrible optic blasts that emit out of their eyes! And their vampire powers! And their ability to summon the undead! And the daggers they can hurl from their wrists! War machines they are!
Also, who do you have to murder to get mentioned in the thingsihate news? -sniff-
But I think if you actually killed any of the regulars you'd get in the news box. Also I'm impressed Antwan...few people have done the research to know of primate necromancy.
Kill one of the... regulars? Someone who comes here often? Someone who submits often? Who writes a really terrible comic every Sunday? The very spawn of all that is evil?
On a completely unrelated topic, does anyone know where Posthumous lives?
For reasons that will come to me eventually I am not responsible for this at all.
Shush, I'm reading Posthumous's website.
This website attracts nut cases like bellybuttons attract lint.
But in a good way! I, for one, am looking forward to the next Zirealism! So there! Neener, neener!
The next Zirealism just might be the last!
I just love a sense of impending doom.
Frankly I love Zirealism but I do encourage Antwan simply because it's like watching Wylie Cyotee going after the Roadrunner.
Yay! You're like the Acme Co. of thingsihate.org!
I noticed that although Mr. Coyote's attempts were valiant, they were often too complex. And how many freaking times do you have to buy rocket powered roller skates before you give that idea a rest? Now stand back as my true glory is atained through Posthumous's corpse!
Well, often times it was a variation of the slingshot. Sometimes the old paint-a-tunnel-on-a-boulder trick. Or bird seed. Or the inflatable female roadrunner decoy.
Nobody ever remembers coyote's vain attempts to use a giant flyswat, only to be comically flattened by it himself.
But this raises the question...what if he wasn't comically flattened by it? WHAT WOULD THIS MEAN FOR THE FUTURE OF THE WORLD?
More than likely a rock would fall on him instead.
The original Planet of the Apes is FUCKING great. If you don't get anything out of it, drink your body weight in bleach then swallow some supersonic lead.
I enjoy all of them, even though the apes are evolving at supervelocities. Maybe "they" harvested eggs and sperm from Zira and Corn (good name for a rock band) and artifically incemenated many of the Great Apes. This would probably kill the mother. I know of a dachsund impregnated by a Great Dane that died giving birth. Or it could be a gaping plot whole that creates such a vacuum as to waste space on an internet site.
I still like them lots.
Rod Serling did the original screenplay from the book. The final screen play was very close to Rod's version I hear, but didn't have the corny parts; the 'human see human do' quote or the 3 monkey judges acting deaf blind and dumb weren't his ideas, for example.
Its nice to see some people still talk about this film. From what I've read, it blew peoples minds when it hit the screens; I guess they weren't accustomed to ironic endings.
Oh, and the new version left me wretched for a week. After that film and the Godzilla film, I will never watch a hollywood remake again.
No Nigs Is Good Nigs!
check out my blog Fuckers!
www.melodramatic.com/users/cunt
