By: Annna [2003-08-19]

The Cat's Ass Journals

the first installment of an irregular series

Sunday, 20th July 2003

Bought flushable litter and two very cheap plastic litterboxes. The cat is currently using a short Rubbermaid Roughneck box full of generic clumping litter - she hasn't had any trouble when I change brands, which is about every time I buy new stuff. I go by what's cheap. The box is also on top of an astroturf doormat, to catch any flying litter.

What I need to do is to toss the litter and put away the tub. Then I'll put the new box and the new litter in exactly the same place, minus the mat. That should be enough changes for one day.

But I'll do it tomorrow. Buying all the stuff is enough for tonight.

Friday, 25th July 2003

I'm not so good at the "update daily" thing. Anyway, I put the new box out Tuesday night, trash night, and the cat used it just fine. I've been moving it slowly towards the bathroom, and tonight it's almost at the edge of the kitchen. About five feet to go, plus maneuvering inside the bathroom itself.

There hasn't been much spillage. Mom had said the cat liked to kick up litter, but I haven't seen it. Maybe it's this new litter - it's pretty fine and more like powder than sand - or maybe Mom was mistaken. She did have five cats.

My plan is now to move the box into the bathroom, then under the sink. There it'll be right next to the toilet yet fairly out of the way. That's when I'll start cutting the sides down and reducing the amount of litter. When it's shallow and only has an inch or so of litter, I'll put it on top of the toilet bowl. Once she's going up there, everything's great.

Everyone thinks this won't work. Matie and Pop think the cat is stupid, but Mom and I disagree. Mom points out that the cat would always come and get someone when she knocked something over, meowing until the human fixed it. The problem was that she is deaf, nearly from birth, and often doesn't notice that she's knocked over small things. The deafness is also why I tend to refer to her as "the cat" - we only have one cat and it's not like she recognizes her name. (It's Jessie.)

I've noticed that she calls my attention to problems like empty food and water by yowling at the dish, then walking over to me, yowling, then walking back to the dish. Usually I've gotten up by then and come closer, so she walks a shorter distance every time until I'm standing right by the problem. She's done this for empty food and water, a full litterbox, a pile of knocked-over magazines and, most endearingly, once when I was up entirely too late she attempted to herd me into bed.

So in conclusion, Jessie does make amazingly loud and horrible noises, as well as knock small objects over without noticing, but those are just the lovable quirks of a deaf cat. She's fairly intelligent, as far as cats go.

And pretty soon she'll use the toilet.

Thursday, 31st July 2003

Nothing of note. Litterbox is now inside the bathroom, under the sink. I had a few scares, worried that the cat had gotten outside or stopped peeing, but as it turns out she has a new hot weather routine. In the back of my closet is a hole in the wall, covered loosely with a board. Behind it lies the awe and mystery of a whole bunch of cold water pipes, where the cat sleeps from about eleven AM until the sun goes down. It seems to work out for her, other than the time I looked for her frantically for half an hour and in the process moved a box of shoes in front of the hole, blocking her in. (That was before I knew she was in there.)

Tonight, after I study for my final and do some other things, I'll clean the box out again. I guess it's about time to cut off the rim. A search online turned up dozens of slightly different ways to get a cat to use the toilet, but one good idea I gleaned was putting the litterbox on top of a phonebook before it goes on top of the toilet. That might be worth a go. I still need to reduce the amount of litter and cut down the sides, though, so that's a while off.

Monday, 4th August 2003

It's still in the bathroom, under the sink, rim cut off. I really didn't do much other than slowly lower the litter level. I was busy, until last night.

I have purchased some heavy-duty tinfoil roasting pans with plans to eventually jam them in the toilet.

I came to the realization that the cat would not be able to jump into a box on the toilet, no matter how shallow, without upsetting it, especially if there wasn't much litter. I also don't think she'd like to. So I deformed one of the roasting pans to fit in the toilet, and am about to replace her litter box with one of the unmodified pans. Once has used the regular pan for a few days, I will put the deformed one in the toilet and show her where it is. I think I'd better put a box near the toilet so she has a step, but I think that after physically putting her in the toilet-mounted pan she will figure it out. I hope.

Like I said, I bought the heavy-duty kind. They say they can take a 25-pound bird. I think the cat is about 10 or 12 pounds, so that should be okay, I guess. I also had to mold the pan a bit to fit it in the toilet, so it has a lot more lip than before. It should work.

Tonight: putting the regular pan out.

Tuesday, 5th August 2003

I feel awful. The cat was doing okay with about an inch and a half of litter in a disposable metal roasting pan, so I decided to push ahead and nestle it in the toilet. I put the same litter in and put a stepstool next to the toilet, so the cat could climb rather than making a blind jump. She didn't really go into the bathroom at all, so about noon I picked her up and showed her everything - put her on the stool, then put her in the pan in the toilet and moved her paws to dig. She peed a little and then jumped down. I was very self-congratulatory and even called Mom and Pop to brag. Such hubris was swiftly rewarded.

I went off to run some errands. Coming back, no mess in the litter. I picked her up and showed her the litterbox again several times, no results. Went about my life. She was still drinking and seemed okay, but about four PM she started meowing. I checked everything, then put her in the toilet pan. She leapt out. Time passed, until at nine PM I realized she hadn't peed in nine hours. Yikes. I took the deformed pan out of the toilet and set it down on the floor. The bottom was a little convex now from being shaped into the toilet, so it wobbled a bit as the cat ran over to it and took an enormous leak.

That poor noble creature. She held it for over eight hours rather than poop or pee on the floor and hardly complained at all. I really wish Matie didn't hate her so much - every time she has meowed so loudly and disturbingly, she has had an actual reason. God, I feel awful for doing that to the cat. I guess I'll leave the deformed pan out on the floor tonight and tomorrow daytime, then put it in the toilet as I'm going to bed. If she gets used to peeing in something so wobbly, she might be more ready to pee in it when it's in the toilet. She can have leisure time to figure it out while I'm in bed, then I'll put it back on the floor when I get up and she can pee again, if she couldn't figure it out overnight.

I bought a smaller litter scoop, since now I'm dealing with more frequent cleaning and smaller amounts of litter. It's metal and on a long handle, basically a curved spatula. It's nice. I also bought a bucket to put next to the toilet for her to use as a step, but it's a little smaller than I'd like. I thought the stepstool was fine, but Matie had trouble with it. I would think that I, as the taller, fatter and clumsier of us, would be the barometer of toilet accessibility, but that is not the case. I also need to sweep the bathroom - Matie is complaining of litter in her feet after a shower. I wear slippers after a shower for just this reason, but I won't push my luck. Matie hates the cat and most things that have to do with her, so it's a miracle she's putting up with having a litterbox in the toilet at all.

She keeps suggesting killing the cat and getting a new one, but I think she's kidding.



Find out more with:

[2003-08-19 00:55:00] twins
We have the problem in our house (when I'm at home) where everyone always needs to use the toilet at once. God help us if it were in the bathroom and someone were in the shower. With five in one house, we were meant to have an ensuite in my mother's room, so we could have 2 toilets, but although out house was built by my father almost 30 years ago, some parts remain unfinished. So what is supposed to be a second bathroom is now just a room with no walls and nothing but the frame of the house with that papery stuff....we keep junk in it. Recently my father tried to finish it but succeeded only in adding tiles to the floor....
We have 3 cats, and if we were to teach them how to use the toilet, well, we really can't afford to have that many people wanting to use the toilet all at once.....
EVE GOES OUTSIDE
wow. [2003-08-19 02:12:00] Virgil Phutzenrueter
This is the coolest thingsihate topic EV4R! I've always wanted to try this with a cat.

I'm pretty sure I saw an infomercial about this once, decades ago. Some company was selling disposable litter containers that fit inside a standard toilet bowl for exactly this purpose. Lots of shots of cats using a toilet like a human would, with much the same expressions. I think they even had some sort of solution for "the flush problem," although I don't remember what it was. I wonder if that company is still around.

I've been reading you ever since you were in high school and posting to USENET. We could do with a little context now and again! So it sounds like you're living with your sister? Is that a new development?
[2003-08-19 04:21:00] another timmy
I'm thrilled to read all this about the cat. It's making the day brighter already. Thank you!
[2003-08-19 04:38:00] The Cheat
What's a Cat?
Fresh Catnip [2003-08-19 06:37:00] Hieronymous Biscuit
Cats like fresh catnip a lot. I've gotten containers of catnip that the cats like, and they even eat some of it from a saucer. The catnip in a pint container seems to get a bit stale and lose some effect before the cats eat all of it, so the next thing is to get some catnip seeds and try growing it.
Bast [2003-08-19 07:04:00] Hieronymous Biscuit
The Egypt guys liked cats a lot; and when a family cat died, they'd shave their eyebrows. Not the cat's, their own.
Not in the horse [2003-08-19 08:24:00] Hieronymous Biscuit
At least the cat's not sleeping in the horse anymore.
neko! [2003-08-19 10:09:00] minna
my cat hated fresh catnip (maybe because it grew right next to the chives and sage). she liked young rasberry canes though, and always managed to kill them before they got big enough to get berries the next year. eventually the catnip took over the garden, exept for what was filled with weeds and garlic. my dad tried to kill it with weedkiller, but it kept coming back. evil, evil stuff.
Well, then [2003-08-19 10:21:00] Hieronymous Biscuit
Well, then I won't waste my time trying to grow catnip.
A mean trick [2003-08-19 11:39:00] Hieronymous Biscuit
It would be a mean trick if Jessie got used to jumping up to the pan in the toilet but the pan were gone. That seems like a critical step in the training process. One cat that I had liked to crap in the bath tub.
[2003-08-19 13:48:00] Dedas
To my astonishment my cat once used the toilet without me even training him first, it was a shame he tried to open the window to clean out the air before he was leaving though; he fell out the poor bastard! Well, he landed alright, on all four I think, too bad it was rushour just then and we happened to live on the 24th floor. That cat was too smart for his own good I tell ya...
After the sad window accident the cat recovered quickly and could now use the inbox on our front door as his own door, he also did the "pretending to be doormat" trick to get sweets from us. But he never used the toilet again though...
Did someone kill antwan! [2003-08-19 14:09:00] The Cheat
Where is Antwan!!! Why hasn't he posted...I told him today that thingsihate updated! ON NO...Who did this..You'll feel wraith!
Wraith? [2003-08-19 14:29:00] devojane
no feel wraith. wraith insubstantial. wraith "wraithlike", even.
Mingus [2003-08-19 14:34:00] devojane
have you read legendary jazz bassist Charles Mingus' writings on the cat/toilet training subject? he uses pretty much the same method, except he's CHARLES FRIGGIN MINGUS!!
"The Mingus Cat Training Program"
http://www.mingusmingusmingus.com/ownwords/catcatalog.html
Question? [2003-08-19 17:26:00] laconic
Why do I not have a fan club? Why does no one mourn my passing? Do I not have enough hate for other thingsihate members? Should I trudge up my short-lived and ill-advised fued with Biscuit that was really more of a misunderstanding?
Fan Club. [2003-08-19 17:58:00] Antwan
Sorry Laconic, we can't all be international superstars.

Also, does anyone know what a neko is? It's a half-cat, half girl creature. I'm sure that a neko would use the toilet. I wish I had a neko...
NO NEKO! [2003-08-19 19:12:00] The Cheat
You do not have a fanclub, cause your not a internet celebrity like antwan. Antwan in a few years, will be the next maddox or seanbaby. ***KILL THE NEKOS***
Feel the Wraith of Kahn! [2003-08-19 21:52:00] Hieronymous Biscuit
That would be scary!
FILTH [2003-08-20 00:53:00] twins
I thought neko was just the japanese word for cat. Sure, it's also what animephiles call half-girl half-cat people, which doesn't really show that much imagination, and it's also what some animephiles call themselves because they think that it shows they are with the In crowd of animefans and japanophiles.....
Damn their scaly hides.
[2003-08-20 04:05:00] Nakoruru
For $10,000 , I am willing to dress up in a neko costume and perform unusual tasks for people and total psychos all over the world , like coughing up hair balls and scratching and biting the shit out of people that get too near. And , as an excusive bonus : Cat-scratch fever! (You are responsible for the caring and well-being of your pet , this means transportation also. Cough up the money , furball.)
really? [2003-08-20 10:27:00] laconic
I'd think of Antwan as the next "all your base..."
baka [2003-08-20 11:23:00] minna
neko is japanese for cat. generally when refering to one of those fetish-tastic catgirls it's whatever their name is, with neko stuck on the end. like... Yuki-neko
Well... [2003-08-20 18:10:00] Antwan
At least I'll get my name on a couple of restaurants... POSTHUMOUS SUPPORTER!
I thought we covered this... [2003-08-20 19:02:00] laconic
I don't support anybody, I'm the calm zen center of the universee.
have a nice war [2003-08-20 20:00:00] posthumous
I also refuse to take sides.
Mingus [2003-08-20 20:17:00] Hieronymous Biscuit
I liked the "Mingus Method." But as Mingus was a bass player, it makes one wonder what happened to the cats that proved untrainable. I will have a cat named Mingus sometime.
Nekos. [2003-08-20 20:36:00] Antwan
Everyone seems to be down on Nekos. I really want a neko... I just might write an article about them.

And, posthumous HAS to take a side since he's a general.
The General [2003-08-20 22:17:00] Hieronymous Biscuit
What should he do with his privates?
Gritty Kitty [2003-08-20 22:57:00] Grimwolf
It's the freakiest thing to meet someone who has a potty trained cat. I had a girlfriend for a short time and the first night I went to her place I go to use the bathroom and there is the cat sitting there, with yes, that same look people use (as previously mentioned). The cat looking at you like you interupted something (which you have) and you looking at the cat like it has no business being there (which I didn't think it did at first.) The other crucial step in acknowledging this whole bizarre and unsettling process is that I am an uncommon in the male community in that I actually put down the lid (yes, both of them) when done... this does a LOT to upset the cat. They require the lid to be open of course... a fact that my new girlfriend appraised me of in near hysterics when she went to encourage the cat's evening routine. So note: Women appreciate the lid down, cats (this one being female as well) appreciate the lid up like most heathen men. Thus the formualic logic would state that all potty-trained cats are male humans. My brain hurts.
Lid up/down [2003-08-21 00:26:00] Annna
I say everyone must fend for themselves in this world.

Our cat has poor balance, possibly connected to the deafness. If necessary, I will post a small, tasteful sign over the toilet advising people in what state they must leave it for the cat's access.
lid vs. seat [2003-08-21 08:01:00] posthumous
Women don't want the lid down. They want the seat down. And there is a very practical reason for this. A toilet with the seat up looks suspiciously similar to a toilet with the seat down when you are rushing to sit on it. But sitting on a toilet with the seat up is a singularly unpleasant experience.
Le Chat's dairy-air [2003-08-27 17:19:00] Andrewsarchus
I almost trained my cat to use the toilet, but I never got around to it. He's a bastard, and I named him Camel.
All content copyright original authors; contact them for reprint permission.