By: Jake Fender [2003-08-26]

Fuck You Because I'm in Pain

I don't even have clothes


yikes



The terrible thing about fathers with sons who have been unceremoniously jettisoned from Government service is that they try to make those sons look forward to their homecoming. Paternal eyes glint with some kind of malignant light that pumps up the young man, tales of free housing, food and women delight the imagination and tickle the sensibilities of an otherwise healthy and coherent young man.

"Yes, yes, the cute girl you knew in high school has been asking about you. She's gorgeous, and I bet she pines for you every day, young man. Come home and this bounty could be yours! You could both work at the hardware store and deliver your children there and name them after belt sanders and rotary saws!"

Little Beltina Sander and Rotarian Saw Jr. Thanks dad!

"I could build you a little house just off of the big plush house you helped build and wire with your own two hands. A kitchen, a bathroom, and a bed all your own! I could even run a phone line and heat out to it! It would be grand, sitting on the porch together, Beltina sanding the patio while I carefully balanced Rotarian on my knee! Nothing is too good for my boy!"

These are the dreams that a young man with all of his worldly possessions lost between hell and breakfast has to lean on. AND THEY ALL COME CRASHING DOWN. Beltina and Rotarian, never to be because the cute girl from high school introduces you to her husband and their son ROLAND. Guess what Roland? You killed my little girl! Fuck you!

And the little house? Oh, the little house, that's right! Yeah, it's going to be storage, and maybe a Murphy bed that folds out of the closet? Boy, am I glad I threw away three years of hard work to live like a bum on your floor. Please don't step on my glasses; they're Government Issue and very fragile.

Tense? I'm not tense. I have no job skills, I have no money; I don't even have clothes because an ink pen doesn't go so well in the wash with the colored clothes. I'm not tense; I'm fucking panicked.

Hooray for prescription anti-depressants! Hooray for multi colored lights and singing bartenders. Thanks for the help, guys! What I really appreciate is all the unsolicited help I get from people I don't even know. Hey, lick my balls, you uninformed assholes, I KNOW what MY limit is! Hey, and FUCK Roland!
[2003-08-26 00:28:00] twins
Fuck him right in the ear. I would enter the fanfic contest, but....sigh, I have work to do....much work
Ah! [2003-08-26 08:56:00] Hieronymous Biscuit
I shall name my next daughter Makita.
All that comes to mind [2003-08-26 10:57:00] Laconic
is dear god won't somebody think of the children.

by the way my computer's all wonky here at college so my fan-fic will probably get turned in last minute-ish. And my next non-angsty submission has been pushed back indefinately, please try not to weep too openly.
hmmm [2003-08-26 11:03:00] The Cheat
I actually like this. Atleast it's "hate" Speaking of Fan Fiction, only 3 days left. I wonder if I'll get to the point of it actually getting posted..hmmm. I hate Roland too!
Roland [2003-08-26 11:13:00] Hieronymous Biscuit
I like his song.
? [2003-08-26 13:02:00] The Cheat
Where has Antwan been? I know he would have said something about this!!! Roland, His song?
Yeah [2003-08-26 13:26:00] Hieronymous Biscuit
Yeah, The Song of Roland
my apologies [2003-08-26 13:42:00] posthumous
HB,

I'm sorry that you have to explain all your jokes.
Jude [2003-08-26 13:53:00] Hieronymous Biscuit
Maybe I'm too obscure.
Jokes. [2003-08-26 14:44:00] Antwan
Maybe if you people would tell some FUNNY jokes once in a while... And yes, I LOVED this story! I laughed, I cried, I ejaculated in my pants at the mention of a little girl. I love Hate Week!
Ha! [2003-08-26 15:05:00] Hieronymous Biscuit
Ha! I love Hate Week so much that I pulled my panties up my butt-crack and pranced around the room on my tippy-toes!
'Go-Cat'? No, cat... [2003-08-26 17:36:00] Vicarious
Hate Roland all you want, he does make some nice synths and keyboards.

There's nothing funny about razorblades. Especially as this morning, I was trimming the hair on my phiz, when the cat startled me, causing a most grievous slice to appear on my chin. Some might blame the cat. I blame Gillette.

The excitement of Hate Week surges!
don't make it bad [2003-08-26 17:37:00] posthumous
don't carry the world on your shoulders
if you're good. [2003-08-26 18:17:00] Antwan
I can't wait for day 3 of Hate Week! What will we hate tommorrow? Hating Roland is great and everything, but it's time we focused on bigger game. Like Posthumous. Fanfictions get here soon!
Speaking of butter. [2003-08-26 19:11:00] The Cheat
Let's place bets on tomarrows article! Funny/stupid/Antwan/not funny/scary/look a cat! I bet on "look a cat"
Well... [2003-08-26 19:22:00] Antwan
I'm hoping that Annna forgives me and posts my article "Reasons why I'm better than you".
who, what, when, where, & How [2003-08-26 20:18:00] The Cheat
I've never heard of that article, is that your fan-fiction?
I think the only good oponents could be HB,Laconic, and Posty dude. So one of us might have a chance at winning this thing!
Okay, but... [2003-08-26 21:40:00] Antwan
What exactly are "Preserves" anyway?
Preserve/Conserve [2003-08-26 23:28:00] Hieronymous Biscuit
Fruit cooked with sugar to protect against decay or fermentation.
To preserve (fruits) with sugar.
A jam made of fruits stewed in sugar.
[Middle English conserven, from Old French conserver, from Latin cnservre : com-, intensive pref. ; see com- + servre, to preserve; see ser-1 in Indo-European roots.]
hairy bicuit is gay [2003-09-28 08:59:00] michael harrison
hieronoumous biscuit is gay.....and he is a hairy biscuit
t fuck to [2004-02-03 08:15:00] ben laden
t fuck en sti to , le cave
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