The Submission

It was a pleasant autumn afternoon when jonas walked into the thingsihate offices and presented editor Jim with a thin manila envelope.

"Hi staniel," jonas said, standing in front of Jim's desk.

"Good afternoon, jonas," Jim replied, looking up from his work. "You can just call me Jim, you know."

"This is taking place about two years ago, I will call you fucking staniel."

"Uh," Jim paused. "Okay."

"So anyway," jonas continued, "I have this submission for you guys. I think it's really good, and I hope you'll be able to use it."

"Well Sean's in Germany with his theatre troupe, and Annna's asleep right now, but I'll take a look at it--we can probably have it posted by the end of this week."

Excited, jonas handed Jim the envelope. Jim took it, pulled the sheets of paper out, and leaned back in his plush leather chair to read.

This is what Jim read:


EXT. RIVENDELL - THE LAST HOMELY HOUSE - DAY

The hall of Elrond's house, where at a table Frodo, Gandalf, Aragorn, Boromir, Legolas, Gimli, and other Elves, Dwarves, and Men are sitting.

A door opens and Elrond Halfelven enters.

Elrond sits down across from Frodo. A thick folio thumps down on the table between them.

Frodo glances at the Elvish script across the folio's cover: "Baggins, Frodo."

ELROND
As you can see, we've had our eye
on you for some time now, Mr.
Baggins.

He opens the folio. The shuffling of old parchment and vellum marks the silence as he flips several pages. Frodo cannot tell if the ancient Elf-lord is looking at the folio or at him.

ELROND
It seems that you have been living
two lives. In one life, you are
Frodo Baggins, a respectable
resident of Crickhollow. You go for
walks, eat plenty of food and help
your friend with his gardening.

The pages continue to turn.

ELROND
The other life is lived on the road
where you go by the traveling alias
Underhill, and are carrying the fate
of all the Free Peoples of Middle-
Earth in your pocket.

Frodo feels himself sinking.

ELROND
One of these lives has a future.
The other does not.

He closes the folio.

ELROND
I'm going to be as forthcoming as
I can be, Mr. Baggins. You are
here because we need your help.
We know that you are being sought
after by two individuals. The
first is the Enemy, who is called
Sauron. The other is the wizard
Saruman. Whatever you think you
know about Saruman is irrelevant
to the fact that he is considered
by many of the wise to be the most
dangerous man alive.

He leans closer.

ELROND
My kindred believe that I am
wasting my time with you, but I
believe you want to do the right
thing. It is obvious that you are
an intelligent hobbit, Mr. Baggins,
and that you must see that the Ring
did not come to you without reason.

Frodo tries to match his stare.

ELROND
The Ring was made in the fires of
Mount Doom. Only there can it be
unmade. It must be taken deep into
Mordor and cast back into the fiery
chasm from whence it came. You must
do this.

Frodo nods to himself.

FRODO
Yeah. Wow. That sounds like a
real good deal. But I think I
have a better one. How about I
give you the finger --

He does.

FRODO
And you give me my phone call.



When he finished reading, Jim got out of his chair, walked around to the front of his desk, and leaned against it, tactfully explaining: "You know, we really don't accept fan fiction here, the only exception having been Lou Duchez's 'Undersea Nightmare' stories -- and those were posted more out of belated respect since he's dead. thingsihate has a particular appeal, and while your submission is good, I'm afraid neither I nor the editors can make an exception for you. After all, there are a thousand other sites out there where you can post fanfic, or slash fiction." Jim looked at jonas and hoped he understood.

jonas minced no words in his reply: "I got your slash fiction right here, motherfucker!" And in one swift motion perfected by the samurai of feudal Japan, jonas whipped his three-foot-long, razor-sharp cock out of his pants, and sliced Jim from throat to groin (though their dicks did not touch). And so thingsihate enjoyed a time of peace and justice, until Annna met Robert Englund, and Sean was arrested on-stage, midway through his first performance as Humbert Humbert.