Antwan's Army

May 24 2007: I sit here in my bunker knowing that the end is near. It began on a day like any other. Despite his bravado, President Bush was still unable to capture the elusive Knifekitten.

Antwan still seemed innocent back then. He started, as The Cheat predicted, as a harmless Internet fad. After ostensibly killing Posthumous Antwan made the news-post and from there he spread. People would walk around saying, "That's so Antwan" or "This is the most Antwan day ever." Eventually he used his fame and fortune to buy a small island nation. You know, like Dr. Doom.

It should have been obvious to me - to all of us - that Antwan would choose this moment to strike, when American forces were spread around the globe chasing the kitten made of knives. Through methods still unclear to me Antwan summoned an unholy army and spread across the planet. At first none of the Thingsihate regulars reacted. Annna and Matie were too busy arguing whether the army was more of an Evil Dead zombie kind of evil or a Lovecraft Elder God kind of evil. Biscuit showed an almost unearthly zeal in his hatred for Antwan... but unfortunately he was easily distracted and soon fell to Antwan's hordes.

Ironically, the first real hope came from Morticia. Antwan himself was too powerful to attack alone; her only hope was to attack the armies Antwan's second in command. Using her spooky powers Morticia defeated The Cheat and turned his forces against Antwan himself. Her help, however, soon proved to be a double-edged sword as she proved herself as ruthless a ruler as Antwan.

Still, the new war between Antwan and Morticia gave the rest of Thingsihate a chance to form a real resistance. After realizing that Antwan's army was actually Lovecraftian elder gods controlling zombie-like puppet demons Annna and Matie reconciled and with the help of Pops began making subversive buttons like "Let the bunny be, Antwan." And "Please stop taking over the world Antwan." Though Antwan had killed many of his robot clones, the true Posthumous in his secret hideout began producing biting political cartoons against Antwan - which, unfortunately, no one understood.

It was at this time the forces of earth mounted one last offensive against the Elder God/Zombie army and attacked the very heart of Antwan's army. I regret to this day not being there - I was too much of a coward to fight, I thought my place was here, in the bunker. But now I wish I'd died there with the rest of them.

The devastated army that returned told me the story: Right as they reached Antwan's castle there appeared a new force. At first they didn't understand that Mortica's army was attacking them and by the time they began to fight back it was too late. It seemed the dark powers that Antwan and Morticia had attempted to control had warped their minds; they were now such hollow shells of their former selves that they were working together. The human armies of earth are now so weak that I fear we will never be able to challenge Antwan/Morticia's brutal rule.

Wait... What's there on the horizon? My God, the rumors were true - he does still live! Perhaps with his help there is hope, maybe in this darkest hour humanity can live on. Live on with the help...



...of Knifekitten!