Abolish Antwan Now!

Editors: Please cite Abraham Lincoln as the author of this piece. He would be greatly displeased were I to take credit for his hard wrought stance on the issue of Antwanery. Thank you. - Jake Fender



Esteemed gentlemen and ladies of The Organization of Objects I Find Strenuously Displeasing,

In compliance with a custom as old as the Organization itself, I appear before you to address you briefly, and to take, in your presence, the gift of preserves that has been so generously offered forth from the Editors of this web-site. In doing this there needs to be no bloodshed or violence; and there shall be none, unless it be forced upon the editorial authority. The power confided to me will be used to hold, occupy, and possess the property but beyond what may be necessary for these objects to be opened and spread liberally over lightly toasted rye bread, there will be no invasion, no using of force against or among the people anywhere.

Before entering upon so grave a matter as the destruction of our editorial fabric, with all its benefits, its memories, and its hopes, would it not be wise to ascertain precisely why we do it? Will you hazard so desperate a step, while there is any possibility that any portion of the ills you fly from bear no evil threat? Will you, while the certain ills you fly to, are greater than all the supposed ones you fly from? Will you risk the commission of so fearful a mistake as to let Antwan Hearts and his miscreants destroy the legacy of our Organization?

That there are persons in one context or another who seek to destroy the Union at all events, and are glad of any pretext to do it, I will not deny; and as such, I need address no word to them. To those, however, who really love the Union may I not speak?

All profess to be content in the Union, if all of the Guidelines can be maintained. Is it true, then, that any right, plainly written in the Guidelines, has been denied when idiots are denied the chance to sully greatness? I think not. Happily the human mind is so constituted, that no party can reach the audacity of finding the antics of Antwan Hearts bearable. Think, if you can, of a single instance in which a plainly written sentence written by Mr. Hearts has ever been coherent enough to merit a serious reply. If by the mere force of the number of times he has stated his sub-human opinion, a minor figure should deprive a majority of any pleasure taken from a duly submitted article, it might, in a moral point of view, justify revolution -- certainly would, if such a right to pleasure were a vital one. And such is the case now. All the vital rights of Mr. Hearts and his foul progeny, are so plainly assured to them, by affirmations and negotiations, by editors tired of dealing with the constant mewling whine, that controversies never arise concerning them.

However, I would save this Union. I would save it the shortest way under the Guidelines set forth by our Fore-editors. The sooner the Organizational integrity can be restored; the nearer the Union will be "the Union as it was." If there be those who would not save the Union, unless they could at the same time save Mr. Hearts, I do not agree with them. If there be those who would not save the Union unless they could at the same time destroy Mr. Hearts, then so be it. If the destruction of Antwan Hearts and the terrible subversion he espouses will save the Union, then I am for it. My paramount object in this struggle is to save the Union, and is not to save slavery to the mind-numbing tirades of Mr. Hearts and his cronies. What I would have you do about Mr. Hearts, and his semi-retarded side-kicks, I would have you do because I believe it helps to save the Union; and what I would have you forbear, I would have you forbear because I do not believe it would help to save the Union. I shall urge you to do less whenever I shall believe what is being done hurts the cause, and I shall urge you to do more whenever I shall believe what is being done will help the cause.

I have here stated my purpose according to my view of official duty; and I intend no modification of my oft-expressed personal wish that all men everywhere could be free of Antwan Hearts.

Sincerely,
A. Lincoln