Movie Reviews, No Adjectives

I was momentarily confused, I guess, and thought we were McSweeney's.

The challenge was to write a movie review without adjectives, the longest one winning. Only three people entered, which would have made me sad if they hadn't been the best contest entries I've ever seen.

I was also worried that the best one wouldn't be the longest, making me regret my sole criterion, but I was also astounded to find each one funnier than the last. Here they are, in ascending order.

3rd Place, Antwan Hearts (126 words):

First off, let me get one thing straight. I love the Powerpuff Girls. The only girl better than the Powerpuff Girls, is Sasami from Tenchi Muyo. Oh, Sasami, in death we will be together...
Anyway, I'm not going to win any skulls by talking about Sasami. The Powerpuff Girls' movie is about girls born from sugar, spice, and bestiality who accidentally have gunk spilled all over them. They quickly gain powers like lasers and flight and run around saving the city. However, the city shuns them because of that. This could be a message about our society like that time that we killed Jesus and he just wanted to sell us some cookies.
The Powerpuff Girls' movie is... uhhh... it's... goo... ba... uhhh... crap....I liked it?

2nd Place, Posthumous (154 words):

She is a vampire. She kills werewolves. They are having a war with each other. Who cares? Neither species gives a shit about humans, except this one guy. The werewolves want him. The more you get to know him, the less you understand why. The guy has no energy. He sucks it off the screen. Blah.

But Kate Beckinsale. Well, damn. She does her ballet of death and it's game over for the furries. This woman needs to keep making movies. She is the only life in this movie. Okay, well, Viktor the Vampire, too.

The dialogue will amaze you. You will wonder how anyone could have written such drivel. The vampires are Brits, of course. The werewolves are Americans. When you're a Wolf, you're a Wolf all the way! You pretty much expect the twists in the plot. But Kate is covered in leather, kicking ass. Worth the price of admission? You decide.

Finally, for a plastic monkey skull, the winner, Mobiustrip (572):

This is a movie about Kate Beckinsale's ass. Kate Beckinsale's ass is covered in latex. This is how films are made in Hollywood today. Films have acting, and films have explosions; this has some of both, but mostly it has Kate Beckinsale's ass wrapped in latex. The latex combined with a corset forces her ass into the shape of a heart. This is, in my opinion, the "heart" of today's theater. (Ha ha)

The story of Underworld is the story of a vampire (Beckinsale) and a werewolf (Scott Speedman) who fall in love. The vampires and the werewolves are at war and do not like this. Any more information about the plot will spoil the surprise for you, the viewer of this film. Needless to say, the plot twists and turns in many directions before righting itself, in the manner of a kayaker who has been swamped by a wave (no, the metaphor does not fit with the film, I just like to kayak.)

There are many things that work in this film. The lighting and the makeup work together to make everyone look like Goths, for as history and Vampire LARPers tell us, all vampires and werewolves look like Goths. In addition, Kate Beckinsale's character has the power to jump off of buildings without breaking her legs. The wirework makes it look like she is landing the way someone who can jump off buildings without breaking their legs should. The CGI makes the werewolves transform the way werewolves should. The interaction between the two lovers fits the personalities attributed to them without being overly "Smooch-smooch-I love you-I love you-I'll never let go." The movie also communicates to the viewer without having to beat him over the head with a two-by-four. All in all it left me feeling that I had not wasted my money.

There are a few things that do not work. Shane Brolly, who plays the character Kraven, also plays in the daytime WB show "Mutant X." This should give you some idea about his abilities as an actor. It is because of him that I take the risk of quantifying the acting in this film at the beginning of this review as "some", as I do not know if it is an adjective or a pronoun in that case. As it is, his acting subtracts from the acting in the film as a whole. Think Hayden Christiansen in "Attack of the Clones." He will hurt you the way my summer camp counselor hurt me, only without the candy or the trial or "show the judge what the dollies do together." Also, the ending did not happen the way it should have, as it did not involve Marilyn Manson dying. All movies full of Goths should have Marilyn Manson dying at the end or a Rob Zombie concert, take your pick. (The last is not a movie reference, just something I would like to see in a film.)

But, back to Kate Beckinsale's ass. It makes tears come to my eyes. It makes me wish I were a gay, even though I know I am not. (I do not own even one Ani DeFranco album, plus I love penises.) It makes me want to do a screen capture of a bootleg of the film, blow up the picture and get it tattooed over my own ass so I can look at it in the mirror every day and say "Damn!"

...

Thank you Antwan, Posthumous and Mobiustrip. You've made us all very happy. Everyone else, please keep an eye peeled for further contests in the monkey skull series. The next one will not involve grammar trickery, as I have learned that the only thing harder than seeing adjectives is to stop seeing them, everywhere you look, in the corners, in food. Thanks to Pop for the tip not to strike through adjectival nouns.