How the World Changed after September 11th

Before I even get started dissecting this poor writing assignment, I would like to take a paragraph (Most notably, my opening paragraph) to be blunt. The world HAS NOT changed since September 11th. Maybe your definition of "the world" is different than mine. I thought that the world meant "the entire Earth." In order to do research for this paper, I hopped a plane to Switzerland and asked the nice people there how their lives have changed. It was so strange. They said "What is a "September 11th?" Of course, they were talking Swedenese or whatever Swedish people speak. Germany was basically the same story and not even Guatemala had changed any. Well then, I guess the world really hasn't changed then. But wait! I still have about two hundred words to go. You might be asking yourself at this point "Now that you've systematically proved that this topic makes no sense, what are you going to write about Antwan?" After much deliberation, I've decided to write about how America changed and, if I have time, how that country that we blew up changed.

Do you remember how life was before September 11th? When we didn't have to put "Never Forget" after that date? When there wasn't several thousand Country Music songs about it? When you could walk down the street without seeing an American flag bumper sticker on every car or turn on the T.V. without patriotic garbage shoved down your throat? Do you remember how parents used to have better things to do than duct tape their entire house like complaining that Nintendo caused kids to want to kill? Do you remember when T.V. psychics had better things to do than say that they saw all of this coming on September 10th? Are these the legendary "changes" that America has gone through? Exactly which part of these "changes" is going to save me from being blown up by terrorism? I've never seen a bumper sticker dramatically take a bullet for someone.

September 11th (Never forget!) showed a time in human history, even darker than those three months that we made Jeff Foxworthy popular. Not because a bunch of people died; people die all the time. Between getting hit by drunk drivers, soccer riots and Hostess Fruit Pies, I don't see how humanity hasn't wiped itself out by now. It's not because a building fell down either. I don't remember crying red, white, and blue tears when they tore down my old school building for renovations. So why is this an even darker time than a man whose popularity consisted entirely of hillbilly jokes? Let me put this into a clever metaphor: "We shot first, then asked questions, then shot again, then dropped a whole bunch of bombs." Before I could even come up with a clever cartoon about Koreans or the Japanese or whoever shot at us, we were already dropping bombs. Then there was a lot of talk about duct taping our homes and what color of terrorism we were fighting. (Apparently, red meant "a lot" and blue meant "not much" which sounds really racist to the citizens of Mars if you ask me). Then we shot them again. Then we dropped some bombs and the war was over before I could even make a sassy joke about it.

So now you know how America changed. We went from the really popular kid in school who gets all the girls, to the nervous wreck that inspects his stool for blood. How did the country that we blew up change though? Well... they went from the nervous wreck who checks his stool for blood to the really dead kid who checks his stool for blood. Then we decided to give them a new government to look like the good guys, but that government is going to have a really hard time presiding over zombies. Have you ever tried to tax a zombie? It's not easy.

Okay, enough about other countries. I hear that every other country on Earth isn't as great as America, therefore, even talking about another country in this paper could be terrorism. Let's get back on topic. "How has the world changed since September 11th (NEVER FORGET!)" Well, I could write about how the oceans dried up or how it started raining frogs or how the Earth shifted forty miles closer to the sun. Oh wait, that didn't happen! I know that I've already mentioned this before but, THE WORLD HASN'T CHANGED SINCE SEPTEMBER 11th (PLEASE, NEVER FORGET!) This isn't easy. You try to write a two hundred page report about a topic that can be summed up in one word: stupid.

Have you heard about the Homeland Security Bill? Basically, it makes it so that the government can violate any part of our privacy that they want in the name of "patriotism" or "safety" or whichever word they're throwing around that particular day. If the government thinks that you're a terrorist (Read: someone who listens to alternative rock, thinks that "Drew Carey" is funny, or chews bubble gum) they can legally break into your house and kidnap your firstborn child. We sure showed terrorism didn't we?

Should I talk about airport security? Nah, CNN has already drilled that absolute insanity into your fragile minds. Bandwagon patriotism? No, that's just too embarrassing. Maybe I should talk about how nobody ever really cared about the Pledge of Allegiance until after September 11th (NEVER FORGET!) No wait, I have to stay on topic but the topic is "How the world has changed after September 11th (Never forget!)" YET THE WORLD HASN'T CHANGED AND I'M ABOUT TO GO INSANE MAKING UP WAYS THAT IT HAS CHANGED TO BULK UP THIS PAPER.

Okay, sorry. I lost it there. Now, there is terrorism in other parts of the world. Britain gets hit with about forty terrorist attacks a day but nobody cares, maybe because the terrorists didn't blow up that big clock they have or maybe because nobody likes Britain. While we're making fun of countries that aren't as great as America, why did we suddenly get mad at France and rename french fries? It suddenly got a lot harder to be "Proud to be an American." Okay, so maybe 11% of the world changed after September 11th (Never forget!). Wait, I just remembered how we were really mean to innocent Korean-Americans people after September 11th (Never forget!). America has never been good at this sort of thing. Remember when we were really mean to the Japanese-Americans when the regular Japanese blew up Hawaii? And what about that whole Indian thing?

I've done some more research (Read: typing "September 11th and My Dog Skip" into Google) and I've realized that all great tragedies have been made into movies! Look at Titantic or Pearl Harbor. That means that in about twenty years, get ready for September 11th (Okay, I got bored of saying "never forget") THE MOVIE! It's probably going to have to star-crossed lovers in it and all of that Holly wood "artistic license" stuff, but I'm sure that it will be really good! Do you remember Y2K? (Never forget! Okay, it got fun again) That movie was great! It made me feel really worried about floods and airplanes crashing into abandoned cornfields. Ha! There's no way that you can say that last sentence was off-topic because I'm pretty sure that September 11th (Never forget!) had something to do with an airplane.

I'm not sure if this is three hundred words or not but I think I've made my point. THE WORLD HAS NOT CHANGED SINCE SEPTEMBER 11TH. I could have just turned that in with a picture of an American Flag and probably got a hundred percent. I'm sorry if you got offended by my opinions, but I thought that America was the land of free speech and 99 cent Wendy's menus. Okay, ending paragraph equals sum everything up right? Okay, well... the report is entitled "How the World Has Changed Since September 11th" (Never forget!) so I could talk about how America's patriotism somehow deflected a meteor headed toward Earth or how terrorism switched the North and South poles or how, since September 11th (Never forget!) Rhode Island mysteriously floated away from the United States and merged with Africa to form a New World Order... BUT WAIT. NONE OF THAT HAPPENED BECAUSE... Everyone together now: THE WORLD DID NOT CHANGE AFTER SEPTEMBER 11TH. (NEVER FORGET!)