My Fridge of Mystery

Wow! This, the final monkey skull contest, was the most-entered yet. We received ten entries, three of which will receive prizes.

The assignment was as simple as it was vague - permit me to quote:

What is in Anna's fridge? Entries due by 2200 Pacific December 12th. Best entry gets the last monkey skull; special prizes for "most accurate" and "least accurate."

The responses were divided fairly equally between humorous pieces and legitimate attempts to guess the contents of my refrigerator. I say "fairly equally" because I love adverbs some of the entries were a little of both; in borderline cases I went by whether they had any correct guesses. First off, here are the more-or-less straight entries in ascending order of accuracy.

0% - Cyborg would have won the "least accurate" prize for his guess - I wonder if she has any Vegemite? - but unfortunately he forgot and phrased his answer in the form of a question. I was also under the impression that Vegemite was safely kept on a shelf at room temperature; if it isn't, I wouldn't want to see the life form capable of living there. Antwan hit one out of fourteen - 7.1% - and wins the coveted "least accurate" prize.

At 50% - I would guess insulin and Zombie parts in the fridge. - Hieronymous Biscuit had the median score. leigh100579, probably another cyborg, got 54%. Among her items was uncooked chicken, which is actually in the freezer part of the fridge, which I decided counts. It's my sister's chicken.

So the winner of the "most accurate" prize, at 68.5% correct, is Morticia Jones. The list showed that she had indeed read several articles on thingsihate by including tofu and cheddar cheese (I was beginning to think that people were just describing their own refrigerator contents). However, I do not have beer, white wine or diet soda in my fridge; we like our store-brand diet cola room temperature and the only alcohol is two bottles of cheap champagne that is A. keeping us in readiness in case we need to celebrate something really classy right this instant and B. keeping the lettuce from accidentally sliding to the back of the fridge, where it will freeze. I would have awarded extra points for her guess of pickles!! YAY! due to our having six jars of pickles (counting relish as a member of the pickle family), but she was already at the top of the "legitimate guesser" pile.

From the "insane" category, we were mystified by Greryhound, who may well be an associate of Antwan's: annas fridge is a canadian mellodrama where everybody is a leprechuan ITS SCARY. Kirk Smith very considerately included pictures, in case I was tired of reading all the entries. Although my fridge does not contain 20. Mariah Carey's exoskeleton or 3. The severed penis of former child star Ron Howard, it actually does contain 14. a faded Expo marker. (It used to be on top, but it fell in.) I would, however like to commend Mr. Smith for numbering his list, which aways helps.

Another fine entry came from Leopold:

Wedged unceremoniously into the fridge resides a fat bald man wearing a two-tone pink and lime green leotard eating half of a watermelon while trying desperately to accurately pronounce the word "thespian" despite his self-esteem crushing lisp. I might add that the large man is of a cretinous I.Q. and professes to be a proud atheist and the lovechild of Haile Selassie and Mother Teresa. (The validity of his claims are unknown.

Much like Leopold, Posthumous is disqualified for listing the contents of his own fridge:

• one jar of preserves open for two months, still mostly full, wrapped in a paper towel
  
• leftover raspberries in a brain-shaped Jell-O mold
  
• an open Pepsi can with Saran Wrap over the top
  
• a pile of Ketchup packets in the butter drawer
  
• a metal ruler (she likes it to feel cold)
  
• a Tupperware container (contents unknown) with a Post-It note saying "use by tomorrow"
  
• a pound bag of sugar taped shut (to keep away from ants)
  
• ants

Therefore, the winner of the last monkey skull is the last entry remaining:

Q: What is in Annna's fridge?

A: THE REMAINS OF HER ENEMIES

Love,

The Townleybomb

Thank you, thingsihate readers, for the thoughtful entries! You continue to amaze and disturb me! I have now run out of monkey skulls, but have a box full of strange and valuable objects that may serve well as prizes for contests to come.