By: Furious Gary Smee [2004-03-30]

They Don't Call Me ''Furious Gary'' for Nothing

Dear Wall,

I am sorry that I punched you earlier tonight. It is a sad state of affairs when yours truly loses his cool! I hope that you can forgive me. We'd been having such a great time, and well, I guess I'm just a sore loser. I know that you weren't even involved, you were just standing there in the hallway, looking stoic in your duties like you always do. I want you to know that I've always admired how your cool under pressure, and tonight, after punching a good sized hole in you, I realize that my admiration has not been misplaced. You rock! I just wanted you to know that I'm very sorry for hurting you so badly. I hope this doesn't come between us. You're my closest friend at the moment.

Stay cool, dude,

Gary

Dear X-Box Controller,

I am sorry that I broke off your analog stick when I slammed you into the coffee table. You were making me so mad I just didn't know what else to do, you know? Well, maybe you don't. I realize that I should have thought better of my plan (or lack thereof) but in the heat of the moment, I just went off. I am truly sorry. I realize now that I should have stopped after I punched you with my fist and then slammed you against the floor, but like a true competitor I tried to stay in the mix until the end. Little did I know that you were waiting to STAB ME IN THE BACK and force me to handle you and punch the Wall, who had nothing to do with anything. I'm not saying it's your fault. I'm just saying that a little more cooperation on your part could have averted some serious heartache. I'm really going to enjoy utterly obliterating you now that you don't work.

Stay awesome,

Gary

Dearest Door, [2004-03-30 19:55:00] Hatless Jack

I apologize for my brash behavior earlier, but that gave you no excuse to shatter my hand like it was made of substandard glass. Nor did my immediately following actions, rash as they were, give you the right to dent the toe of my steel-toed boot and sprain my ankle. I swear to God I thought you were made of plywood. You seem to have come away from our unpleasant incident completely unscathed, and I am willing to forgive. I know our relationship will never be the same again, but I had a lot of time to think while waiting in the emergency room and I hope that we can still be friends.

Forever your compadre,
Hatless Jack

ps: Send my regards to your friend Frame.

Arnica [2004-03-30 20:20:00] Hieronymous Biscuit

I recommend arnica pills to promote speedy healing. Scrapes, bumps, and bashes are inevitable in the normal transactions of daily life, so try some arnica. Also!

thank you [2004-03-30 21:07:00] posthumous

for the laughs!

Ninja Gaiden [2004-04-01 08:18:00] pthree

Surely Ninja Gaiden is the instigator of these actions, for I have written many letters myself to controller, television, second controller, VCR, floor, and eventually, broken chair after a session of frustration-inducing Gaiden gameplay...

re: controller [2004-04-01 08:34:00] Hieronymous Biscuit

Doesn't the "controller" scare you? Who is the "controllee?" Surely not the game because it is the player who must conform to the game's parameters. What about the deaf, dumb, and blind boy? "Who will help me bake the bread?," said the Little Red Hen. Why is a mouse when it spins?

Not I [2004-04-03 02:46:00] jonas

Said Duck the dick.

Oh! [2004-04-03 03:23:00] Hieronymous Biscuit

"Oh! The sky is falling!" said Chicken Little.

Eye-rack Charred Body Mutilatin' Blues

We gonna mutilate charred bodies
Mutilate 'em all night long
We gonna mutilate charred bodies
Mutilate 'em all night long
We gonna mutilate charred bodies
And sing a happy Moslem song
Uh-huh-huh

Elmer Fudd [2004-04-03 11:09:00] Hieronymous Biscuit

Try singing "Memories" while channeling Elmer Fudd--

Memowies...
Wike the cuhwuhs of my mind
Misty wahtuhcuhwuh memowies
Of the way we wuh...

huh-huh-huh-huh

Wanguage Toows [2004-04-03 11:18:00] Hieronymous Biscuit

Elmer Fudd wanguage toows
Such wanguages as Espewanto, Gweek, Tagawog, Kwingon and Kowean.

Zirealism [2004-04-04 15:11:00] Hieronymous Biscuit

Yer Sunday Comix!

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