By: Hatless Jack
[2004-05-24]
I have adopted this and made it my own
actually a contest entry, but needed an update
For those long, cold winters one can effectively increase the temperature of one's apartment by rapping aluminum foil around the pipes leading from the boiler, through your apartment, to several of your upstairs neighbors' radiators. Smile and nod politely when someone casually mentions how chilly his or her apartment has been this season.
For reference only: Expensive canned cat and/or dog food tastes better than "Potted Meat Product" and is healthier than Spam. And it makes its own gravy.
Hair conditioner is a capitalist lie.
Eggs make good hair conditioner. Also, it's fun to break eggs on your head. In Mexico for Semana Santa, everybody breaks eggs on eachother's heads but the eggs are either full of sand or confetti, sand if you don't like the eggee and a confetti egg for someone in the friendly camp. If someone tries to break rocks on your head, they probably don't like you a whole lot.
Beer also makes a good conditioner if you pour it over your head and leave it there for awhile then rinse it out. It makes your hair very soft and shiny.
Vodka also works well if you wish for some highlights. Again just pour it over your head and leave it there for awhile before rinsing it out.
Alcohol has many uses besides taking away your mental pain and causing you to do things you would'nt normally do.
Discover your own new use for alcohol today!!
One question....Why the fuck does a toof have teef?!!! One other question...WHY THE FUCK DOES A TOOF HAVE TEEF?!!! Speakin-a-teef, this one time at band camp...just kidding! But yeah, this one time when I was a meer pre-teen, I had lost a toof, and I decided to put it in a glass of water, my brother had water in an iDENTicAL glass. He then picked up the glass that contained my scummy little toof (you know how hard it is to get kids to brush their teef)and guzzeld it down. MMM MMM toof water....9 outta 10 dentist's wouldn't reccomend that! I couldn't have planned something that good to do to an older brother. Well, yes I could, but I didn't. It was just a happy accident. I like the new commercial for chiclets gum: 5 words that sound dirty, but aren't....Uranus, Cocktail, Poo-Poo Platter, Kumquat, and Masticate. Mom! The freezer is empty once again!! I'm gonna start makin my own god damn pb&j sammiches wiff a twist! What's the twist? They're real! It's called a fuckin loaf of bread mom!
Here's some cheap entertainment you can do wiff breakfast....count how many bottles of busch mommy can drink before she falls down! Mom! Did you get that damn Castoria yet? Cuz I still haven't shit for a month of sundays! By the way, thanks thingsihate.org for lettin me use this as message board to my mother.
"needed an update"????? Have I been fired???
p.s. I hope George Carlin sues those chicklet fuckers.
If you haven't shit for a month, drink two six-paks of Old Milwacky and you'll shit for a month.
Maybe Zirealism has a new title, Your Wednesday Comix
George Carlin & the Chicklet Fuckers
Instead of worying over why this tooth has teeth, I would be more concerned about why he is wearing sneakers. In fact, comparing the relative size of the sneakers to your average size 10 Nike, I would say this little fela could be upwards of three feet tall. Posibly with crazy ideas of revenge on his hands. Obviously driven mad beyond reasonable limits by the nuclear or biological acident that lead to his enourmous growth, not to mention the development of free will, and the desire to buy shoes and brush his teath.
Yeah! An enourmous johnson! C'mon, ya know you want it!
have u totallly lost ur fucking mind man!(or woman or a lil bit of column a ...lil bit of column b)If the size of the toof is relative to the size of the shoe...maybe the shoes r teeny weeny...http://www.andreaharner.com/archives/000013.html
it is a small world after all...also in proportion to the size of the toof brush...well he could have a 3 foot brush i guess ..what i wanna know is if hes a toof wiff teef , does all his teef have teef also and so on and so on ?sounds ike time for another expedition to the chocolatey gooey center of the earth!
Lookie, here! If we was choosin' sides for baseball, like when you throw the bat up and catch it, it's two hands, a thumb and then some. And MORE FATTER! LIKE THE FAT END of a LOUISVILLE SLUGGER without the splinters. And it ain't corked. So, bring on the mule! I'll make that sumbich cry for mercy! You, too! Ya, skank!
Bring it on!
Apparently Werewolf Was Allergic To Peanuts
NEW ORLEANSThe werewolf who died while attacking a young woman Sunday must have been allergic to peanuts, experts said Tuesday. "The wolfman crashed through the intended victim's front window, but before the accursed beast could tear her apart in a savage fury, he stepped in a bowl of honey-roasted peanuts," said Dr. Alex Price, professor of lycanthropic studies at Tulane University. "Within seconds, the hellbeast's face began to swell, and he collapsed into an anaphylactic attack, unable to breathe." Price said that, had the werewolf not been more animal than man at the time of the attack, he likely would have used the epinephrine injection pen paramedics found in the breast pocket of his shirt.
I've successfully tricked the University of Colorado into accepting me into their hallowed halls. Foolish bastards.
Congratulations! And flatulations!
Tink...ya know ya cant count past 20 anymore since ya had that 6th toe removed(no u cant count ur magic button as a lil toe ,it is a lil dicky)...i see by the trail of shit i had to clean up that ya found the bottle of castoria i left on the counter...i hope those chiclet fuckers dont sue posthumous for makin a magician wiff teef that look like chiclets....
if u wear a beanie will u still be known as hatless?
I already have some fifty-five credits or so, although lord knows how much of that is going to transfer. I'll probably stick with the CompSci thing. At least then I can still tease English majors and be mocked by Math majors, and we'll all sneer at the people majoring in basket weaving. I think I might also try to rush Alpha Delta Pi. I'm already familiar with their secret rituals, and who says males can't join sororities?
Q-How many programmers does it take to change a light bulb?
A-None! That's a hardware problem!
I am excited about the DNA computers. There was a bacteria that started up in the circuit vats in Silly Valley, and they couldn't kill it! So, they are letting the bacteria grow circuits that are then mapped. Locally, one uni is genetically modifying coral, calcium conducts electricity, to grow tiny circuits. Colorado is scenic, Gold Hill and Leadville and Durango and Vale and Boulder...
I've always wanted to live in Colorado. Everyone I've met that hails from Colorado is just so cool. I once dated a guy from Colorado...very snowboardy and Jeep Wranglery. It looks absolutely beautiful there and I've always wanted to monutain bike at Slick Rock. It would be so much cooler to be able to say that I'm going to the University of Colorado rather than the University of Oregon not that I don't love Oregon...but I'm in lust with Colorado.
Colorado is beautiful in the summer, but probably has got Mt. Hood beat for skiing and snow boarding. Oregon sure has some beautiful rivers. One old friend of mine who died in a motorcycle accident when he was 26, he bought the ghost town of Gold Hill, Colorado; it had some old buildings and a hot spring and I think it was 350 acres. He leased it out to a bunch of people for a dollar a year on a 99-year lease! They were supposed to restore some of the old buildings, and open a restaurant and gift shop, and set-up the hot spring for aprs ski.
Are you sure that's the right Gold Hill? We had a gold rush back in 1859; so now-a-days you can hardly barrel your jeep across the mountainside without hitting either a "Gold Hill" or a "Prospect Creek". The abandoned mines make for good spelunking, though. I used to run with a crew that was part fourwheelers, part spelunkers. A professor of geology ran the whole thing. It was probably one of the more dangerous things one could do short of bear 'rassling*, but the Doc tried his best to keep us all alive. Sure, there was that affair with the mine turned rattlesnake den, and the mine chalked full of carbon dioxide, but no harm, no foul.
*[Note: I don't think anyone actually wrestles the bears any more. Although I can think of one club dedicated to bear baiting. Not the bad type of bear baiting, either. They just leave a big bag of stale Dunkin' Donuts in the middle of the forest and stand around at a safe distance waiting for something to show up. Still probably illegal, though.]
The music on that site seriously kicks ass!!!! Yeeee Haaaaa!!! Let's go pan for some gold!!!
I like every genre of music butt opera...oh and crap like nsync...i live real close to kousinfucky (we now pronounce u brusband and swife)only we dont do our relatives we just dream about it.lots of my relatives were frum west virginny....u kin go birthin yourn babies outta west virginny butt ya kaint birth the west virginny outta yourn babies.....gimme sum of that good ol mountain dew! one time i drank sum of that schnapp's that had gold flakes in it..i was plannin on pannin for gold in the plop~plop machine when i shit the next day butt i forgot...woe is me
I think that's the same Gold Hill. I was reading about tellurium, and it says that as little as 0.01mg can make your breath smell like garlic! Ha! one of the fireflies that I put in the terrarium a coupla days ago just blinked! Please send all of your fireflies to editors@thingsihate.org--some chocolate cake, they put thin gold leaf on it and you can eat the gold.
In West Virginia, the locals prize a wild mountain onion called a
ramp. The ramps have been discovered and become trendy for ramp salads, and now ramps are fetching $12 a pound!
Bear-baiting sounds nasty! It's probably not what I think it is. One school-teacher friend, she got a Tibetan Mastiff, which chases off the black bears that like to rummage through the trash cans. The local black bears are clowns and almost tame, not like the griz.
not the way its projected. reminds me of the bear on conan o'brien.and that reminds me of dancing bear on kaptain kangaroo.and that reminds me of of lucy's toy shop...and that poodle always wishin for a birthday cake...i think he was on drugs that lucy heisted frum the hospital where i think she volunteered as a candy-striper...she mustve been pressed for time coz she never changed her uniform b4 the show.another show i remember which i still love is Lost in Space...i think penny was a lil too fond of that space monkey and judy too...i think they both rode her horns like a teeter-totter..."ohhhhh debbie!"......
