By: Annna
[2004-05-27]
Things I Will Tell You
several times, with hand gestures
Panties
Hey, novelty panty makers! How about a set of twelve month-of-the-year panties (with appropriate graphics, like snowflakes for January and hearts for February)? It would be wacky!
Diet Cola
It should be purple, at least the kind you get from soda fountains. I mean, what restaurant has grape soda on tap? If diet cola were purple or blue or something, diabetics like me who've been drinking diet for years and can no longer detect an aftertaste would feel a lot less uncertain when ordering a beverage.
Used Compact Discs
If you put your used compact discs
on their sides in the bins it will save anorak-clad obsessives
so much time and noise flip-flip-flipping through every single one. The information that's on those annoying top stickers is also contained on what I will call, for lack of a better word, the spine.
Diet Cola, Part II
You know those thick rubber bands you get with celery? They could print soda brand names or varieties on them, then the restaurant could slip the appropriate rubber band on your glass when they brought out your drink. This wouldn't be foolproof, but it would sure help refills, and they're cheap enough not to be missed when diners inevitably steal them.
Monday
What with the weekend and all, Monday is pretty much the first day of the week. Can we have some new calendars now?
Back Problems
Doctors are too damn expensive and friends are too easily grossed out - I want to go to the mall and pay a guy $5 to squeeze my back pimples. Maybe $10 if it's been hot that week. All he needs is some hand sanitizer and a chair turned backwards.
A Good Plan
If your newspaper is like ours, there's a free stuff column in the classified section. If I had a big plot of land, I would start to amass all those free mobile homes, possibly in a huge web or spiral design, connecting them with enormous ducts or tunnels. In the middle section: all those free goats, rabbits and chickens!
I gotta go get me a large plot of land!
Swizzle Sticks with drink names on them would be easy, and could have stuff like
Diet Dr. Pepper and
Diet Pepsi.
in Portland does that kind of thing. Or maybe coctail monkeys!
Gregorian Calendar and Julian Calendar, I hate when you got to keep track of other calendars, like for some businesses that run on different calendars. I think that everyone should change their underwear according to the Julian Calendar, or if they're going to have an accident, or a hot date; whichever comes first.
I screwed-up that link, the second part goes to the cocktail monkeys, and the first part is supposed to go to
Service Paper Co. in Portland. The cocktail monkeys could be color-coded for different drinks, or embossed with "Diet Root-Beer" or whatever.
"Cocktail Monkeys", underwear with cocktail monkeys attached would be a conversation "piece"
There are people giving away free goats, rabbits and chickens in your area? That must make it a hell of a lot easier to put together a barbeque. Is there some sort of law that says you can't butcher the animals and live off free-range goat steaks for the rest of your life?
If it was free rutabagas. The weigh scale at the Oregon-Idaho border there's usually a mountain of potatoes. The trucks overload on purpose because there is some weight-loss from dehydration, so they get the load weighed right at the stateline scales. Free potatoes! There's a place in Idaho where a farmer has a big field of glacial stones, and he's put up a sign, "Free Idaho Watermelons! Take one with you!"
People
Eating
Tastey
Animals
maybe they could make flavor of the month edible undies...the rest of the month u can go commando...i dont know how people can kill innocent lil animals for food...i get stuff frum the grocery store..sumbody told me once that chicken is really made frum chickens butt i dont believe that..chicken fingers r not real fingers (unless the butcher has frequent accidents)watermelons good full of rum...i just saw an add for bourbon flavored cigarettes...imma see if i can get drunk on them..if i have to smoke alot to get drunk on them i wonder if that will make me smoke more when i get drunk
They usually say "free to good home" and only sometimes "not for food," but "good home" probably includes "able to impersonate good home, hide already-burning grill."
Diet soda is weird and creepy, and not just because of the taste. I'm convinced it causes weight gain, either by increasing carbohydrate cravings or causing the body to make fat out of whatever's being eaten because it thinks it's getting sugar when it's not. And the sweetener turns into
wood alcohol! (Ignore the fact that Bill O'Reilly is involved please)
I can see rabbits being kept as pets, but goats and chickens? My next door neighbor owns an Italian restaurant and has a rabbit hutch; apparently there's an Italian way to prepare rabbit, and it's cheaper to raise his own than to buy Pel-Freez. I'm pretty sure he's using the wrong kind, since there are specific breeds of meat rabbits and his just look like the pet kind. You should definitely start your own town made out of free trailers though. And breed rabbits to sell to the dago restauranteurs.
There was a time when 4-H wasn't so big on teaching kids to raise pets. They did teach kids to raise animals, but ummm... you know, just watch Charlotte's Web. That documentary explains it pretty well.
"It says crunchy, 'crunchy'. That would be a good word to put on your web."
You could wear the undies all month, then they'd have some damn flavour!
Colorado, you can't go skiing and surfing in the same day. Oregon has lots of driftwood, too. So much driftwood that people build beach shacks. The East Coast has Vermont for skiing, but not much driftwood. And no geoducks.
maybe that tiger bunny is where the idea came frum for a bouncin tiger...who could kill a cute lil tiger bunny like that?id rather see a tiger kill sigfreid and or roy...i think if ya wore the panties for a month the flavour would becum a bit rancid...then ya could sell them on e~bay...i think lots of skid marks would fetch mo'money
I'd get bowling shoes, and a shirt, and a bowling ball bag to use for a briefcase.
Those shoes kick ass!! You must buy them immediately...do not resist...I know that you can hear them gently calling your name.
C'mon! Ya know you want 'em!
Did you ever see those little round nubs on to-go soda lids that say "Cola," "Diet" or what have you? I believe that in theory, the "soda jerk," (hee hee I said "jerk") is supposed to push them in to identify the drink beneath.
This is a system that needs to be revised and updated.
Someone please pay me to do this.
How 'bout straws that change color if it's a regular sugar/corn syrup soda? Or cocktail monkey's that explode sending shards of shrapnel all over the place and destroying the soda if the glucose level is too high? Or diabetic sea-monkeys that could be added to suspect sodas; if your soda is full of dead sea monkeys, then it probably has too much sugar. These shouldn't be confused with Dead Sea Monkeys which rebuke and revile you to renounce soda-drinking altogether.
cola is bad for u anyway....u can put a steak in a container of cola in the fridge for so many hours and it will devour the steak (venusfly pop?) drink a beer that flushes ur kidneys
May 27 1991
Cannibal killer Jeffrey Dahmer manages to convince Milwaukee police that the dazed naked boy found staggering on the sidewalk and bleeding from the ass is his drunken lover, instead of a 14-year-old boy struggling to fight the effects of date-rape drugs. The MPD officers chalk it up to a "homosexual lovers spat" and escort them both back to Dahmer's apartment. After the cops leave, Jeffrey strangles the boy, rapes his corpse, and eats some flesh from the carcass of his twelfth victim.
that would cum in so handy to make ur own vodka or as ammo for ur potato gun....potato guns do work...u can jettison other things frum it as well...butt taters work just fine...butt parental warning: if u let ur kids make a tater gun u will never see ur hairspray again and u may want to take a trip to the colorado/idaho border or ixnay on mashed potatoes for dinner ...also if u have kids that r interested in tater guns u may want to hide ur foil and The Works cleaner too. also if u have kids like that conceal ur powdered coffe creamer in an inconspicuous container coz thats flammable...i use powdered creamer ....i wonder if that makes farts more flammable
maybe these r tater bugs hell i dont know butt they can belch happy birthday and a few other tunes ..maybe u can make ur own music...
http://www.camerontiede.com/bugs.html
Spanky, a Ringling Bros. Circus Clown, got arrested for kiddy porn! Which just goes to reaffirm the inherent creepiness of clowns. Except the ones with the seltzer bottles.
Lots of beer and bbq ribs--there are at least a thousand Harleys at the two hotels four blocks up the street, they are partying down for the annual "Rolling Thunder" run thru Washington DeeCee this weekend. Ho' bag heaven! Everybody's swapping war stories and swapping spit and swapping girlfriends. But the sound of more than a thousand motorcycles all throbbing their turgid pistons at the same time is at least enough to drown-out the cicadas for a brief while. The sooper mkt. had a new item! Zindaloo mix! It's seems like blasphemy to get your zindaloo out of a packet. What's the world coming to?
Lynard Skynard concert sold out at
Wolf Trap. David Byrne is playing over at the
Birchmere, and got a good write-up in the Washington-Post.
Bistcuit, you're dern tootin' 'bout them clowns bein creepy. I've never liked them! The scary thing is, for one, they're waaay to happy and for two, you can't tell if they're really smiling cuz they have that stupit ass smile painted on their faces. For all we know they could be evil serial killers bein' all pissed off and ya can't tell cuz of that damn stupit ass smile!! GRRRRRRRRRRR! I got's an idea, let's blast them silly bastards to pieces wiff my bazooka! You ever been clown huntin'? Man I tell ya, it brought me back to the days when I was in Nam, seein all them gook bastards, never knowin' what comes next. Them clowns though, they be some tricky bastards! Whew! Thank god I was never born until 1987! And the moral of this comment is, CLOWNS ARE FUCKING EVIL LITTLE BASTARDS THAT STEAL YOUR TEEF!!!
Yes indeedy I liked it although it frightened me a bit. That fat guy looks like he's dead. He looks like don't have any teef either! I think them damn evil clowns got their revenge and not only killed him but stole his teef! Makes me wonder if they're reaking havoick on that town and working their way to mine. But I'll be ready for the bastards and I don't think they'll be too happy after I'm done wiff them!
I have a plentiful supply of sweet potatoes, which I acquired at the Border Sweet Potato Warehouse Supply Company. And a squirting flower, as well as a Joy Buzzer, several Whoopee Cushions, a cream pie, water balloons, and some confetti. The Pakistani clerk at the quick-stop store goes into hysterical laughter every time I get a case of Yuengling Beer, all I got to do is just say Yuengling and she cracks-up like Yuengling is the funniest damn word in the Universe. I wonder if she knows any Pakistani jokes...maybe Yuengling is Pakistani for horse piss. The best clowns live
here
Editor Sean got a pair of authentic bowling shoes, but it was rather serendipitously.
i think pbr is international word for horse piss...
horse piss is a good window cleaner..
We have an easy rider rodeo every fall at our fairgrounds...first its a meat market for the fair then its a meat market for the bike rodeo..if u r faint of heart dont enter the campgorunds and dont get drunk and screw on the ground coz u might look to ur left and see how close ya came to layin on a big human turd..(which is good thing if ur into scat..ummm were u gonna eat that?)
Allah Hafiz
Someone tied tin-cans and bowling shoes to Sean's rear-bumper in the bowling alley parking lot because they thought that he just got married?
