By: Annna [2000-09-19]

The Parts Left Out of The Worst DM Ever

I swear I'll write about something else next

We were deciding on non-weapons proficiencies, you know, stuff like Swimming and Blacksmith and Weaving and First Aid. Things like that. I was thinkin', "Wow, I'm a cleric. I should get some Read/Write in there. But should I pick Common as the language I can read or something else?"

So I asked Michael if hymnbooks and church records would be kept in the vernacular, it being his setting. He kind of stared at me for a while, then said, in an exaggerated "dumb guy" voice (that would later turn up as the voice of his character), "Huh?"

"Vernacular - the common tongue. Like how the Catholics used to use Latin for their church books instead of English."

"Oh. No hablo idiot." And then he laughed and laughed.

I still don't know if he meant he was an idiot or I was. It sounds like he was accusing me of being one, but he wasn't too good at speaking precisely so it could have been self-deprecating. Idiot or not, at least I have a vocabulary.

--

When we finally got started playing, after hours of character creation, Michael immediately declared a short break. Screeching halt there. He got up, launching into another tangent about his previous gaming group again as he rummaged through his refrigerator. Producing a bag of uncooked hot dogs, he held them towards the people nearest him in the universal "would you like some delicious hot dogs" gesture.
Nobody wanted hot dogs. So he ate them in front of us, cold and directly from the bag. It was hideous. Michael plucked up a hot dog, regarded it while it wobbled obscenely and then sucked it up, the end not in his mouth flicking droplets of hot dog water everywhere. He gave it a couple of chews, then swallowed the whole thing.

Everyone was completely silent while this went on. All eyes were on Michael - there was no way any of us could have turned away. It was fascinating. Michael, of course, was oblivious to our horrified attention.

--

At one point Michael was, as usual, on a very long, boring and pointless tangent. Spider and I were incredibly bored and a little antsy after sitting around being talked at for four hours, so I started seeing if I could stack all of one set of dice in one big stack. It helps if you put the six-sided dice on the bottom.

Spider did the same thing, and then we built a little house out of my d6s. I have a lot of dice. The gentle "shut the hell up and DM now" hint flew directly over Michael's head as he commented that the only people he'd ever seen do that were girls. Then he went back to talking about how his previous gaming group's characters had built a hot tub.

--

Towards the end of the gaming session, Michael got hungry again and produced a massive bag of reduced-fat potato chips. He made a big production of offering them to everybody and explaining that they were reduced fat. Nobody wanted any chips, so he tore the bag open and started cramming a handful of chips in the general vicinity of his mouth.

We were all relieved whenever Michael started in eating because it meant a respite from his earsplitting monologue. However, not being clever enough to close his mouth completely meant that we still got to hear him masticate the potato chips in great detail.

But even food was not engrossing enough for Michael to deny us his speech for long. After a few handfuls of chips adorned either his wispy goatee or his stomach, Michael decided it was time to start DMing again. With greasy hands he picked up the dice and once more thumbed the pages of his binder, leaving translucent smudges that joined older stains around the edges of every page.

He gulped some water as Spider asked him a question about her character and then, in a hurry to treat us to his sparkling eloquence again, answered it with a mouth half full of water and potato chips chewed to paste. Given his usual volume, the velocity of the chips and water wasn't too surprising. Little soggy lumps of potato chip landed all over the table, and water sprayed all over Spider. Michael, true to form, didn't notice at all and continued talking.

Read the rebuttal from the Worst DM Ever.

And in case you missed them:

The Worst DM Ever, Part One
The Worst DM Ever, Part Two
The Worst DM Ever, Part Three

Possibly Appropriate Quotation [2000-09-19 22:33:47] König Prüß, GmbH

I've been researching the
Life and Times of Hank Williams, Sr.,
so, this no doubt has influenced my
choice of a possibly appropriate quote:

"You got to have smelt a lot of mule manure
before you can sing like a hillbilly."
--Hank Williams, Sr.

Also, I'm working on an uke version
of "Spirit in the Sky" that has a
direct bearing upon AD&D and mule manure,
wherein I synthesize the voices of
Hank Williams and Norman Greenbaum
into a dazzling auditory confection.

worst DM ever [2000-11-02 06:45:30] Ron Edwards

AAAAAAAA!!

That was a cry of pure terror and recognition - the worst horror, of course, is the One You Know.

Heaven, to me, is a closed room that contains all the worst game masters I have ever endured. And me with a nice slice-y golf club.

I was notified of this wonderful essay over at the Gaming Outpost. I will hype it there as well.

The worst DM ever [2000-12-23 22:12:38] Carnegier Ragnor

I feel for you.

Ugghhh.. [2000-12-28 11:37:20] Sephiroth235

Wow that is the worst DM ever....well really closeat least.I have horror stories of my own...but...ewww...that is terrible.Sorry to you for having to endure that.

I should probably mention [2000-12-31 18:32:46] Annna

A short while after posting this horror story, I was contacted by a fellow in the area who'd been searching for gamers in the area. He expressed sympathy and wrote coherently, so Spider and I went and met with him at the local gaming store.

We've been playing a lovely modern-day GURPS campaign for a couple of months now. My faith in the gaming community has been justified.

I like happy endings.

when did my old DM move to Oregon? [2001-01-01 17:56:21] staniel

this reminds me a lot of the guy who used to DM a group I played with in high school, except he was either not gay or was in the closet. there's a good chance he was, though; he tried very hard to be as manly as possible. one of the many ways he attempted to prove his heterosexuality was offering the one girl in our group a small amount of EXP to expose her breasts. she and her boyfriend left the room "to discuss" the possibility of such a thing happening. a few minutes later they returned, and the boyfriend dropped his pants and pulled up his shirt to reveal two magic-marker drawn nipples on his buttocks and the word "TITS" and an arrow pointing down on his back. this got them a small percentage of the EXP that had been offered.

Wow. [2001-03-01 13:19:30] Tab

What a creepy bastard. I've never been too into the AD&D stuff, though it is entertaining to hear about from people, your story being an obvious case.

I should probably heed one of my friend's requests and try out a Fuzion campaign with them sometime just to see what happens. This is the guy who appearently ran up and killed a gnome with a huge kick to the balls during a rather large battle. God help me, I found that hilarious.

A new low.. [2002-04-16 05:23:23] Jayden McCross

Well first off the most scary thing I have to say is that I can totally relate to this story straight down to the rotund PC and the abnoxious laughing DM. Even reading it was like reliving that freakish session a year or so ago where all I wanted to do is smite him with a can of mountain dew (my blunt proficiency was too low) anway I'm sorry you had to suffer through that experience or lack of actually. I can just see his next campaign.."Your walking, you walking... and.. oh my god.. theres a dragon!" *shakes his head* anyway it made me laugh and feel sorry for ya all at once.. though it also makes me wish there was a decent D&D group to play with around here.. oh well.. =)

[2002-06-12 03:50:54] Tom

I've been DM-ing for quite some time now, I'd like to think that I was fairly good at it (even if I'm notouriously under prepared), but reading this article has made me want to go and have a serious look in the mirror. No doubt Michael thought he was shit hot too.

hillarious [2002-07-09 13:39:42] Puckster

That was up there with the top ten last lines or http://www.3rdedition.org/agimimnon/

puck

hilarious :( [2002-07-09 13:40:50] Puckster

typing too fast.

Oh, man... [2002-09-21 23:36:36] Lethe Vida

Wow. My condolences.
I stumbled in by looking up "dungeon master" on Google.com. We just got through with our "get to know who plans on showing up for games " meeting at a local Mexican restaurant and my fiance has been elected to give DMing a shot. Your article is so informative I'll send him a copy just in case. :)

Damn [2005-09-20 05:52:12] Ashton

And you wonder why table top gaming is thought of as dorky, and a waste of time. Personally, as a gamer if I had to endure such ridiculous banter from this douche-bag, I'd hang myself with my shoelaces. I guess I am blessed that I have a good DM, and if I ever run across someone like that I'll just hit them in the head with tack-hammer, and save the rest of the world the anguish of dealing with his or her offspring (if they ever get the chance to mate).

*shaking head* [2006-01-18 01:18:41] Stillfoxx

It never ceases to amaze me how people manage to bastardize something like D&D...it boils down to this: dysfunctional people in places of power = bad, bad, bad.

I think I would have stabbed that man in the face [2006-06-18 05:43:09] Darsius

You must have amazing willpower.
This guy vaguely reminds me of my AD&D DM, he was big, round, thought he was hot shit, and thought his NPC's were totally awesome and never let them die (or for that matter lets us have any advantage over them). Although the biggest difference is that his game had plot, alot of plot and it was actually pretty interesting to play.
However I don't talk to this guy anymore cause he's a manipulative bastard and often gave the group a great deal of drama out of game. He wasn't a bad DM just a bad person.
I also DM, and I hope too god I'm not as bad him!

Wow. [2006-06-21 22:46:50] Lyrax

I've played many games and had lots of good times, and several bad ones.

Not only have I never seen a GM this bad (including the Railroad King), but I have never BEEN a GM this bad. Not even when I was introducing a system that was fairly new to me to begin with to a bunch of people that I knew only fairly well. I was bad, I'll easily and swiftly admit, but it was a bad that stems from inexperience and ignorance, rather than actually trying to ruin a campaign. Rolling for bust size? Could there be a more offensive way to generate a character?

I'm glad you've found a good GURPS group. I like happy endings, too.

Hauntingly Familiar [2006-10-01 17:49:21] Brian T.

This Michael individual has problems that go far beyond the scope of DM'ing. That aside, I cannot recant all the times when character generation has been stalled -- usually consuming most of the game time --, and poorly planned campaigns wherein the NPC's evoke more change in the world than the PC's. That is not to say I don't enjoy a good villan, but hero NPC's just kill the game entirely. Overall I enjoyed the read. I can believe it wasn't hyperbole, and I applaud the level of descriptive detail. Please write more!

YIKES. [2006-10-03 04:00:20] Neko Wafer

Man, if you're ever in Northern California, drop me a line. We've got a really good group that's been going now for several *years*. Guests are welcome. :)

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