Bat Alert!

*BAT ALERT*

Welcome back! During Spring Break, some rooms were entered by Maintenance and pest control technicians to deal with a minor infestation of Northern Californian Bottle-Nosed Fruit Bats. The bats came here in the luggage of a California transfer student at the beginning of Winter term, and had been breeding in the building's ducts. Nearly two dozen have been caught over Break and relocated safely.

Although we have tried to remove all the bats, it is likely that a few still remain. As you return to your rooms, please be aware and careful when reaching under the bed and opening drawers and closets.

If you find a bat, follow these steps:

• Bats are more afraid of you than you are of them. Don't make any sudden or jerky movements.
  
  
• Light is threatening to bats. Turn out overhead lights and draw the blinds. "Mood" lighting (lava lamps, Xmas lights) is all right.
  
  
• If your stereo is handy, put on some calm, soothing music. Although much has been made of the high-pitched sonar of bats, they can hear all ranges of music just fine.
  
  
• Holding an unfolded towel in your non-dominant hand, slowly advance towards the bat, softly crooning along to the music. Keep your movements slow and smooth.
  
  
• With one quick movement, slide your towel-covered hand under the bat and flip the rest of the towel over the bat with your other hand. Gather the edges of the towel.
  
  
• You may now either release the bat outside or kill it, by beating the towel with a hammer or a heavy shoe. Do not attempt to bite off its head; bats have been known to carry rabies and other blood-borne diseases.
  
  
• If you are bitten or scratched by an enraged bat, stay calm. Raise the bitten limb over your heart, if possible. Disinfect the bite immediately by pouring alcohol on it and setting the alcohol on fire. If alcohol or other flammable liquids are not available, the wound can be cauterized with a match or lighter to reduce the chance of contagion. Seek medical assistance immediately.

Have a good Spring Term!


University Housing Facilities Services




Click here for a copy in MS Word, printable and easy-to-edit.

You wouldn't believe how gullible college students here are. It's amazing. I got a friendly RA to make me 40 copies (on colored paper, too, adding an official air) and stuck one up on every wing's bathroom, and in the laundry rooms and by the elevator on each floor. It's a fairly good forgery of what Housing bulletins look like, though it is about 150% more wordy than the legitimate ones.

Surprisingly, everyone is buying it. Kids just read the first paragraph or just look at the bat, or forget what they know about basic first aid or something; I don't know why they aren't figuring out this is fake. Girls brush themselves off and shiver and say "Eww! Bats! How could someone accidentally have a bat in their suitcase? I'm gonna wear a hat to bed!" Boys chuckle and say "Whoa, bat infestation." People in my wing walk up to me while I'm folding my laundry, say "Bats, huh?" then wink conspiratorially.

I asked one of that last category why he thought it was me. Anyone could have had the idea to do this, I argued.

"True," he said, "but only you would actually carry it out."

I'm forced to take that as a compliment. Now that I've done the work, birthed this little baby hoax, I will let it fly free, as free as the majestic, disease-carrying bat.

I'm pretty sure that if April 1st is on a weekend you're allowed to play pranks on the following Monday. Readers, feel free to download the bat alert memo or cut and paste and make changes as appropriate to your school/job/apartment building. Let's see if we can work together to fuel nationwide bat paranoia.