Von: Editors
[2005-09-23]
Ask the King of Prussia
You know who has problems these days?
You do. Probably you'd like to solve these problems. Unfortunately for
you, you can't. Why? We won't sugar coat it: incompetence.
Who
better to ask, then, than the King of Prussia? From the sultry saloons
of Portland's Chinatown to San Francisco's foggy wharfs; from the dusty
trails of Baja California to the country roads of West
Virgina, the King of Prussia has been there and done that, and pulled
it off with more style and class than is dreamt of in most people's
philosophies.
After
dispensing his wisdom for years in the comments -- and occasional
submissions -- the King of Prussia is ready to tackle the most
difficult of questions, directly from you the readers of
thingsihate.org. Think your significant other is cheating? The King has
seen it before. Need help with that Form 5500 Schedule SSA for your
income taxes? It's old hat.
Send questions and requests for advice to kingofprussia@thingsihate.org, and stay tuned to see them answered, here on thingsihate.org!
And I promise that my answers won't all sound like that advice guy who's jowl-deep in
Phyllis Diller!
Please provide several MacGyver-esque ways to get high.
Please tell Posthumous how to make funny (or even just understandable) jokes.
I think that MacGyver solved all of his problems with duct tape, so I would imagine that you can find a way to utilize duct tape for your purposes.
Posthumous has a subtle and sophisticated sense of humor, which might make his comix seem dry. What you need are wet jokes involving seltzer bottles and water balloons.
Dear Afflicted with Zombies: Those people who fell-off the turnip truck, try to find the turnip truck and drive the hell out of there! But as to the "High-octane/long-time vs. Low-octane quick" question, my first thought is to go for the Hi-octane. But considering that you are currently besieged by Zombies, you might want to keep your wits about you. Or not! If the latter is so, consider saving the High-octane for a MacGyver-esque finale, or personal use when the situation becomes truly dire. After all, being afflicted with Zombies in the milieu that you describe is not without its perks.
Dear Shake Machine: Unfortunately, I know what you are talking about with the shake-mix. Restaurant sanitation leaves much to be desired. At least there used to be a mandatory TB check to get certified for food-handler, but not anymore. Another big concern is hepatitis B, which I am hearing more about, often being passed at salad bars and burger joints, sometimes hundreds of people are infected from one restaurant and one food-handler. In my high-school years, I worked in a pancake house that had a machine like the one you describe, but it was for soft ice cream, from which we could also make shakes. The mix came in a 5-gal plastic-lined cardboard box. I would like to tell you not to put 5-gal of Half&Half cream in the machine: it will begin to make a lot of noise and grind to a halt when it has churned butter! But the good part is that you can use the butter in the kitchen. OK, but I seem to remember that we emptied the machine every night. The contents were usually not more than a couple of gallons, which were put in the "walk-in" and not re-added to the machine. Look, the deal is that as a "whistle-blower" you would face possible reprisal for going to the health department. If you see a practice that is unsanitary and a threat to public health, it is incumbent upon you to try to change that. Maybe management would change their unsanitary ways. Too, the loss of a job in a greasy spoon is no big deal, you could move-on to better things. I can see you yelling as you leave, "This is for Erin Brockovich, you bastards!"
sophisticated? Damn! I was going for crude with underground appeal.
Sounds like someone had a real problem in there. Tuberculosis? Hepatitis? What the bloody hell were they doing to the shakemix?
I think that underground comix are often more complex than the average comic, many people are geared toward a more slapstick kind of humor. The shake machine thing is a work in progress, but I can say that it's nothing more serious than a sanitation procedure that could possibly cause some negative results. And it's not a unique situation; many, many, restaurants and food businesses have a lot of trouble with health department checks. The newspaper here publishes the results of health department restaurant checks, and I avoid the restaurants and sandwich shops that get a bad rating.
I know this sounds like an urban legend, but I really did have a Chinese friend who worked at a Chinese restaurant (he somehow fit this in before becoming a computer programmer), and told me to NEVER order egg rolls.
It appears that I jumped the gun due to being raring to go, and the content matter was supposed to be posted in the upcoming feature section, so feel free to e-mail more stuff. And it'll get put-up in the feature section. Please specify if you don't want the stuff posted and I'll just attempt a discreet answer, or I'll put both q&a--
1: adjective full of enthusiasm or eagerness
2: noun loud vocalization produced by gay tiger
Possible new feature!
