Von: König Prüß, GfbAEV [2005-10-19]

Lint-ball in Louisville

Dear The King of Prussia,

I have a lot of boards in my yard. What should I do with them?

Yours,
Idle in Islington

Dear Idle in Islington

Make a novena!

I actually have some experience with lots of lumber in the yard situations. There was an Italian construction contractor who had been padding his bids for years, and buying extra boards with the margin. So, he was getting close to retirement and was feeling guilty for years of being a crook, and he went the priest to confess. He told the priest what he'd done and the priest said that he should make a novena, to which the Italian contractor replied, "Hey, no problem! You got the plans, I got the lumber!"

Dear King of Prussia,

I have a lint-ball. Not in my belly-button. It's a 387-lb lint-ball. I spend most of my time hanging out at the laundromats checking the drier-filters for more lint to add to my lint-ball. My wife complains that I care more about my lint-ball than I do about her. I keep my lint-ball in the living room and it's so big that I can't see the TV. What should I do?

Lint-ball in Louisville

Dear Lint-ball in Louisville,

I have had similar problems with large obstructions in the living room obscuring my view of the TV from time to time. My solution is to get a large wall mirror and position it so as to reflect the TV image around the lint-ball. You may have to get a second mirror for your wife, if you are not sitting very close together at this time.

Dear King of Prussia,

Do you smoke a pipe? After reading your "Crabs!" story, I imagine it's the kind of thing you might have picked up from some old sea captain at some point.

Curious in Canada

Dear Curious in Canada,

Yes, I smoke a pipe. My current favorite pipe is made from a section of cherry tree branch with a curved bakelite stem. I believe it is manufactured by Rupp Pipes. I smoke "Navy Cut" or flake tobacco. Navy cut originated with the British sailors smuggling tobacco in their neck scarves, and when they would smoke, they'd cut off some shreds. This kind of shred-cut is still called "Navy Cut" today. My pop would have had a laugh, as he smoked pipes nd also had a hookah. There have sprung up several trendy hookah establishments around, where one may smoke sheesha. I would like to get a pipe made of a walrus tusk with scrimshaw.

Are you having a problem? The King of Prussia can help. Send questions and requests for advice to kingofprussia@thingsihate.org, and stay tuned to see them answered, here on thingsihate.org!

mmmm [2005-10-19 00:16:59] pithymood

mmmm... Lindt...

Dear Lint-ball in Louisville, [2005-10-19 01:20:04] Hatless Jack

Far be it for me to disagree with the King's advice, but the correct coarse of action in this situation is to SET IT ON FIRE! Between the natural and artificial fibers and the sheer amount of air haphazardly captured within your typical lintball you're looking at the perfect fire starting material. In the scouts we used dryer lint as tinder and it worked far, far better than the magnesium bar insta-fires we were issued. It is highly recommended you set it on fire. Nay, it is your duty to set it on fire.

Dear Idle in Islington, [2005-10-19 01:21:22] Hatless Jack

Far be it for me to disagree with the King's advice, but the correct coarse of action in this situation is to SET IT ON FIRE! Have a bonfire this Halloween. Invite everybody over and tell scary stories around a roaring bonfire. Since it's already in your yard half the work is done already! Just heap it up in a big pile and have a bonfire. You may want to get in contact with Lint-ball in Louisville. Did I mention bonfire?

Dear Curious in Canada, [2005-10-19 01:22:39] Hatless Jack

Far be it for me to disagree with the King's advice, but the correct coarse of action in this situation is to... oh wait, carry on.

Hatless... [2005-10-19 05:53:39] König Prüße, GfbAEV

You know, far be it from me to insist upon compliance with my advice. In fact, whatever I recommend, you might well be better off doing the opposite thing. Or just going to Costa Rica for the winter.

Musical Interlude [2005-10-19 11:25:27] König Prüße, GfbAEV

O, you can't be a swim suit model
When your ass starts to go
You may as well hit the bottle
And join the burlesque show
Learn to twirl tassels in opposite directions
Be the inspiration for thousands of erections
You can't be a swim suit model
When your ass...starts.....to gooooooo!

Colored me surprised. [2005-10-19 23:28:34] zeP

Being loud and obnoxious with suggestions actually works. I never knew.

I'll have to try that at work.

Illusion of Central Position [2005-10-19 23:38:04] König Prüße, GfbAEV

We're just getting cranked-up here, and things grow as they go, so says the state motto of New Mexico, Crescit eundo. Sometimes things may please you, and sometimes not; such are the fortunes of war.

twilight zone [2005-10-20 00:17:42] posthumous

In tonight's episode, a person who seems of no importance whatsoever suddenly realizes that everything he asks for comes to pass...

(these things never end well)

The Bad Penny [2005-10-20 00:34:46] König Prüße, GfbAEV

I was telling Sean about two dreams that I'd had: one where no one would listen to me, and another where people listened and everything turned-out wrong. There was a story about a "bad penny" and whoever owned it had bad luck. The only way to get rid of the penny was to sell it for less than you bought it for. But the deal that I struck, the guy never gives it back; it's a "done deal"--I like the story about Cassandra who was given the gift of vision, but no one would listen to her; a blessing and a curse at the same time!

Now now. [2005-10-20 23:03:53] zeP

Don't be all sore that you saw the sense in following some good advice. Read this column and then read the last one. Can't you see the improvement? While it's still not all that funny, it still has a little meat to it. Something readable, rather than a one-off masturbatory 'art' piece.

A small confession: The novena advice was funny.

Novena [2005-10-20 23:16:40] König Prüße, GfbAEV

The novena joke is probably older than I am! I'm mostly out-of-control, so I wouldn't get all jacked-up that you have great amounts of power and influence. Wait a while and form an opinion of the column, it will likely have ups and downs, bright moments and some WTF!?!? It's inevitable. Round and around she goes, where she stops nobody knows. I enjoy everyone else's stuff way more than my own junk, but it's fun and edumakational.

I prefer [2005-10-21 19:09:56] zeP

being a dick all the time. Your reflexes improve over time. It's for your own good, you know.