Juiced in Jersey
Dear King of Prussia,
My coworker chews tobacco. I would hate to discourage this habit in any way, since it seems to be his only source of joy since he moved here from Cincinatti and got a divorce, but I find the habit disgusting and it is interfering with the natural male bonding that takes place between us as we go on fishing trips and I listen to him play guitar ever so soulfully by our lint-enhanced campfire. Is there any hope for us to be true sports buddies? Can I somehow take the place of his chewing tobacco, thus enriching both of our lives?
Ever yours,
Juiced in Jersey
Dear Juiced in Jersey,
I myself occasionally chew the foul weed. I prefer plug tobacco, like Black Maria, but occasionally chew cigar leaf. In the shipyards in Vancouver, Washington across the Columbia River from Portland, they mostly dip Copenhagen, as smoking is disallowed. But I discovered a dry powder tobacco called "Ralph's Scotch Railroad Snuff" that looks like instant chocolate powder, and is easy to use without spitting. Take a matchbook cover and spoon up a bunch of the tobacco powder, drop it into your lower lip, and it disolves! Instant tobacco blast with no spit! It isn't the chewing that's so obnoxious, it's the spitting. I myself dislike people who carry around a little cup to spit in. I almost drank tobacco spit once thinking it was coffee, but fortunately it was wintergreen flavoured and the smell warned me off. The difficulty with most chewers is that they get fixated on a particular style and method, so you might have some work to coax your friend to use the Scotch snuff. If the task proves insurmountable, it might be an instance of love me, love my dog. Maybe you could feed all of his chewing tobacco to his dog, and while the dog is wretching, you could run away!
Dear King of Prussia,
My wife and I always find your answers useful and/or enlightening, but there's one question that always nags us and is in fact a bone of contention between us. Please help our marriage by answering the question we just can't get out of our minds and spats: Which King of Prussia are you?
Specious Spouse in Aspen
Dear Specious Spouse in Aspen,
And well you might ask! For there have indeed been several Kings of Prussia, all of them being Fredericks of one stripe or another. There was Frederick of Augsburg, Frederick of Hamburg, Frederick of Farfegnugen, among many others. I myself am the Frederick of Hollywood King of Prussia.
Dear King of Prussia,
Someone -- and I don't know who -- at the place where I work seems to enjoy befouling the toilets in the men's room. Every toilet has a little brush next to it. So why is the toilet so often smeared and filled with disturbingly discolored water? Obviously this person cares enough to flush, but just doesn't FLUSH ENOUGH or USE THE BRUSH even though he REALLY NEEDS TO. What kind of person does this?
Yours,
Disturbed in Denver
Dear Disturbed in Denver,
A messy, inconsiderate person! But how to solve the problem? Perhaps the addition of several of those blue tank cleaners for each unit would send the message, or at least make the water so blue and fragrant that the problem would at least not be so obvious. Alternatively, you could declare war on his butt! And mine the john with snappers, poppers, and various smoking pyrotechnics that, should the offender ever park his offending behind to do his foul deed, there would be plenty of disincentive to do so again, as well as the possibility of getting his butthocks flambéd. Another possiblity is going to the "executive john" system, where everyone can get a key, and there are attendents, a masseuse, a shoeshine guy, a cigar lounge, then someone else can worry about that guy's behind.
My coworker chews tobacco. I would hate to discourage this habit in any way, since it seems to be his only source of joy since he moved here from Cincinatti and got a divorce, but I find the habit disgusting and it is interfering with the natural male bonding that takes place between us as we go on fishing trips and I listen to him play guitar ever so soulfully by our lint-enhanced campfire. Is there any hope for us to be true sports buddies? Can I somehow take the place of his chewing tobacco, thus enriching both of our lives?
Ever yours,
Juiced in Jersey
Dear Juiced in Jersey,
I myself occasionally chew the foul weed. I prefer plug tobacco, like Black Maria, but occasionally chew cigar leaf. In the shipyards in Vancouver, Washington across the Columbia River from Portland, they mostly dip Copenhagen, as smoking is disallowed. But I discovered a dry powder tobacco called "Ralph's Scotch Railroad Snuff" that looks like instant chocolate powder, and is easy to use without spitting. Take a matchbook cover and spoon up a bunch of the tobacco powder, drop it into your lower lip, and it disolves! Instant tobacco blast with no spit! It isn't the chewing that's so obnoxious, it's the spitting. I myself dislike people who carry around a little cup to spit in. I almost drank tobacco spit once thinking it was coffee, but fortunately it was wintergreen flavoured and the smell warned me off. The difficulty with most chewers is that they get fixated on a particular style and method, so you might have some work to coax your friend to use the Scotch snuff. If the task proves insurmountable, it might be an instance of love me, love my dog. Maybe you could feed all of his chewing tobacco to his dog, and while the dog is wretching, you could run away!
Dear King of Prussia,
My wife and I always find your answers useful and/or enlightening, but there's one question that always nags us and is in fact a bone of contention between us. Please help our marriage by answering the question we just can't get out of our minds and spats: Which King of Prussia are you?
Specious Spouse in Aspen
Dear Specious Spouse in Aspen,
And well you might ask! For there have indeed been several Kings of Prussia, all of them being Fredericks of one stripe or another. There was Frederick of Augsburg, Frederick of Hamburg, Frederick of Farfegnugen, among many others. I myself am the Frederick of Hollywood King of Prussia.
Dear King of Prussia,
Someone -- and I don't know who -- at the place where I work seems to enjoy befouling the toilets in the men's room. Every toilet has a little brush next to it. So why is the toilet so often smeared and filled with disturbingly discolored water? Obviously this person cares enough to flush, but just doesn't FLUSH ENOUGH or USE THE BRUSH even though he REALLY NEEDS TO. What kind of person does this?
Yours,
Disturbed in Denver
Dear Disturbed in Denver,
A messy, inconsiderate person! But how to solve the problem? Perhaps the addition of several of those blue tank cleaners for each unit would send the message, or at least make the water so blue and fragrant that the problem would at least not be so obvious. Alternatively, you could declare war on his butt! And mine the john with snappers, poppers, and various smoking pyrotechnics that, should the offender ever park his offending behind to do his foul deed, there would be plenty of disincentive to do so again, as well as the possibility of getting his butthocks flambéd. Another possiblity is going to the "executive john" system, where everyone can get a key, and there are attendents, a masseuse, a shoeshine guy, a cigar lounge, then someone else can worry about that guy's behind.
